


Complicated

by Applepye



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Sex, T-Cest, Turtlecest, tcest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-04 00:26:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 44,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16336250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Applepye/pseuds/Applepye
Summary: There will be angst, sadness, depression, cursing, and character injury but no death.Donny wants Raph but Raph wants Mikey, Mikey wants Leo and Leo wants Donny. Let the ship wars begin.The Turtles can remove their shells. I know that it’s not popular and that real turtles cannot do this but real turtles don’t have a human like penis tucked behind their plastrons either. This is just one more step in the same direction. So bear with me.The shell is still a living part of them and is attached at the spine but the mutation made it so that they could detach from it. They can't be out of it for long and if they put on someone else's shell it causes them a lot of pain. When it is off, they have a row of bone plates that protect the spine and are what attaches to the shell. When they are out of their shell, there is exposed bone another reason they don’t do it all that often. The skin underneath is also very sensitive and delicate. The plastron is fully attached to their front and is solid shell at the top and is more like hard muscle down, past the chest. There is a bridge that connects the carapace to the plastron for added support.





	1. Chapter 1

Donny stood in the doorway and watched as Raphael worked out, bench-pressing with his legs parted. Don’s eyes drifted down to settle on Raph’s thick tail resting on the bench between his muscular thighs. Each time Raph pressed up against the weight, his tail would twitch a little. 

Donny pictured himself playing with that tail, running his tongue along the cloaca and eliciting deep churrs from Raph. In fact, he had been fantasizing about Raph a lot lately. So he was there, trying to build up the courage to ask Raph out but he couldn’t fight the fact that his throat closed the second he entered the room. 

He was frozen in place, mesmerized by Raph’s tail. So much so that when Raph stopped pressing and sat up, Donny hadn’t notice. “You want something?” Raph’s voice broke Donny’s trance. 

“Ah…. I… just… ah… w… w…,” Donny stammered. He hoped that Raph hadn’t noticed that he was looking at his tail. 

“Spit it out,” Raph prompted. “What do you want?”

Donny’s eyes came up and locked with Raph’s. “I was wondering if you wanted to go out…, with me.” 

Raph sat frozen in place, unsure how to respond. 

“You want to go out with Raph?” Leo asked, entering the room.

Donny turned to see Leo and Mikey walking up to them. Raph stood up off the bench and picked his towel up to wipe the sweat off. “I’m flattered Donny,” Raph shook his head. “But I ain’t interested.”

“What?” Donny’s heart sank as he turned back to look at Raph. “Why?”

Raph looked past Donny, at Mikey then down at the ground. “You just ain’t my type.”

“Donny,” Leo stepped forward. “Why do you want Raph?” When Donny turned to look at him, Leo grabbed Don’s hands. “I was hoping that we could be together.”

Donny pulled his hands away from Leo’s. “No,” he shook his head. “We’re not good for each other. We’d be boring together. I need someone who’ll get me out of my lab every once and a while.” He pointed back at Raph. “He does that for me.”

“No, Donny-boy,” Raph patted Don on the back. “You two would be perfect together. You’re both so in control and, like you said, boring.”

“No they wouldn’t,” Mikey chimed in. “Donny’s right.” Mikey turned to look at Leo. “You need someone who will help you loosen up and who can make you laugh.”

Leo scoffed, “Are you suggesting that we be together?”

“Yes,” Mikey flinched at Leo’s reaction. “I think we would be great together. I get you to have fun and to laugh.”

“Really?” Leo turned to look at Mikey. “I had a feeling that you felt this way based on the way you’ve been acting lately. How would we be good for each other? We’re nothing alike. You take nothing but your comics and videogames seriously. I like peace and quiet and calm. You’re none of that, Donny is.”

Tears streamed down Mikey’s cheeks, “But… tha… that’s why. We… c… could help each other. You could make me better and… I… can get you… to… to have fun.”

“Don’t waste your time with Leo, Mikey.” Raph pushed his way passed Don and Leo to get to Mikey. “He’s got a stick up his ass. And it seems to have only gotten bigger since he’s returned. Let them be together.” Raph dismissively waved at them. “Me and you, we’d have fun.”

“No,” Donny grabbed Raph’s hand. “You two are all wrong for each other. You’d be like a flash in the pan; all hot and heavy then it will fizzle to nothing.” Donny pulled to try and get Raph to look at him. “You need someone who is even tempered and patient and Mikey needs someone who’s able to keep him under control. I’ve thought long and hard on this, you’re the best one for me.”

Raph turned to glare at Don. “Let go of my hand.”

“Why do you want Raph?” Leo pulled Donny away and stood between them. “He’s violent. He’ll beat you the moment you make him mad.”

“Only if you push his buttons,” Don argued. “I wouldn’t do that. Mikey, however, would quickly get on his nerves.”

“What is going on in here,” Splinter demanded as he walked through the door, silencing their argument. “Why are you not in the dojo?”

“I’m sorry father,” Leo kneeled down in front of Splinter. “We got into a heated discussion and it got out of hand.”

“Why is Michelangelo crying?” Splinter looked at each of his sons. “And Donatello looks to be on the verge of tears as well. I demand to know what it was you were talking about.”

Leo took a deep steading breath, “It appears that we have a complicated love… square, so to speak.”

“Oh?” Splinter raised an eyebrow. “Care to explain?”

Raph stepped up. “I like Mikey, but Mikey like’s Leo, Leo likes Don and Don likes me; to put it simply.”

Splinter sighed, “I expected the four of you to eventually pair off, maybe even have two of you fall for the same one and one be left out, but not this.” He shook his head, “This is not good. I can only see anger and resentment in this.”

“So, then, what should we do?” Raph shrugged. “Give up and just be alone?”

Splinter shrugged, “This is something the four of you will have to work out for yourselves. I am not an expert in matters of love. I only ask that you try to take into consideration each other’s feelings as you work through this. It will be difficult, but I believe that you will find a way.”

“Yes, Sensei,” they said in unison. 

“Now,” Splinter struck his walking stick on the ground for emphasis. “It is time for your morning training.”

“Hai, Sensei,” they said again and made their way to the dojo. 

They trained in silence and Splinter made sure to pair up Raph with Leo and Don with Mikey to keep the awkwardness to a minimum. 

After training, they all went to separate rooms. Donny locked himself up in his lab, placed his head on his desk and just sat there. Everything went so horribly wrong. He couldn’t figure out why Leo and Raph were blind to his logic. When he had spoken with Mikey the night before they were both relieved to find out that they didn’t like the same brother, or each other. 

He knew that if Raph just gave him a chance, he would see how good they were for each other. Ideas started to form in his mind. He would get his chance and he would make Raph see that they were right for each other. He just had to go talk with Mikey again; he needed to make sure that Mikey wouldn’t cave in to Raph first. 

 

…..

 

Their early morning routine was the same as every morning, though this morning was filled with tension. Donny sat at the table reading the latest science journal while drinking his coffee. Leo sat across from him sipping his tea and reading the paper while Mikey made breakfast and Raph stood at the counter preparing his protein shake.

Everyone was silent, not wanting to push themselves on the one they wanted and look desperate. Donny could tell that Raph was seething while Mikey was working extra hard on breakfast. Mikey hadn’t touched his games or even watch television since the incident the previous morning. Instead he spent extra time in the dojo and even sat with Splinter during his daily meditation.

Leo spent all of yesterday checking up on Donny and even managed to pull him away from the computer for a game of chess. Even though Leo wasn’t pushing anything, Donny could see what he was doing. Just like Mikey, Leo was trying to prove that he wasn’t as he was accused of being. 

Raph moped and spent most of his time either out of the lair or in the weight room. Donny kept his distance from Raph and humored Leo with the game but did his best not to encourage him. 

But, today was a new day and Don knew that as time passed his brothers were going to try to make their moves. He just had to bide his time. He and Mikey had reached an agreement last night, that they would not give in and they would help each other whenever possible. Don picked up is cup to take another sip only to discover that it was empty. “Oh,” he mumbled and got up for a refill. 

Raph was standing directly in front of the coffee pot and Donny gently nudged him. “Can I get past you, please?”

Raph noticed the empty cup in Don’s hand and shifted enough out of the way so that Don could reach the pot. “Thank you,” Donny mumbled as he poured the coffee. He glanced over at Raph as he placed the pot back on the burner. “If you keep bulking up you’re gonna rip through your skin,” Donny attempted humor. Raph glanced over at Donny and narrowed his eyes. Don cleared his throat. “I can give you an ointment that will reduce your stretch marks and help prevent new ones. You would have to put it on when you get up and after you shower at night.”

“Yeah okay,” Raph mumbled. “Whatever.” Raph turned and grabbed his drink, “I’m gonna work out.”

Donny turned to see Mikey place a plate of food in front of Leo and the way Mikey’s eyes lit up when Leo accepted with a gentle, “Thank you, Mikey.”

Donny accepted his food and sat back down to eat his breakfast. He kept his eyes down on his plate while he ate. Mikey would gently kick him under the table to get him to look up and catch Leo looking at him. 

Donny barely had the chance to taste the wonderful but small breakfast that Mikey had prepared. He just wanted to be away from the table and Leo’s occasional glances. He ate as fast as he dared then excused himself. 

That morning’s training was the same as the day before. Splinter kept Leo with Raph and Donny with Mikey to try to avoid problems. After training was finished, Leo went off to meditate, Mikey stayed in the dojo for extra training, Raph headed back to the weight room, and Donny headed to the sauna. 

Living under ground made it hard to get the required sunlight to be healthy. They used to have to venture out of the lair and bask in whatever shafts of sunlight that they could find and in the winter they would get so cold that they would hibernate. 

When they were twelve, Donny had figured out how to keep the lair warm and set up lamps for basking. It wasn’t as good as sunlight but they no longer had to hibernate through the winter to stay healthy. He eventually set up a room just for basking and added a sauna element to it, as well as a large bath tub. It was a nice spot to unwind and warm up after a long winter’s night of patrols. 

He went through his normal routine of cleaning his shell and basking, naked under an ultraviolet lamp. He loved the feeling of the warm light on the rarely exposed flesh and the freedom that he felt when his shell was off. 

Whatever force had decided how they mutated knew what it was doing. In order for them to be able to stand and have the flexibility to be ninjas their shells couldn’t be attached the same way as a normal turtle’s but the space created in order to obtain that flexibility caused problems of their own. Debris and moisture could become trapped between their shells and skin, causing irritation or worse sores and infections. 

When they were little, Splinter did his best to keep the area under their shells clean and dry but it still itched. Then, one day, when Donny was so irritated from the grime under his shell, he managed to remove it. The carapace and bridges came off as one piece and he was finally able to get himself clean. 

Poor Mikey had a nest of fleas tucked in the spots under his shell that Splinter couldn’t get to. After they were able to properly clean under their shells and remove the parasites, the four turtles’ health improved. 

Despite all of this, his brothers hated being without their shells and often suffered from mild skin irritations as a result. Mikey and Raph were the worst and Donny had to remind them to remove their shells for a good cleaning and bask. 

He must have dozed off under the lamps because he was startled awake by a hand on his shoulder. He looked up to see Leo looking down at him. “Can we talk?”

“Um, sure,” Donny sat up. “Let me just get my shell back on.” Getting up from the bed, Don collected his shell from the water circulating tub. He looked over his shoulder as he slipped his shell back on. “When was the last time you cleaned?”

“I showered this morning,” Leo answered quickly, crossing his arms over his plastron. 

Donny rolled his eyes, “Take it off, Leo.”

“I hate being without it. I feel so exposed,” Leo complained as he worked to detach himself from his shell. It took some effort to detach each connector along the spine and down both sides of the plastron. “I never understood how you like being without it.”

Donny shrugged, “I’m able to relax better without it.” If he could he would sleep all night without it but that would only result in the connectors drying out and a great deal of pain.

Leo slipped out of his shell and handed it over to Donny before hopping up on the bed to lie under the light. 

Donny placed Leo’s shell in the warm bath for a good soak and then walked over to look at Leo’s back. “You have a spot where moisture was trapped and it’s starting to smell and you have minor irritation in several spots.”

“Maybe it has been a while then,” Leo replied sheepishly. 

Leo tried his best to relax as Donny applied ointment to his back. Leo had no idea how Donny managed to keep his hands so soft. Unlike Mikey and Raph, Don’s touch was gentle and soothing. Out of all of them, Don was the least aggressive and that brought Leo comfort. He loved the feel of Don’s hands on him and wished that the touch was more intimate. 

Once Donny was done, Leo was left to bask in the light and he had to admit that it felt good. He hadn’t even realized how much the grime under his shell had been irritating him until it was gone. 

“Can we talk now?” Leo asked with a sigh, without looking up. 

“I know what you wanna talk about,” Donny said and he really wasn’t in the mood for it at the moment. 

“I just want a chance with you,” Leo pleaded, propping himself up so he could look at Donny. 

“And Mikey just wants a chance with you, and I just want a chance with Raph,” Donny argued. “This revelation is still all too new for all of us and I don’t think any of us are willing to give up on the hope of being with the one they want yet.”

Leo looked down at the bed. “I don’t get what you see in Raph. You know what he is capable of. You say the wrong thing to him and the next thing you know, you’re on your back, looking up at him, and his sai is embedded in the ground next to your head.”

“I’m not afraid of him, Leo,” Donny said. “I don’t anger him the way you and Mikey do.”

“So that time he almost hit you, for arguing with him over his use of violence to solve problems, was you not angering him.” Leo stated flatly. When Donny looked at him in surprise, Leo said, “Mikey told me about it.”

“He almost hit me,” Donny emphasized. “He didn’t actually hit me and I did goad him that time. I won’t do anything like that again.”

“Are you really blaming yourself for that?” Leo sat up. “That’s the kind of things people say when they are in an abusive relationship. He’s gotten so big. If he were to hit you out of anger…,”

“It wouldn’t be an abusive relationship,” Donny almost yelled, cutting Leo off. “He’s not like that. I’m done with this conversation.” He went over to the shell bath and removed Leo’s shell to dry. “Bask for thirty more minutes, then you can put your shell back on. You really need to remember to do this more often; it’s not my responsibility to keep reminding you.” He left the room, leaving Leo alone.

Later that evening, after they returned from a night of patrolling, Donny handed Raph the ointment. “As promised.”

Raph looked confused for a moment then took the jar from Donny. “Right. Thanks.”

“No problem,” Donny answered. “Just don’t bulk up too much; you don’t want to overdo it.” He turned and walked away from Raph, heading back to his lab. 

Raph stood there with the ointment in his hands. As he entered his lab, Donny looked back to see Raph look at his arms, flexing them slightly as he did and running his fingers over the stretch marks.


	2. Chapter 2

As the days passed Donny saw Mikey falling over himself to make Leo happy while Leo went out of his way to be kind to Don. Raph tried his hardest to be alone with Mikey, offering to give him a ride on his bike or challenging him to play a video game but Mikey stopped playing games and focused more on training. 

Donny just politely acknowledged Leo’s acts but didn’t encourage them in any way, which was more than what Leo was doing for Mikey. Donny also kept his distance from Raph, speaking to him only when it was necessary. 

After about a week, during morning training, Raph knelt down next to Donny while Leo and Mikey spared together. “The ointment seems to be working.”

Donny nodded his head but kept his tone flat, “There is some improvement. It may take some time to reverse the damage and you will always have stretch marks but they will at least be reduced.”

“Are they really that bad?” Raph asked, looking down at his arms. “Do you think I overdo it?”

“It’s your body Raph,” Donny kept his eyes on Leo and Mikey. “You do what you think is best. My opinion shouldn’t matter.”

“Right,” Raph mumbled. 

 

…..

 

It took weeks, but Raph was finally able to get Mikey alone. He had to go into Mikey’s room, late at night but he didn’t see it happening any other way. When Raph walked into his room, Mikey rolled his eyes. “What do you want?”

“I just want to talk,” Raph closed the door. “Please.”

“You’ve come to try and get me to go out with you,” Mikey corrected. “I don’t want you Raph.”

“Someone’s gonna have to give,” Raph argued. “Or no one’s gonna be with anyone.”

“Why does it have to be me?” Mikey snapped back, crossing his arms over his plastron. 

“Who do you think is gonna be the one to cave first?” Raph pointed out. “Donny. He’s too nice and will cave in to Leo eventually. Where will that leave you?”

“That’s not fair,” Mikey choked out. “I want Leo.”

“I can make you happy, Mikey,” Raph’s voice was pleading. “All you have to do is give me a chance.”

“You wanna make me happy?” Mikey stood and looked Raph in the eyes. “Then give into Donny before he gives into Leo. Get him out of the way so Leo can be with me.”

“Would it really be so bad to be with me?” Raph’s hand came up to rub the stretch marks on his arm. 

“Yes,” Mikey answered. “We do have fun but I only see you as a friend. Leo’s everything I want. He’s everything that I wish I could be. You and me would be so destructive together, feeding off each other until we explode.” He shook his head as tears fell from his cheeks. “I know I would just get you mad again at some point, I always do.” His voice cut out for a moment and he had to swallow hard before he could continue. “I’m too afraid of you to love you. I feel safe with Leo.”

“You’re afraid of me?” Raph’s heart sank and it felt like the ground fell from under him. “Right,” Raph nodded. “I get it.”

“I don’t want to hurt you Raph,” Mikey smiled sadly up at him. “I don’t want this to ruin what we do have. We have fun but in small doses.”

“Friends then,” Raph agreed. “I won’t… I won’t try to….” It was hard to breathe. “I gotta go.”  
Raph rushed from the room and into the dojo. He heard Mikey call after him, but didn’t stop to hear what he had to say. 

Raph went straight for his punching bag and started to beat his hurt into it. Mikey was afraid of him and Raph didn’t blame him. He knew his temper was bad. It was the reason he drank; it mellowed him out and he was never an angry drunk. It was also the reason he worked out so much. He beat his anger into his own body as opposed to someone’s face. 

“Did something happen?” Donny asked as he entered the dojo. “You keep hitting the bag like that, you’re gonna bust a seam.” 

“I talked to Mikey,” Raph confessed, slamming his fist into the bag. 

“I’m guessing that he’s not ready to give into you yet,” Don observed. “It’s all still too new and we will all go down different paths to recover from all of it. Give him time, he’ll come around. You’re a good guy, Raph. He’d be lucky to have you.”

“He told me that he’s afraid of me,” Raph choked out without looking at Don. 

Donny froze and thought his words through before speaking, “He has reason to be. You did come at him with a lead pipe.” He shrugged, “He had nightmares about it for weeks and used to come into my lab to sleep while I worked just to feel safe, especially while Leo was gone. I wouldn’t be surprised if he still occasionally had them.”

“Leo’s argument against you being with me is that I would hurt you,” Raph kept his eyes down cast as he leaned heavily on the bag. 

“I understand his concern, but I don’t really do anything to get you mad,” Donny stated as a matter of fact. “I know that you all probably think that I will be the first one to cave in all of this. And, I’ll admit that Leo’s kindness is starting to have an effect. Maybe I will give in, Leo’s nice enough. We would be… comfortable together.”

Raph looked up at Donny, his hands once again drifting up to touch his stretch marks. “You’ve given up, on me?”

Donny shrugged. “You said you weren’t interested and I’m not gonna try to fight a losing battle, it isn’t logical. It hurt at first but I’m not going to linger on it. And besides, I think I would rather be with someone who loves me than someone who loves another but is with me because they can’t have the one they want.”

Donny turned to leave but stopped when Raph spoke. “Maybe,” Raph hesitated. “You and me…. We could go out.”

Don kept his back to Raph, “No. Didn’t you hear me? The only reason you are offering is because you think you don’t stand a chance with Mikey and you don’t want to be alone. I don’t want you if you don’t really want me.”

Raph stood and took a few steps toward Don. “Fair enough, but we could date and maybe, in time….”

“In time?” Donny cut Raph off while keeping his back to him. “You want me to take a chance on you and lose my chance with Leo? What if he sees us together and decides to give in to Mikey?” Donny looked over his shoulder at Raph. The look on Raph’s face made him want to rush over to him and apologies for everything he had just said, to tell him it was a lie and that he still wanted him. But he kept himself in control and sighed, “I guess we could try, on one condition.” Don turned around to face Raph.

“Okay,” Raph nodded. 

“No sex, until you love me enough to choose me over Mikey.”

Raph chuckled, “Sure. I can do that.”

“We can discuss this more in the morning,” Donny agreed. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Raph answered as Donny left the dojo. 

Don made his way back to his lab, barely managing to maintain his composure. When he shut the door, he allowed the smile to spread across his face. It happened sooner than the thought it would. He was expecting it to take at well over a month of waiting, but it had only been a few weeks.

Raph chose to come to him. 

It was time to switch tactics in order to keep him. 

 

…..

As usual to every morning, Donny sat at the table, reading while drinking his coffee, Leo sipped his tea, Mikey cooked and Raph stood at the counter making his protein shake. When Donny finished his coffee, he stood and went to get a refill. 

Raph noticed him approaching and moved out of his way so that he could get at the coffee pot. Donny smiled up at him, “Thank you.”

“Sure,” Raph smiled back. Donny sat back down at the table as Mikey placed his plate of food down. Raph sat at the table, earning himself a curious glance from Leo. Raph cleared his throat, “I was thinking about our conversation last night.”

Mikey froze, “I’m really sorry about that Raph.”

Raph shook his head, “I talked to Donny last night after I left your room.” He turned to look at Don, “I was thinking that I could take you out on my bike tonight, if you want.”

“I’m missing something,” Leo looked between them. “What is Mikey sorry about and why do you want to take Don out on your bike?”

Raph looked at Leo, “I talked to Mikey last night and he made it abundantly clear that he doesn’t want to be with me, so I decided to give Don a chance.”

“You what?” Leo cried out and looked at him in disbelief. 

“What is going on?” Splinter entered the kitchen. “Why are you shouting?”

“You find yourself saying that more and more, don’t you Master,” Mikey quipped with a nervous laugh.

“I decided to give in to Donny,” Raph answered. “I’m guessing Leo’s not all that happy with it.”

Leo glared at Raph, but said nothing. Splinter placed a hand on Leo’s shoulder, “This was expected.”

“Not from Raph,” Leo huffed. “Out of all of us, I was not expecting Raph to give in first.”

“Neither did I,” Raph admitted, “but one of us had to.”

Mikey served everyone a modest breakfast and sat down at the table. The mood got quiet as they ate. Raph drank his shake quickly then stood up. “I’m gonna work out.”

“I’ll come with you,” Donny offered. “That way we can talk about our first date.”

“Aright,” Raph waited for Donny to wash his plate and put it on the rack to dry before they headed into the dojo. A small smile spread across his beak when Raph saw the scowl on Leo’s face. A fact that was not lost to Donny. As soon as they entered the dojo he turned on Raph. 

“Don’t use me to piss Leo off,” he warned. “I will end this in a heartbeat.”

Raph took a step back, “Whoa. That’s not why I agreed to do this, so you can get that idea out of your head right now.” He chuckled, “Yeah it’s a bonus, but I only found that out this morning.”

“No,” Don snapped. “You will not rub this in Leo’s face at all. That is cruel.”

Raph shrugged, “Maybe it will get him to go after Mikey to get revenge.”

Donny looked at Raph in disbelief, “Leo’s not like you. He’s better than that.”

“Why don’t you go be with him then,” Raph pointed to the door. 

Donny took a few steading breaths. This wasn’t how he wanted things to go; he had to be more careful with his emotional outbursts. Only Raph could have that effect on him. He didn’t thank clearly when he let his emotions take over and if he wanted to get what he wanted in the long run then he would have to keep it under control. “I would rather be with you,” Donny shook his head. “But, please don’t flaunt it to Leo, he doesn’t deserve that.”

“Fine,” Raph sat on his weight bench and laid back under the bar. After putting on a pair of gloves that he cut to fit his fingers, Raph started his reps. Donny watched him, admiring Raph’s god like body as he tensed up from the effort of lifting the weights. 

Settling his nerves Donny walked up to Raph and looked down at him, “I’ve read somewhere that if you keep your hips steady while you lift it makes for a more efficient work out.”

“Yeah?” Raph grunted as he pushed against the weight. “How would you suggest I do that?”

“I could stabilize them by sitting on them,” Donny offered.

Raph placed the bar up on its holder and sat up. “You wanna do what now?”

Donny placed his hand on Raph’s plastron and pushed him back down. “I’m only doing it to keep your hips steady,” Donny smiled. “Nothing funny.” They settled into position with Donny sitting across Raph’s hips. 

Donny steadied himself by placing his hands on Raph’s plastron while Raph placed his hands on the bar. Removing it from the stand, Raph then began his reps. Donny let him do a few before leaning forward a little. 

“Do you feel any difference?” 

“Yeah,” Raph grunted. “It’s actually harder to lift.”

“Making it more effective,” Donny added with a smile. He sat back again and as he did, he rested his tail on top of Raph’s. He felt Raph’s tail tense up as he staggered in his reps. 

“Nothing funny,” Raph grunted. 

“What?” Don acted like he had no clue what Raph was taking about. Donny could see that Raph was starting to tire so he rubbed his hand down Raph’s plastron. “Just a few more.” He pressed his tail down, rubbing it slightly back and forth and he could feel Raph’s respond. “It’s impressive how many you’ve done already. You are so strong.”

Raph pushed himself until he could no longer lift the weight and Donny moved up to help him place it back on the stand. Breathing heavily, Raph let his arms drop to the side. Donny slid his tail along Raph’s one more time before getting up. 

“I guess what I read was correct,” Donny grabbed a bottle of water and handed it to Raph. “I can do that for you every day if you want.”

Raph sat up and looked at Don as he took a long drink of water. “That would help a lot,” Raph panted, shaking the feeling back in his arms. 

“What were you thinking about for tonight?” Donny prompted, handing Raph a towel. 

Raph shrugged, “A date. Maybe a ride on my bike, get away from the city for a picnic.”

Donny nodded, “That sounds nice.” Everything was going to well.


	3. Chapter 3

He had started the prep work the night before. The mixture of ground pork, silky tofu, green onion, ginger, leak, and spices sat in the refrigerator all night so the flavors could marry. That afternoon he mixed together the dough and let it set so that the flour had time to absorb the water. 

Hours were spent rolling, filling, and forming it all into dumplings. Time well spent to make Leo’s favorite food. Large pots of salted water sat on the stove to boil and steam some of them and skillets sat ready to pan fry others.

He and his brothers had large appetites, so Mikey made over two hundred of the pockets and three different dipping sauces for them. 

Raph entered the kitchen and took a look at the plethora of dumplings. “Whatever I pack for this picnic will be trash compared to what you’re makin’.”

“No need for you to pack, Raph.” Mikey smiled at him. “I already have a bunch ready for you to take.”

“Really?” Raph walked over to the basket on the counter and took a look inside. “You’re the best.”

Mikey playfully slammed the lid back down. “Keep it closed or you’ll let out all the heat.” He turned back to his work, humming to himself as he did. 

“Tryin’ to get to Leo’s heart through his stomach?” Raph nudged Mikey then swiped a dumpling and popped it in his mouth. “Oh, hot.”

“Serves you right,” Mikey punched him. 

“Worth it,” Raph grinned. “Those are good. I swear, Mikey, you make the best damn dumplin’s.”

“Thank you,” Mikey blushed. 

They stood in awkward silence while Mikey continued to cook. To end it Mikey cleared his throat, “Where do you plan on taking Donny?”

“Just outside the city and away from all the light pollution so he can see the stars. There’s a field with tall grass where we can stay hidden from the main road.”

“Sounds nice.”

“Thanks again for packin’ the food.” Raph kept his hands on the counter resisting the urge to touch Mikey. “You really are great. It’s good to have your support in this. Leo on the other hand has been trying to impose limits on us tonight. He’s being a bitter ass. I don’t know what you see in him.”

“He’s just upset, he has been for weeks. That’s the real reason I’m making the dumplings. I know he’s hurting so I wanna do all that I can to help him feel better. I just wanna see him smile again. I know it will be a while before he’s over Donny enough to be willing to date me. I just want him to hang out with me like we used to. He’s pulled away. We’ve all pulled away from each other and it hurts” 

Mikey took a deep breath then let it out slowly, “I’m sorry I hurt you, Raph. I really hope we can still be friends. I like spending time with you and lately you’re the only one willing to spend time with me. I shouldn’t have pushed you away like I did.”

“I ain’t givin’ that up, Mikey,” Raph turned to face him. “Donny’s just gonna have to accept the fact that you and I are gonna stay friends.” He cleared him throat and fidgeted a little. “I really hope that Leo opens his eyes and sees you for how wonderful you really are and how lucky he is. I want you to be happy, Mikey, even if it’s not with me.” His emotions had his voice trembling by the end but he managed to choke it all out before he started to tear up. 

“I…,” Mikey started but he didn’t know what to say. 

Forcing a smile, Raph grabbed the basket and headed out of the kitchen. “Thanks again, Mikey.”

“Have fun,” Mikey called out after Raph. “I want you to be happy too.”

Mikey finished the rest of the dumplings and set everything out on the table. 

Splinter entered the kitchen and sat at down. “It all looks wonderful. Do you have the garlic soy dipping sauce?”

As Splinter spoke, Mikey placed a bowl of brown liquid on the table. “Does a turtle have a shell?”

Mikey smiled at his father and handed him a plate along with a set of chopsticks then excused himself to go get Leo. He was excited to get a dinner without Donny around since Leo usually spent the whole time glancing up at him. Maybe now Mikey will be able to have a conversation with him. 

He knocked gently on Leo’s bedroom door. “Dinner’s ready.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“What?” Mikey felt his heart sink. “Why?”

“I’m not hungry, Mikey,” Leo shouted through the door. “I don’t owe you an explanation. Just because Raph and Donny are going out on a date doesn’t mean anything for us. Just go away.”

Mikey just stood staring at the door in disbelief. He could hear Leo’s gentle sobs coming through the door. After a while, Mikey made his way back down to the kitchen and started to clean. 

Having eaten his fill, Splinter sat at the table and watched his youngest. “Your supper is getting cold.”

“I’m not hungry anymore,” Mikey choked out then turned to grab the food and threw it in the trash. “It was all for nothing.” After wiping his tears away, Mikey turned back to cleaning the dishes. 

“Give him time,” Splinter soothed. “He needs to get used to the idea that Donatello is with Raphael.”

“I get it,” Mikey said while he worked. “I just thought…. I’m trying so hard to be better for him to show him that I can be what he wants. I just want a chance to sit and talk to him. I wanted a dinner with him where he wasn’t always looking at Donny; where he would see me for once.”

“I know,” Splinter sighed. “I hate to see you hurting so much.”

Splinter sat in silence while Mikey cleaned the kitchen, scrubbing every last surface. Leo thought Mikey did it all because Splinter had told him to but he was actually very particular about the way things were in the kitchen. The kitchen was his space and, unlike his room, Mikey kept it in spick-and-span. He had honed his skills over the years and had come a long way from simply ‘scrambling a mean egg’.

His youngest was also an artist and Splinter was proud of him. 

Something the others didn’t know about Mikey was that he kept a journal in the form of comics. He drew out their adventures in great detail. He actually showed them to Splinter one day, along with a book full of art. They were beautiful. He had drawn pictures of each of his brothers and places that they have been but Mikey was too shy to show his brothers so they stayed hidden in his room among the clutter, minus the few that Splinter kept. 

When Mikey was done cleaning, he started to cry. Tears streamed down his cheeks as sobs wracked his body and he fell to his knees. Splinter was up and at his son’s side in a matter of seconds. He held Mikey and the cries of his youngest broke his heart. 

After a while Mikey calmed down and Splinter sent him off to bed then sat back down at the table. He sipped his tea and waited. 

It was around midnight when Leo finally came down to the kitchen. He saw Splinter at the table but didn’t say anything. Leo opened the refrigerator and looked inside. 

“Your dinner is in the trash,” Splinter calmly stated. 

Leo looked at him over his shoulder then walked over to look in the trash. “A bit over dramatic, don’t you think?”

“He was upset.”

“All because I wouldn’t come down and eat dinner with him?” Leo scoffed. “And he wonders why I don’t want to be with him. He’s still a child.”

“Do you know how much work goes in to making dumplings?”

Leo shrugged, “He opened a package and heated them up.”

“I used packaged dumplings.” Splinter shook his head in disappointment. “Michelangelo made them by hand. He always has.”

“He did? He has?” Leo sat at the table.

Splinter nodded, “He adjusted the recipe based off of your criticism.”

“I didn’t know,” Leo crossed his arms over his plastron. “How did I not know?”

“You were always training or meditating while he worked in the kitchen.” Splinter chuckled, “That and you are forbidden from the kitchen for anything other than making your tea and eating.”

Leo heaved out a sigh, “That still doesn’t excuse the way he acted. He didn’t have to throw them away.”

Splinter stood and put his cup in the sink. As he turned to leave Leo slammed his fist on the table. “Would you prefer that I use him the way Raph’s using Donny?”

Splinter stopped and turned to sit back down at the table. “Would you care to elaborate on that?”

Swallowing hard, Leo regained his composure. “Raph doesn’t love Donny. He’s just with him to get over his hurt from being rejected by Mikey. He gonna end up hurting Donny. I won’t do the same thing to Mikey. I care too much about him to treat him that way. I’m not going to use him and give him false hope for something that isn’t going to happen.”

Splinter sighed as he looked his eldest in the eyes. “He knows that you are upset over Donatello’s rejection and that he is out with Raphael, so he decided to make you your favorite meal to help you feel better. All he wanted was for you to come and eat dinner with him, nothing more.”

With that, Splinter stood and left Leo alone. 

Leo didn’t want to hurt Mikey, it was the last thing he wanted to do. Leo knew that Raph was going to hurt Donny and Donny will realize he’d be better off with Leo. If Leo indulged Mikey’s fantasy and gave him false hope it would only hurt him more in the end. Mikey would just have to settle for Raph; they worked better together anyway.

Leo looked up at the clock to check the time. He wondered how long Raph would keep Donny out and what they were doing. His eyes drifted over to the trash and tears started to run down his cheeks. He was growing weary of crying.

Leo hoped that Raph doesn’t take too much from Don while they are together.


	4. Chapter 4

Donny held tight to Raph while they zipped through the city. He had no idea where they were going for their picnic. Raph said that he wanted it to be a surprise. 

They left the city and hit one of the back roads. Raph picked up speed and Donny found himself smiling. He loved the thrill of riding on the back of Raph’s bike and hoped that it would become a regular event for them. 

Raph pulled off to the side of the road when they got to a field of tall grass. He waited for Don to dismount and collect the basket from the back before getting off to walk his bike into the grass. 

They found a nice spot, flattened the grass down and then placed the blanket over it. As the sun set, they ate the dumplings and talked.

Donny didn’t push anything and that helped Raph to relax, he even let Donny feed him a few dumplings. For a moment they forgot that they were on a date and simply acted like they normally did when they were together. 

Once they were done and the sun set, they cleaned up and laid back to look up at the stars. 

“It’s not often that I get to see the stars. It’s so beautiful,” Donny said as he looked up at the sky. He identified several clusters of stars in a matter of seconds. “There’s so much light pollution in the city.”

“That’s why I brought you here,” Raph replied, rolling to his side. “I know we don’t get out of the city much and I remembered the look on your face the first time you got to see them out at Casey’s farm.” 

“This is sweet,” Donny smiled and kissed Raph’s cheek. “Thank you.”

Raph watched Don as he looked at the stars and listened to him prattle on about different things. When Donny took a break to just look up at them in wonder, Raph asked, “Why do you like me?”

Turning his head, Don looked at Raph. “Several reasons. You’re strong and passionate. Despite your rough exterior there is a kind and loving soul inside. And… I love your eyes. They’re like the sun, full of fire and beauty and they have a force that draws me in. I think you’re beautiful.”

Raph’s eyes stayed locked with Donny’s up until Don called him beautiful then he blushed and looked away. “Guys don’t like to be called beautiful.”

“I let myself get carried away,” Donny said, internally chiding himself for letting his emotions get the better of him. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Raph waved it off.

Donny looked back up at the stars. “Why am I not your type?”

“It’s not that there is anything wrong with you,” Raph explained. “It’s that Mikey and me have fun. We laugh and he can bring me out of a funk.”

“But we get along.” Donny continued to look up at the stars. “It’s not like we don’t have anything in common. We work on your bike together. I like to ride on the bike with you. I enjoy football though I watch it for the strategy while you watch it for the sport.” 

Don looked at Raph and noticed that his eyes had wandered down Donny’s body. Donny suddenly felt self-conscious. 

“You have nice legs,” Raph stated as he placed his hand on Don’s thigh. 

“Oh?” Donny was starting to feel light headed. “Thank you,” was all he could think to say.

“Yeah.” Raph kept his hand on Don’s thigh as he leaned in for a kiss. 

Donny could taste the garlic that lingered on Raph’s tongue and wondered if his breath was just as bad. If it was, then Raph didn’t seem to care and Don wasn’t about to break the kiss anytime soon. 

Donny had just started to relax and fall into the kiss when Raph moved over top of him, causing him to tense up again. Pulling Don’s leg up, Raph settled between them without breaking the kiss. 

When Raph’s hand traveled down to cup Don’s butt, Don broke the kiss, “What are you doing?”

“Fooling around,” Raph answered then moved in to continue the kiss but Don turned away. 

“I said no sex until you want me more than you want Mikey.”

“This isn’t sex,” Raph smiled. “There’s a lot we can do without having sex.”

Don placed his hands on Raph’s plastron and pushed up a little. “I don’t want this relationship to be based on sex. That’s why I set that condition.”

“Why else are we together?” Raph asked with a shrug of his shoulders. “That’s the endgame in all of this, isn’t it?”

“What I mean, is that we should develop our relationship before we move on to the sexual stuff,” Donny explained. “I don’t want you to be with me just for the sex. I don’t want to think I have to use it in order to keep you.” 

“You watch too many of Splinter’s stories.” Raph got up and sat back on his feet. “It’s not like we’ve never hung out before. You said it yourself, that we have a few things in common. We live together for fucks sake. And I would never view you as a sexual object. I care for you and I respect you, Donny, but at the same time… without sex, our relationship won’t change. We’ve already developed every other aspect of it. What else is left?”

“Secrets,” Donny answered. “In order to be intimate with each other we need to know each other intimately.”

“Secrets?” Raph scoffed. “Like what?”

Donny shrugged, “Tell me something no one else knows about you. I want to know everything about you and I want you to know everything about me. Things we’re afraid to share with the others. I want you to trust me enough to be completely open with me without the fear of being judged.”

Raph thought for a moment then mumbled, “You first.”

Sitting up, Donny took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I watch porn.”

Raph scoffed, “We all do that. Try again.”

Blushing, Donny mumbled, “I masturbate to it.”

“Again, we all do that,” Raph crossed his arms over his plastron. “Tell me something Splinter would freak out over.”

Donny bit his bottom lip as he considered what he was going to admit to. Trembling a little bit, Don looked away. “I have made and used an assortment of… sex toys.”

That got Raph’s attention. “Like what?”

Donny shrugged, “Standard things like dildos, but plugs, fleshlights, and vibrators.”

“And you’ve used them?” Donny could hear the smile in Raph’s voice. 

Donny nodded, keeping his eyes diverted. 

“Okay,” Raph cleared his throat and sighed. “I guess it’s my turn. I have… a… tattoo.”

Despite his embarrassment, Donny turned to look at Raph. “Where? How?”

“Don’t freak out.” Raph held up his hands. “I went to a guy who does the kinds of tattoos that makes people look like animals. When he saw me, he just thought that I had a lot of work done. I got the tattoo on my back, under my carapace.”

Donny turned to directly face Raph. “Let me see it.”

“You won’t be able to see much in the dark,” Raph pointed out. “I’ll show you later, back at the lair.”

“I can’t believe that you got a tattoo,” Donny stared at Raph in disbelief. 

“I can’t believe that sweet little you has used sex toys,” Raph shot back. 

Donny flushed then stuttered out, “Well, haven’t you?”

Raph shook his head, “No. Where would I get sex toys? The trash? I’m not gonna use something someone else has.”

Donny shrugged, “You could have bought one in the same neighborhood where you got the tattoo.”

Raph burst out laughing, “I never even thought about it. I guess I had always been too drunk.”

“You got the tattoo when you were drunk?” Donny pushed Raph. “What were you thinking?”

“I was drunk,” Raph laughed, grabbing Don’s wrist. “I wasn’t thinking. I just wanted a tattoo.”

“You don’t think things through when you’re sober,” Donny teased. He moved to pull his wrist out of Raph’s hand but he held tight. 

“We can’t all be geniuses,” Raph grunted. It was too dark to see but Donny could hear the change in the way Raph was breathing and smell his arousal. “For some reason, I can’t get the thought of you using sex toys out of my head.” With one hand still gripping Don’s wrist, Raph’s other hand came up to caress Don’s cheek then he pulled him into a kiss. 

Letting go of Don’s wrists, Raph coaxed him back down onto his carapace and positioned himself back between Don’s legs. “Now, where was I before you wanted a confession?”

Raph smashed their mouths together in a sloppy kiss and he kept his mouth pressed against Don’s. He pressed his tail against Donny’s and Don could feel that Raph’s penis was starting to emerge. Churring, Raph bucked his hips against Don’s. 

Donny held tight to Raph’s hard arms and could feel the muscles move with each thrust. He couldn’t stop his own arousal as his mind fogged from the flood of hormones. He finally understood how mistakes happened when it came to matters of sex. He was ready to give himself to Raph completely, despite himself. 

Donny was driven to the point that he needed a release but he didn’t want to have sex so he reached down between them and grabbed hold of Raph’s penis then started to pump. Raph froze in his movements but still held the kiss as he churred. Using both hands, Don held both their cocks together and pumped. 

Their combined scent was overpowering and only added to his arousal. Donny’s hands were slick with their combined pre-cum, making a squishing sound with his movements that he swore could be heard for miles. They churred into the kiss, which had slowed to a more sensual pace. 

Raph opened his mouth to let out a gasp as his body tensed. Donny could feel Raph’s dick throb and harden further as well as his own. He squeezed a little harder and moved a little faster. Since the kiss was broken, Donny looked down between them but it was too dark to see anything. He wished he could see but at least he was touching. 

“Your hands are so soft,” Raph gasped out. “And you smell so good.” With a deep churr, Raph tensed up as he climaxed and Donny was quick to follow. Raph pressed his forehead against Don’s and he trembled. Donny worked them through the remainder of their orgasm, not wanting to let go of Raph just yet. 

After a while, their breathing settled and Donny’s hands stopped but he didn’t let go; he wasn’t ready for it to end. 

“I was not expecting you to do that. I just… wow. You okay?” Raph whispered. “I know that you….”

Donny nodded, “Yeah. I’m okay.”

“Good,” Raph kissed him one more time before pulling away to lie down next to him. “I’ll confess something else to you, if you want. To make up for getting carried away.”

“You have more?” Donny looked at Raph and even in the darkness his golden eyes seemed to shine. “Okay.”

“Remember when I had a habit of running off?” Raph asked as he trailed his finger down Don’s plastron. 

“What do you mean, when you ‘had’ a habit of running off? You still do,” Donny quipped. “Whenever things don’t go your way, you’re out the door.”

“Not as bad as I used to,” Raph sounded defensive. “I’ve gotten better. Anyway, when we were ten, I found a bag of… marijuana and I smoked one.”

“Oh my God,” Donny chuckled and looked back up at the stars. “Master Splinter would have a cow if he knew about that.” He thought for a moment, trying to remember back when they were ten and Raph acted strange. “You were missing for a while back when we were ten. I remember how distraught you were when you returned home. Was that when it happened? Did you hide out until you finished it?” 

“Yeah, that’s when it happened. No, I didn’t finish all of it. I smoked part of one.” Raph mumbled. “I guess I had a bad reaction or that it was laced with something else. I freaked out and started running though the sewers then found a place to hide. And then… I… I got… lost. Trust me. I learned my lesson. I will never do that again.”

Sensing the tension in Raph’s voice, Don looked at him and rested his hand on Raph’s shoulder. “Splinter didn’t let us out of the lair all that often and it’s a maze down there. It’s understandable that you got lost. I’m glad you didn’t run to the surface and get caught.” 

“Yeah,” Raph’s voice was barely a whisper then he cleared his throat. “Do you have another one for me?”

“Hmm?” Donny thought for a moment. “I… I don’t have much. Silly things, like, I love romantic comedies and sappy songs. My favorite movies are Sense and Sensibility and The Princess Bride. I like Michael Bolton, One Direction and Katy Perry. I’ve read romance novels and cried at some of the more touching moments. I’m not as adventurous and rebellious as you are.”

“Michael Bolton? What’er you fifty?” With a chuckle, Raph rolled onto his back and looked at the night’s sky. “I never knew you to be so sentimental. I can live with that. I have one more, big secret. I will probably tell you before we have sex. That way you’ll know that I fully trust you and love you.” 

“Okay, that sounds fare. We should probably head back,” Don suggested, sitting up. “It’s getting late and we don’t want Splinter to worry.”

“Or Leo to come out searching for us,” Raph teased, earning himself a slap on the shoulder. “Okay, I’m sorry.” Raph got up and offered his hand to help Donny up. Together they packed the blanket away, dressed in their leathers, and then walked the bike out of the grass. 

When they got back to the road, Donny looked at Raph. “Can I drive?”

“No,” Raph answered as he hopped up on his bike. “Nothing personal, it’s just that I don’t like to be a passenger.”

“I understand,” Donny said as he got up on the bike and wrapped his arms around Raph. “To be honest, I like holding on to you.”

“I like that too,” Raph said quickly as he started the bike. As they rode home, Raph would occasionally reach up and place his hand over Don’s. 

Donny couldn’t believe how good things were going.


	5. Chapter 5

Raph pulled his bike into the garage and killed the engine then waited for Donny to dismount before getting off. They removed their riding leathers and hung them in a closet and put their helmets on a shelf. 

As soon as the leathers were removed, Donny could smell the evidence of the night’s activities on himself. “I need to shower.”

“How about we go to the sauna and we can take a bath,” Raph suggested. “That way I can show you my tattoo. Then after I can walk you to your room and kiss you goodnight.”

“Okay,” Donny blushed. “I had no idea that you could be such a romantic.”

“I’m full of surprises,” Raph smiled as he ran his fingers along Don’s cheek. “I had a good time tonight. Even if we took out the part where we… fooled around, it was nice.”

Donny practically swooned but caught himself before he lost control. The last thing he wanted was to get carried away and cause Raph to pull back. He allowed himself to lean into the touch but resisted the urge to kiss Raph’s wrist. “I enjoyed it too and you did it all for me. I’m supposed to be the one trying to win you over.”

Donny reached up with both hands and grabbed Raph’s hand then pulled as he walked back. “Let get inside and get cleaned up.”

Raph held on to Don’s hand as they walked into the lair and Don did his best to school his expression from the goofy grin that threatened to split his face. Not wanting to wake anyone, they stayed quiet as they made their way to the sauna. 

They both jumped when the light in the kitchen came on. Leo stood glaring at them, “Do you have any idea what time it is?”

Raph groaned, “What the fuck, Leo? Did you really wait up for us?” He walked over to the garbage can to throw away their trash and when he lifted the lid he froze. “Why is your dinner in the trash?”

Leo huffed and crossed his arms over his plastron, “Mikey pitched a fit when I didn’t come down to dinner.”

Raph rounded on him, “He worked all day on those, for you, and you didn’t have the decency to come and eat them?”

“You don’t understand,” Leo snapped back. “I’m not like you. I’m not gonna use Mikey the way you’re using Don.”

“You think I’m using Donny?” Raph snarled and Don could see his temper rising. 

“No, Raph, I know you are,” Leo stated, not backing down. “You would leave Donny in a heartbeat if Mikey decided to give you a chance.”

“You’re an idiot,” Raph said, slamming the lid back down on the trash can. “I’m gonna go see if Mikey’s okay.”

Donny stepped towards Raph, “He’s probably asleep. You can check on him in the morning.”

“If I know Mikey, he’s not asleep,” Raph said then turned and headed upstairs. “He’s still my friend and I’m gonna make sure he’s okay.”

Leo walked up next to Don, “He still favors Mikey over you. Why…?” He stopped talking and his eyes went wide and Donny knew it was because of the way Donny smelled. Leo’s eyes held a mix of disbelief and hurt as he looked at Don. “You…?”

“I… ah… I didn’t…,” Donny couldn’t think of anything to say that would make the situation any better. Leo was hurting, and it was his fault, no matter what he said it would still hurt him. He wished it didn’t have to be that way. He looked at the ground to avoid Leo’s gaze. 

“You reek of Raph.” Leo looked away and kept his eyes down. “You can’t make him love you with sex. I knew he would take advantage. I wouldn’t do that to you, I would do things the right way.”

Donny’s eyes snapped up and he glared at Leo. Anger coursed through him causing him to yell, “I’m not! He didn’t! We didn’t have sex, we just…. I don’t have to explain myself to you.” He knew this would happen. He didn’t want to been seen that way, like he was desperately trying to hold on to Raph. “You don’t know. I’m trying to do things the right way. Raph didn’t do anything wrong.”

Donny’s thoughts became a jumble as his emotions surged. He was more afraid that Raph thought the same way than what Leo thought. He tried desperately to keep them under control but they were too much. “I’m not a whore,” he choked out. “And I’m not stupid.”

He turned and headed for the sauna before Leo could say anything more. 

When the door to the sauna closed, Leo lifted his hands and covered his face. “Why did you say that? So stupid.”

…..

Raph knocked gently on Mikey’s door, “Can I come in?”

“Yeah,” Mikey answered. 

Raph opened the door and looked in before entering. Mikey was on the floor organizing his comics into boxes. Raph had never seen Mikey’s room so clean. There were boxes stacked in a corner that Raph could only assume were full of Mikey’s ‘collectables’. Even the bed was made and the stuffed animals were nowhere to be seen. 

“You doin’ okay, Mikey,” Raph asked. 

“Yeah,” Mikey answered as he sleeved one of his comics. He placed the comic in the box then looked over his shoulder at Raph. “You had a good time tonight.”

Raph knew it wasn’t a question. He still had Don’s scent on him and Mikey wasn’t stupid. Raph chuckled, “It was unexpected but nice. It was just a small part of the night, though. We’re not rushing into things.”

Mikey shrugged, “Whatever you two do is up to you. It’s not like you guys had just met, we live together.”

“I know,” Raph sat on the bed. “That’s what I said but Donny wants us to wait.”

Mikey laughed, “I figured Donny would want to go slow. He’s been watching Master Splinter’s stories a lot lately. They look down on people who are too easy.”

“He said that he didn’t want to look like he was usin’ sex to win me over,” Raph shrugged. “I can see where he’s comin’ from. He wants a special connection first, so it won’t be, just sex.”

“Yeah,” Mikey agreed. “He doesn’t want to come off looking like he’s trying too hard, like me.”

“Mikey,” Raph slipped down off the bed to sit on the floor next to Mikey. “I’m sorry he hurt you. You’re not tryin’ too hard.”

“I’ll back off,” Mikey sighed. “I just… I’m gonna focus on me and give Leo his space.”

“I still think Leo is a damned idiot,” Raph mumbled. 

Mikey tried to shrug it off but Raph could see that he was fighting back tears. “I’m just not what he wants. I can’t blame him for that. I goof off too much.” He looked around his room, “All this stuff is childish.”

“It’s stuff that makes you happy,” Raph said, titling his head to catch Mikey’s eye. “There is nothing wrong with it. You goof off a lot but you are a damned good fighter. We all have flaws but Leo is too caught up in himself to see past yours.”

“I think, I’m gonna go to bed now,” Mikey stood. “Thank you for coming in to check on me. You’re a good friend but you should get back to Donny. I’m sure you being here is upsetting him.”

“I’ll make it up to him,” Raph got up and took another look around the room. “Don’t change yourself for Leo, Mikey. He doesn’t deserve it. If he can’t accept you for you, then he doesn’t deserve you.”

“Okay,” Mikey nodded his head but kept his eyes on the ground. “Goodnight.”

“Night, Mikey,” Raph said, patting Mikey on the shoulder. 

He left Mikey’s room, knowing that his little brother wouldn’t be going to sleep and that he was just being politely dismissed. He passed Leo on the stairs and they exchanged glares but didn’t say anything. 

Raph walked into the sauna and locked the door behind him. Donny was sitting in the large tub, staring down at the water and Raph could tell that he had been crying. 

Without a word, Raph worked his shell off and placed it in the small bath next to Donny’s then slipped into the water. He sat next to Don and grabbed his hand to lift it out of the water and kissed it gently. “I’m sorry I ran off like that. I had to make sure Mikey was okay.”

Donny glanced at Raph, “I understand. Is he okay?”

Raph kept hold of Don’s hand and locked their fingers together. “He’s taking it bad.”

“I’ll talk to him in the morning,” Donny said. “See if I can help at all.”

“What about you?” Raph gave Don’s hand a squeeze. “Why were you crying?”

Donny shook his head and looked away. 

“Is it because of me?”

“Not really,” Donny shook his head again. “It was more because of what Leo said and the way he looked at me.”

“Want me to punch him in the face?” Raph offered with a slight chuckle then his smile faded with the look Donny gave him. 

“He’s hurting, Raph. I’m hurting him. I don’t want to but I am.” Donny looked back down at the water. “This is all just a big mess. How can we be happy if Mikey and Leo are so miserable?”

“We need to give them time,” Raph said. 

“What if Mikey gives up before Leo gives in?” Donny asked, keeping his eyes on the water. “What if he sees how well you’re treating me and decides to change his mind? You still want him.” Donny pulled his hand away from Raph’s. “You’ll leave me for him.”

“Hey,” Raph placed his hand under Don’s chin and made Donny look at him. “I’ve committed myself to you. I might still be getting over Mikey but I’m not using you like Leo thinks I am. I’m not in this just for sex. I want a meaningful relationship out of this. If I just wanted sex, I could go find a whore or something.” 

Donny lip quivered, “I want to believe you.”

“Do you think I could be so shallow?”

Donny shook his head, “Not about the sex part. I believe you there. I have a hard time believing that you are committed to me and that, if given the chance, you won’t leave me for Mikey.”

Raph shrugged, “No matter what Leo does, Mikey will always be afraid of me. That ain’t gonna change. He’s not gonna wanna be with me. I like you Donny. I just need to get past the hurt Mikey’s words left behind.”

“How long have you liked him?” Donny ventured to ask. 

Raph thought about it for a while then answered, “I’ve always liked to hang out with him. I started to think about him romantically a little after Leo got back.”

“Oh,” Donny looked away as he processed that. “Not that long then.”

“Turn around and let me wash your back,” Raph said, spinning his finger. “I don’t want to talk about Leo and Mikey anymore and we still need to finish our night.”

With a slight nod, Donny turned around as Raph picked up the cleaning supplies. Raph worked up a thick lather in his hands then started to wash Don’s back, being careful around the exposed connectors along the spine. 

Donny usually wasn’t the one to have his bare back touched by another. He had touched his brothers’ backs plenty of times for medical reasons and to tend to the more tender skin. Raph’s hands were rough and strong but his touch was gentle. He used the back of his hands more since the skin wasn’t as rough. 

Donny’s mind went blank and he felt at ease. He looked over his shoulder at Raph, “Don’t you have something to show me?”

Raph smirked and rinsed Don’s back before turning around. He got up on his knees to bring himself up out of the water. Donny turned and studied the tattoo. Two dragons mirrored each other on either side of Raph’s spine, coming up out of a fire surrounded kanji for fire on the small of Raph’s back. It was all done up in simple white ink that stood out strong against his dark green skin. 

“That’s lovely,” Donny said, running his hand along the tattoo. 

Raph shrugged, “Fire seems to be my element and we all have dragons as our sprit animal so I wanted to incorporate them somehow.”

“You helped with the design?”

Raph nodded, “I sat with him and worked it out first, until he got it right.”

“Did it hurt?” Donny asked as Raph sat back down and turned to face him.

“Like a bitch,” Raph answered with a laugh. “The whole back is extremely sensitive but I didn’t cry… much.”

When Raph grinned Donny chuckled. “I would have loved to have seen that.” He thought for a moment, looking down at the water. “I lied. I do have one more secret but I’m afraid to tell you. It’s kinda two but they go together.”

“We’ll trade our last big secrets one day, when we both know that this is really what we want.” Raph stood then helped Donny out of the tub. “Until then, we’ll take things slow and simply spend more time together.”

“Okay,” Donny nodded. “We can do that.”

They toweled off and helped each other put their shells back on then headed to Donny’s lab. He had moved into his lab shortly after Leo had left for his training. He liked it better, sleeping where he worked. That way he didn’t have to go far when he wanted to flop down into bed. 

As promised, Raph gave him a tender kiss goodnight before turning and heading up to his own room.


	6. Chapter 6

The morning after Don’s date with Raph was rocky for Leo and Don. Leo had spent the majority of the morning building up the courage to apologize to Donny for what he had said the night before. 

Donny finally let out a deep sigh and approached Leo instead. He didn’t want to say anything hurtful to Leo so he picked his words carefully. “What you said last night did hurt,” he admitted. “However, I understand that you have been under a lot of stress lately so I hold no hard feelings over it.”

Leo accepted that as forgiveness and started to relax. After a while they managed to be around each other without it being awkward.

Mikey had pulled away completely, retreating to his room whenever he had free time. He hated that Leo was more concerned with how he had hurt Donny’s feelings but didn’t try to set things right with him. Fortunately, he continued to cook for the family; it was one of the few things that still brought him peace. 

Leo had the dojo, Donny had his lab, and Raph had the weight room but the kitchen was Mikey’s place of sanctuary, until that night. 

Leo saw the opened ramen packages on the counter and commented as he sat at the table. “You don’t have to stop trying just because I didn’t come to dinner last night, Mikey.”

The others were already at the table and Mikey was just finishing up fixing their bowls. Mikey turned with a bowl in his hands and a scowl on his face. He practically slammed the bowl down on the table in front of Leo, sloshing some of the contents out. “I used the packaged noodles as a base and added to it. Not everything I do is centered around you, Leo.”

Leo was looking up at Mikey in shock then managed to peel his eyes away to look at the bowl in front of him. Mikey had added thinly sliced beef and vegetables to the soup to make a hearty meal out of it. 

Mikey handed everyone else a bowl and placed a plate of onion pancakes in the middle of the table before sitting down to eat. 

Picking up his chopsticks, Leo looked sideways at Mikey. “I’m sorry. I assumed….”

“You’ve been doing that a lot lately,” Raph interrupted him, making Leo flush in both anger and embarrassment. 

“I said I was sorry,” Leo snapped. “I admit when I’m wrong.”

Raph glared back at Leo, “Next time, make sure you’re right before you open your damn mouth, Leo. Spare yourself the embarrassment.”

“Enough,” Splinter held up his hand to silence them before Leo could say anything more. “Please, eat in peace.”

“Yes, father,” Leo mumbled as he leaned over his bowl to eat and Raph simply started to shovel food into his mouth. 

In the weeks that followed, Raph and Don grew closer. Though they still spent some time alone they started to spend the majority of their free time together. Donny helped Raph with his workout regimen and Raph helped Don with any heavy lifting. They even started watching sports together and argued over which was better, a good offence or a good defense. 

Whenever Raph did something right, Donny would reward him with gentle kisses and flirtatious touches that were filled with subtle sexual suggestions. It was delicate work, Donny didn’t want to be obvious in his actions but he needed them to be effective. 

He handled Raph’s more undesirable characteristic traits by becoming aloft and at times cold. He would simply pull away with a look of disappointment and without reprimand, which would only end up making Raph angry. Raph would usually stop the behavior and changed his actions to ones that usually earned him a kiss.

With Raph’s anger issues, Donny managed to figure out how to redirect it. Fortunately, the anger was never directed at him, most of it was towards Leo or some punk Purple Dragon. As long as Donny was able to keep his own emotions in check, he usually managed to get Raph to calm down quickly, using the right words and a gentle touch. 

Donny continued to spend some of his time with Leo and had to admit that he did enjoy the intellectual stimulation. Raph just wasn’t one to play chess or Chinese checkers. It felt good to be able to get back into a routine with Leo and it was nice that Leo had backed off a little when it came to Donny dating Raph. 

The majority of the time Donny spent with Leo was during the time Raph was out with Casey but the moment Raph returned, Donny would wrap up his game with Leo then head into his lab with Raph. Despite Leo’s best efforts, there were still times Donny would see anger in Leo’s eyes whenever Raph took him away.

Raph went out with Casey most nights but every so often, he would stay in. Casey needed to spend some quality time with April and that gave Raph a chance for extra quality time with Don. After their nightly patrol and a good, long soak in the sauna, Raph and Don went into Donny’s lab. 

Raph was in good spirits and opened the door to let Donny pass through first. As Raph shut the door, Donny looked over his shoulder at him. “Lock the door behind you.”

For a moment Raph’s features showed his surprise that quickly turned up in to a smile. “That sounds promising.” They hadn’t really fooled around since their date. Leo’s words kept echoing in Donny’s head, causing him to pull back. They did make out and do some heavy petting but their hands stayed above the belt. Raph had tried a few times to take it further but Donny’s reluctance kept Raph from going too far.

“I just don’t want anyone coming in unannounced, especially if we end up with our sells off.” Donny said as he turned around, trying to sound innocent. “I don’t want your secret tattoo to be revealed.”

“Sure,” Raph said as he walked over to Don. “If you say so.”

“What?” Donny backed up towards his bed. “I’m only looking out for you.”

“I just realized something,” Raph’s features took on a mischievous tone and he walked towards Don. “Whenever I came to your lab before and the door was locked, you were playing with some of your homemade toys weren’t you.”

Donny flushed and let out a nervous giggle. “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

Raph pressed in close to Donny and cradled Don’s cheek in his hand. “How about you give me a little demonstration.”

“You want me to demonstrate one of my toys?” Donny asked, looking up into Raph’s eyes. After Raph nodded, Donny ran his bottom lip through his teeth. “I guess we can… explore the more sexual side of our relationship. I’ve made you wait long enough. Remove your carapace and sit on the bed.”

Donny could smell Raph’s arousal as he pulled Don into a quick but deep kiss. Raph removed his carapace then sat down on the bed. His eyes followed Donny as he unlocked a drawer and started to sort through the items inside. 

Donny removed his shell then returned to the bed carrying a small butt plug and a bottle of lube. “Lie back.”

Raph looked up at him in confusion, “What?”

“You want a demonstration, don’t you?” Donny smiled as he coated the plug with lube and sat down on the bed. “I’m going to give you one.”

“Um…,” Raph’s eyes were locked on the plug. “I was thinking more along the lines of watching you use it.”

“This way’s more fun for us both and you get to experience something new,” Donny said as he pushed Raph back. “This will also get your body used to penetration so that when we do have sex, it won’t hurt as much.”

Raph’s gaze went from the plug up to Donny’s eyes, “Wait a minute! You’re expecting to be the one to top?”

Don’s smile faded and he glared down at Raph. “I expect to be an equal partner in this relationship.”

“But…,” Raph tried to argue with his tail tucked up tight. 

“If you want to be the only one to top, then get yourself a girlfriend.” Donny moved to get up but Raph grabbed his arm. 

“I freaked out a little,” Raph said as he held tight to Donny’s arm. “I’m sorry. I just wasn’t expecting…,” he pointed to the plug, “…that, to go in me.”

Donny sat back down and looked at Raph. “Aren’t you a little curious about what it will feel like?” 

Raph shrugged, “Maybe a little. I’ve heard that it could be enjoyable.”

“It is.” Donny gently pushed on Raph’s plastron, “Lie back, and untuck your tail.”

The plug had a strap on the base that fit over Donny’s finger, for better control. He placed his hand between Raph’s legs and placed the tip at Raph’s entrance. “It will only sting for a second. Just stay relaxed.”

“Okay,” Raph managed to choke out. 

“We don’t have to do this now,” Donny pointed out. “I can put this all away and we can just make out.”

“No,” Raph kept his eyes locked with Don’s. “It’s okay. I’m just a little nervous. I mean… I’ve never had anything… in there.”

Donny held up the plug, “That’s why I grabbed the small one.” He placed the tip back against Raph’s hole then started to move it in slow circles. Leaning over Raph, Donny placed his mouth next to Raph’s ear slit. “I promise you’ll like it.”

Raph’s hand came up and grabbed Donny’s arm and held tight as he was penetrated. Donny slowly moved the plug around, causing Raph to gasp and tense up. Donny paused, “Are you okay?”

Raph held his breath as he nodded his head. “It just feels weird. Keep going.”

Donny kept his movements gentle and leaned in to lick up Raph’s neck. As Donny kissed along Raph’s jaw, Raph turned his head to capture Donny’s lips and their tongues pressed and flipped together in a messy kiss. The need to churr had Raph rolling his head back, breaking the kiss and Donny moved to once again suck on Raph’s neck. 

Something brushed against Donny’s arm and he looked down to see Raph’s erection. Donny churred at the sight of it. Raph’s thick cock stood proud and bobbed each time Donny struck Raph’s prostate. Bringing his other hand down, Donny thumbed over the leaking tip. 

Raph gasped and arched his back, grateful that Donny had told him to remove his carapace. Looking up at Donny with hooded eyes, Raph reached down and ran his thumb over Donny’s cloaca. “Let me see yours.”

Donny let his penis out into Raph awaiting hand. Raph churred and his eyes glazed over but they stayed fixed on Donny’s. He pumped Don’s cock but Donny was getting more pleasure out of watching Raph reactions. 

After a while, Donny pulled the plug out and before Raph could say anything inserted his finger. Raph’s hand stopped moving as his body entered in to a state of euphoric bliss. Donny pumped Raph’s heated hard on while his finger caressed his inner walls. 

Each time Donny’s finger struck Raph’s prostate, Raph let out a panting breath. They were soon joined by moans and an occasional roll of the hips. Then he started to squirm. His hands gripped the sheets so tight that his knuckles were turning white and his breathing became erratic. 

Raph arched his back as his muscles tensed. His cock hardened further in Don’s hand and started to throb. Grunting churrs escaped him between each gasping breath and his face scrunched up almost like he was in pain. 

Donny continued to stimulate Raph, enjoying the show. He admired the way Raph flushed, making his skin darken further and how his sweat heightened the definition in his tight muscles. 

One last churr, that closed Raph throat and he reached his climax. His seed shot from him, coating his plastron and Donny’s hand while Donny worked Raph through his orgasm, milking him for all he had. 

Donny couldn’t resist a taste so he licked the last beading drop from the tip then gently pulled his finger out of Raph’s ass. He made his way up, licking some cum from Raph’s plastron and then pressed in for a kiss. Raph’s mouth was hot and the kiss was lazy but full of satisfaction. 

Raph grabbed hold of Donny’s cock, “You haven’t finished yet.” He pushed Donny back and moved over him. Then, after collecting some cum from his plastron, he reached between Don’s parted legs and circled his finger around his entrance. “I don’t really know what I’m doing.”

“I’ll teach you.” Donny’s hands held the back of Raph’s head as they kissed and he bucked his hips, urging Raph to stick his finger in. Using gentle strokes, Raph delved into unfamiliar territory. The way Donny’s muscles clenched against his finger felt amazing and further aroused Raph. 

They kept their faces close, intermittently kissing as Donny fell into his own trance like state. His head swam when Raph’s finger found his prostate. “Right there,” Donny instructed. “That’s what you’re looking for.”

“Here?” Raph asked as he swiped his finger over the bundle of nerves. 

Donny hummed his response, rewarding Raph with a gentle kiss. Sweat dripped from Raph’s beak and Donny could feel Raph’s hard cock, rubbing against him. Raph nuzzled Donny’s neck and brought his mouth close to Don’s ear slit. “I want to be inside you.”

Donny buried his face in the nape of Raph’s neck. He was tempted to agree but he shook his head. “Maybe we should stop.”

“I can keep myself under control,” Raph nuzzled Donny’s cheek. “Don’t worry, I won’t make you do anything you’re not ready for.”

Donny kissed Raph and reached between them to pump Raph’s cock. His other hand was up on Raph’s back, sliding along the delicate skin. Raph’s scent in the air and the rhythmic striking of his prostate had Donny finishing with a toe curling orgasm. He grunted and churred as Raph worked him through it and he showed his gratitude by peppering Raph’s neck with kisses. 

Donny continued to pump Raph’s cock and brought to another orgasm. Raph bucked his hips, running his cock across Don’s palm and into the cum coating Donny’s plastron. Their kissing slowed as the rush wore off and exhaustion took over. Raph’s eyes began to droop and Donny shook him gently, “We should get our shells back on. We don’t want the connecters to dry out.”

“Yeah,” Raph grunted out as he stretched. He got up and washed himself off before picking his carapace up off the floor. As he put it on, he smiled at Donny, “I guess I should go to my own room now.”

Donny was up, holding his carapace. He fidgeted with it as he blushed, “You can stay here, if you want.”

“Okay,” Raph’s smile widened. “I will.”

Donny couldn’t contain the smile that split his face. “Okay.”


	7. Chapter 7

Raph woke up alone in Donny’s bed and looked up to find Donny at his computer. “What time is it?”

Donny looked up from his work, “Twelve o’clock. You haven’t been asleep long.”

“Why aren’t you in bed,” Raph sat up. “I thought the whole point of me sleeping in here was that we sleep together.”

“I… can’t sleep,” Donny answered, backing away from his computer. “I have a lot of work to do and I can’t sleep until I get it done.”

“How long,” Raph yawned out, stretching his arms above his head. 

Donny cringed a little, “All night.”

“All night?” Raph’s eyes went wide. “You’re not gonna sleep?”

“Sometimes my mind won’t slow down enough for me to get to sleep.” Donny shrugged, “I’ll get a few hours when I get too tired to function.”

“Won’t you be tired tomorrow?” Raph asked, a little taken back. 

“That’s why I drink so much coffee.” Donny admitted with a nervous giggle. “I do this all the time. I haven’t had more than a few hours of sleep a night in years.”

Raph glared at Donny, “No.”

“No?” Donny raised an eye ridge. 

“I’ll be right back,” Raph got up and stormed out of the lab. He walked into the kitchen, where Donny kept some of the medical supplies, and grabbed one of the bottles of whisky used for a quick warm up on cold days. 

He broke the seal as he headed back to the lab. As he passed the common room, Raph saw Leo sitting alone, reading a book. He looked up as Raph passed and his eyes fell on the open bottle in Raph’s hand. “None of your fucking business, Leo,” Raph rumbled, not wanting to get in to a fight with Leo.

Slamming the door behind him, Raph made sure it was locked so Leo wouldn’t be able to bother them. Donny was still standing where Raph had left him and his eyes fell on the bottle in his hand. “Why do you have that?”

“You need your mind to slow down enough for you to get to sleep.” Holding up the bottle, Raph smiled, “This will help you sleep.”

Shaking his head, Donny took a few steps back. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“A night cap isn’t going to hurt anything.” Raph used the hand holding the bottle to point at Donny. “You said the reason you wanted me was because I can get you to do things that you normally wouldn’t.” He walked up to Donny then pushed him down on the bed. “You’re taking a drink and you’re getting a full night’s sleep.”

Don’s eyes went wide as he watched Raph fill his mouth with the warm liquor. He tried to get up but Raph pushed him back onto his carapace then pressed his whisky filled mouth against Don’s. Grabbing Donny’s cheeks, Raph squeezed them enough to part Don’s lips then forced the liquor into Donny’s mouth. 

Raph didn’t let up until he felt Donny’s swallow, keeping his mouth pressed to Don’s even when he started to cough as the alcohol burned. Lifting his head but keeping Donny pinned, Raph filled his mouth again and repeated the process. 

He got Donny to drink four times before releasing him and Donny lay there as the alcohol took effect. Raph looked down at him, “Feel relaxed?”

Donny nodded his head, “Yeah.”

“Good,” Raph smiled then placed the bottle on a nearby table before pressing in for a kiss. 

Donny returned the kiss with enthusiasm, bringing his hand up to the back of Raph’s neck to hold him in place. They stayed lip locked for several, long minutes before Raph pulled up and placed his forehead against Don’s. “I’m glad I gave you a chance. I haven’t been this happy in a long time.”

“That’s wonderful to hear,” Donny slurred. “I love you so much.”

Raph chuckled. “Maybe I gave you too much. My goal was to relax you, not get you drunk. I forget that you guys are lightweights compared to me.”

Donny pursed his lips together and blue out a raspberry. “I’m fine.” He giggled and cupped Raph’s face. His glossed over eyes seemed to sparkle. “You’re so wonderful to me and I didn’t even have to try all that hard, you did most of it on your own. You’re such a good boyfriend. Everything is going so much better than I had planned.”

Raph pulled back a little, “Planned?”

Donny’s eyes were drooping and were staring off at nothing. “My plan so you would love me and I made sure to give you rewards so that you would desire me.”

“So, you’ve been… training me to love you?” Raph’s sharp words had Donny rolling his head to look up at him. 

“What?” Donny squinted up at Raph. 

Raph got up off the bed. “I gotta go.”

“What?” Donny tried to get up to but only managed to fall to the floor. “Why?”

Raph rounded on Donny and the anger in his eyes had the smaller turtle freeze in fear. “I’m leaving ‘cause I just found out that you’ve been training me; manipulating me so that I would fall in love with you. I don’t know if my feelings for you are real or just something you manufactured.”

“Nononononono,” Donny scrambled to his feet and held his hands out. “That’s not what I meant. I know that’s how it sounded but that’s not what I’ve been doing. Just let me explain.”

“Why?” Raph snapped back. “So, you can spin your words to explain it all away?”

“I don’t do that,” Donny sobbed as he felt it all start to fall apart. He tried to calm himself so he could think clearly but the alcohol was making his mind fuzzy. He reached out and managed to grab Raph by the arm. “Please, I do love you. All I wanted was for you to love me too.”

“Let go of me,” Raph yelled, pushing Donny off. 

Unable to control his fall in his condition, Donny fell on to one of his workstations. Beakers fell around him as he collided with the desk. Hissing in pain, Donny lifted his hand to reveal several small shards of glass imbedded into his palm. 

Raph stood frozen for a moment then took a step toward Donny but a pounding on the door had Raph stopping again. “What’s going on?” Leo yelled through the door. 

Raph’s features darkened, “What a surprise, Leo’s here to rescue you. I guess he was right about me.” He turned and opened the door to find Leo ready to pick the lock. 

“What happened,” Leo glared up at Raph. “What did you do?”

“What you were hoping would happen,” Raph pushed past Leo. “He’s all yours.”

Deciding to deal with Raph later, Leo rushed into the lab and saw Donny trying to step away from his workstation while avoiding the glass on the floor. His hand dripped with blood and it was obvious that he had been drinking. “Don’t move,” Leo told him then went over to get the broom. 

He carefully swept a path to Donny then guided him to the sink. While running some warm water over the wounds, Leo removed the glass from Donny’s hand. Donny didn’t move or say anything while Leo worked. He simply stared off at nothing. 

Once Leo was done, he wrapped Don’s hand in a towel. Donny didn’t put up any kind of fight when Leo moved him over to a chair and started to bandage the cuts. “They don’t look too deep.” Leo looked up into Donny’s eyes. “Are you okay?”

“I screwed up,” Donny mumbled. “I handled that situation all wrong. I couldn’t think.”

“He hit you,” Leo said as he wrapped Donny’s hand. “There is no excuse for that.”

“He pushed me,” Donny corrected, his voice so quiet Leo had to strain to listen. “I shouldn’t have grabbed at him when he was angry.”

“Donny,” Leo tried to get his attention. “You didn’t do anything wrong. He hurt you.”

“I don’t feel anything,” Donny whispered to himself as tears fell from his eyes. Closing his eyes, Donny took a deep breath and repeated. “I don’t feel anything.”

“Donny?” Leo reached out to him but Donny pulled away. 

“Please go,” Donny choked out then took a shaky breath. “I wanna be alone.”

“Okay,” Leo stood then looked at the mess of broken glass. “I just want to clean that up first and then I’ll go.”

“Leave it,” Donny shook his head. “Please, just go.”

Leo hesitated for a moment then nodded. “I’m here if you need me.” When Donny didn’t respond, Leo turned and headed for the door. He turned back to see Donny curl up in the chair as he continued to mumble to himself. 

…..

Mikey heard Leo yelling and got up to see what was going on. He opened his door in time to see Raph push past Leo and make his way upstairs. Raph had to pass Mikey on his way to his room and Mikey reached out to grab Raph’s arm. “What happened?”

“Leo got what he wanted,” Raph forced out between clinched teeth. He looked at Mikey and he shook as he fought to hold back his tears. “I’m sorry Mikey but I think Donny’s gonna be afraid of me too.” Pulling his arm free from Mikey grasp, Raph continued on his way to his room. 

Needing to know more, Mikey followed. “What happened? Everything was going great between you and Donny.”

Knowing Mikey, Raph decided to get it over with and told him everything. He rambled it out, not knowing if Mikey could even fallow his rage filled recap of the last half hour. Flopping down into his hammock, Raph looked up at the ceiling. “I was falling in love with him, Mikey, but now I’m not sure if that was real. Like that even matters any more. I hurt him. Leo was right and now he’s there to play hero, just like he wanted.”

“You can’t make someone fall in love with you.” Mikey climbed into the hammock with his feet towards Raph’s head. He watched Raph as he struggled with his emotions somewhere between anger and heartbreak. Mikey took a deep breath. “This is Donny we’re talking about. He has a plan for everything. Every move he makes is calculated and thought through. It’s just the way his mind works.”

Mikey waited for a moment to let that sink in before continuing. “He’s a problem solver and he saw you rejecting him as a problem. We all give little rewards to others when they do something we like. It’s just that everyone else does it without realizing that they do it. But Donny…, well, there isn’t much that he doesn’t realize.

“And you have a temper. So, of course Donny is gonna watch his step around you. He’s not gonna jump in your face whenever you do something that makes him mad. He knows that would only piss you off.”

Raph glanced over at Mikey, “How do you know everything he’s done?”

“Because he’s told me,” Mikey answered. “The morning after I made the dumplings, he told me I needed to back off Leo because I was driving him away. He told me how he’s been… handling the delicate situation with you. He knew that if he went after you then you would pull away.”

Raph thought back to that morning when Donny had first asked him out and how he had pulled away. Donny barely spoke to Raph in the weeks that followed. “I remember.” 

Mikey nodded, “Then he tried to come up with ways to get you to come to him.”

“Like pointing out my stretch marks and offering cream to reduce them,” Raph said bitterly.

“Uh,” Mikey ginned sheepishly. “The cream worked. Your stretch marks are barely noticeable now.” He grabbed Raph’s knee and gently shook it. “Look at the positive. When’s the last time you had a drink?”

Raph sighed as he thought. “Not including tonight, it’s been weeks. It was before my date with Donny.”

“Because, you haven’t had the need for it. And another thing, you said that he said that you did it all on your own,” Mikey pointed out. “That alone speaks volumes. You were working ahead of his calculations, meaning that you were truly falling in love with him. You did things out of the blue just to see him smile. You were the one who decided where to go on that first date. You wanted to do things that made him happy.”

“I don’t know,” Raph looked away.

“Damn it, Raph, he’s loved you longer than I’ve loved Leo.”

Raph looked at Mikey, “How long?” 

Mikey went on to tell Raph about how Donny had realized that he had feelings for Raph when they were thirteen but didn’t say anything out of fear of what Splinter would say. He held it in until they were fifteen and, needing to confess to someone, told Splinter then begged for forgiveness. To his relief, Splinter gave him his blessings. Donny had planned on approaching Raph but then the mousers attacked. Their lives were turned upside down and there was never a good time, in Donny’s eyes, to tell Raph. 

He tried subtle things to get Raph to notice him and to build up a good relationship with him. For example, he built Raph the motorcycle and started watching sports. He tried showing off at times, developed a level of sass, and spent more time out of his lab in hopes of being able to interact with Raph. Every chance he had, he put himself in a position to be near Raph in hopes of getting his attention. “He changed himself for you Raph. He used to be a recluse, with his nose in a book, but his desire to be around you had him coming out of his lab.

“Your crush on Joi was devastating for Donny. Then you pulled away from the family when Leo was in South America and Donny thought that, maybe, you had feelings for Leo.

“I noticed my feelings for Leo when we were still fifteen and didn’t say anything for the same reason as Donny. I confessed to Donny when we were sixteen.” Mikey thought back to all the nights he would stay up with Donny talking about Leo and Raph. “He told me that Splinter was okay with it but we were still afraid to let you guys know. We finally built up the courage and then it all fell apart.”

“Donny’s been in love with me for seven years?” Raph sat up and looked at Mikey.

“He wasn’t being manipulative,” Mikey shrugged with a smile. “He was being… meticulous. He finally had his chance and he didn’t want to blow it.”

“The brainiac sure can be an idiot sometimes. But he probably doesn’t want me now.”

“I doubt that,” Mikey smiled. “He loves you.”

Raph managed a soft smile but it faded when Leo entered the room. 

“What happened?” Leo demanded. “What did you do to Donny, he’s devastated.”

“We had our first fight,” Raph answered with a scowl. “From what I understand, all couples go through them.” He got up and tried to leave the room but Leo blocked his path. 

“Where are you going?”

“None of your fucking business.” Raph glared at Leo, “Move.”

“Leo, just let Raph go,” Mikey pleaded.

“Stay out of this, Mikey,” Leo snapped. 

Raph shoved Leo, “Don’t talk to him like that, you fucking prick, and get out of my room.” Using his superior strength, Raph pushed Leo out the door. “I’m going to talk to my boyfriend and get all this sorted out.”

“Raph,” Leo moved to go after him but Mikey was there to stop him. 

“Back off, Leo.” When Leo looked down at Mikey, the smaller turtle pleaded. “You have to accept that Donny doesn’t want you.”

“You’re one to talk,” Leo scoffed. 

“You’re right,” Mikey said through the pain. “I don’t know why I’ve been holding on to the hope of being with you for this long. You’re not the same person I fell in love with five years ago. You must’ve left him in South America. Don’t worry, Leo, I’m done. I don’t want you anymore.” 

Mikey ran into his room and slammed the door before Leo had a chance to respond. It took a minute for Mikey’s words to register then Leo stood, unbelieving. “Five years?”


	8. Chapter 8

Raph knocked before cracking opening the door to the lab. “Donny?”

He could hear the sound of sweeping and looked to find Donny, looking distraught, cleaning up the broken glass. He was mumbling something under his breath but Raph couldn’t make out what it was. 

“Donny?” Raph repeated, a little louder as he walked into the lab. 

Donny looked up and Raph could tell that he fought the urge to jump up. “What… what are you doing here?”

Raph shut the door and locked it, “Mikey talked me in to hearing you out, put a few things in to perspective.”

“Yeah?” Donny stood, the broken glass forgotten. “Okay.” He stood in place, uncertain of what to do and watched Raph. 

Raph made his way to the bed and sat down, the scent of their earlier activities still heavy on the sheets. “How’s your hand?”

Donny shrugged his shoulders, “The cuts weren’t that deep.”

“I’m sorry I… I hurt you.” Raph patted the bed next to him, “Sit, please.”

“Don’t be.” Donny placed the broom against the wall and walked over to sit next to Raph. “It was an accident.” He couldn’t bring himself to look up into Raph’s eyes and instead kept them focused on his hands. 

Raph didn’t want to fumble around with small talk. “Mikey told me that you’ve had a crush on me since we were thirteen.”

Donny flushed but kept his eyes on his hands. “He did?”

Raph placed his hand under Don’s chin and lifted his head so that they were looking in each other’s eyes. Donny’s eyes moved back and forth but Raph’s golden orbs remained steady. “I want to hear everything from you,” Raph demanded. “And I want you to be completely honest with me.”

“Okay,” Donny agreed. “But, I haven’t lied to you,” he insisted. “I’ve been trying for so long to get you to notice me but nothing worked. You never saw me as anything more than your nerdy brother. I gave up for a while, Mikey and I wallowed in misery together. Then when Leo returned, we decided that it was time.”

Raph scoffed, “And your fears played out in front of you when I rejected you and Leo rejected Mikey.”

Donny nodded his head. “Yeah. We were devastated. That night we talked and gave each other support, agreeing that no matter what we would hold out for the one we wanted. We formed a united front.”

“You trying to control everything, was that your big secret?” Raph asked, tucking his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. “Did you tell Mikey to tell me that he was afraid of me, so you could get your chance?”

“Mikey decided that all on his own, I ju…just t… took advantage of it. I don’t try to control everything.” Donny scooted back so that he back was against the wall. “I plan for everything, as best I can but even I get thrown for a loop sometimes. I’m always thinking. Even now, I’m thinking of several different things, including several possible outcomes of this conversation.” He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, “It’s hard to think right now. The whisky is making my mind fuzzy.”

“It’ll keep you honest,” Raph said flatly. 

“You want my secret?” Donny glanced at Raph then looked down at his lap. “I discovered early on that if I suppressed my emotions then I could think more clearly. It helped me in moments of stress when I had to work in a combative situation. It was hard at first but the more I did it, the easier it started to become. I shut it all out, even when I heard you guys call out in pain I had to stay focused on my work. After a while, it got to the point that I had to make the effort to feel. I started to become indifferent to things. 

“I didn’t feel anything when I saw Leo in that pod at Winter’s estate. All that went through my mind was what I needed to do to get him out. I fake my way through the expressions, I understand them well enough so I can hide the fact that I’m apathetic. I can get frustrated or annoyed and I care for you all but… at the same time, I’m detached and everything is so dull.” He looked at Raph and his heart pounded in his chest. “Except for when I’m with you. I never tried to shut off my feelings for you. When I’m around you, I feel so much that I can’t think straight. It’s the reason for all the mistakes I’ve made.”

Raph looked at Don and shrugged, “Wouldn’t that make you wanna stay away from me then?” 

“No,” Donny shook his head. “When I’m around you it’s the only time I genuinely feel anything and I don’t want lose that. I didn’t want to tell you until you loved me so I knew you weren’t with me out of a sense of obligation or pity.” He covered his face with his hands, “It sounds so pathetic when I say it out loud. I was hoping that you could help me get that part of myself back or at least help me hold on to what I have left.”

Raph let out a deep sigh then laid down, resting his head in Donny’s lap. “I’m still kinda mad at you but not enough to put an end to this. I just wanted to leave and clear my head. I thought it was over when I hurt you. I was sure you were gonna see me the same way Leo and Mikey do.” His eyes locked with Don’s, “Just… talk to me from now on. If I do something that upsets you, tell me and explain why.”

“But, whenever Leo points out your mistakes, you get enraged,” Donny argued. “I was trying to avoid that.”

“That’s because it’s Leo,” Raph said as a matter of fact. “It doesn’t take much for him to piss me off. And he’s usually throwing my flaws in my face when I’m already upset so, yeah, I get enraged.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Donny quietly agreed, nodding his head as he wiped the tears away. 

They continued to talk well into the night and Donny eventually fell asleep. 

They had slept in each other’s arms and Donny was so drained that he slept better than he had in years. When he woke up, Raph was still slumbering so he decided to let Raph sleep a little longer. He had his own internal clock to wake him up. 

It was still early when Donny entered the kitchen to find Mikey cursing under his breath. He walked over to see what had Mikey so frazzled and saw his younger brother pealing a pomelo. “Everything okay, Mikey?”

Michelangelo looked over at Donny and sighed. “I was preparing a bowl of grapefruit for Leo’s breakfast, since he doesn’t like cereal and I didn’t feel like cooking anything for breakfast. But this thing has the thickest, fucking rind ever.”

“That’s not a grapefruit,” Donny pointed out, a little taken back by Mikey language and headed to the sink to fill the coffee pot with water. When Mikey looked at him in confusion, Donny explained. “That is a pomelo, the… parent, so to speak, of the grapefruit. It’s not as bitter as the grapefruit but it’s hard to get to.”

“Well that’s just great,” Mikey said in an exasperated tone. “It’s from the stuff April brought. This is ridiculous. This is taking me longer than if I had made something hot.”

“Why aren’t you cooking breakfast?” Donny ventured to ask even though he was sure he already knew the answer. 

“I was running late and I don’t want to be here when Leo wakes up. We argued and I confessed how long I’ve liked him before telling him that I was done.” Mikey answered. He slammed his fists on the counter, “Fuck! Now he’s gonna think I’m trying too hard again.” 

“I’ll make sure he doesn’t,” Donny promised. He filled the coffee brewer with the water then set the pot back on the burner. As he measured out his coffee grounds he occasionally glanced over at Mikey. He could see the frustration in his brother’s movements. “Are you okay?”

Mikey glanced at the clock as he finished peeling the last of the pulp free of its encasing. “I’m fine. I’m just… I’m dealing with it.” He hurriedly placed the bowl of pomelo down where Leo usually sat then poured cereal in bowls for Splinter and Donny and placed glasses of milk with them. He quickly washed his hands and cleaned the small mess left behind by the fruit. 

“Did you eat?” Donny asked as he sat at the table with his cup of coffee. 

“Yeah,” Mikey answered as he dried his hands. “I’ll be in the dojo warming up.”

“Okay,” Donny managed before Mikey bolted from the kitchen. 

Donny wasn’t alone for long before Leo entered the kitchen. Donny greeted him warmly and he could see the questions in Leo’s eyes. “Raph and I talked through our problems. It was just a misunderstanding. He really didn’t mean to hurt me. We were arguing and I was holding on to him then he pushed me away and I lost my footing.” 

“I won’t press the issue then.” Leo picked up his tea pot and paused. “Where’s the hot water?”

Donny looked up and scanned the kitchen. “Mikey must have forgotten. The pomelo was giving him troubles.”

Leo turned to look at Don, “The what?”

Donny pointed to the bowl, “Your breakfast. He thought it was a grapefruit only to discover that it was not. He said April bought them.” He opened his latest science journal and started to read. 

“Oh. I guess I’ll warm up my own water then.” Leo filled the pot with tap water then moved to place it on the stove. 

Donny glanced up in time to see what he was doing and nearly fell over himself to stop him. “Don’t put that on the fire.” He snatched the pot out of Leo’s hands. “You heat the water in the kettle then pour the water into the pot. If you put this on direct heat it will explode.”

“It would?” Leo stood frozen, looking at Donny in disbelief. 

“Yes,” Donny held up the tea pot. “This can handle hot water but not a heat source. The material that it’s made out of does not distribute heat evenly and the part that is touching the heat source would heat up much quicker than the rest of it and make it unstable. It would explode, spraying hot water everywhere.”

“Oh,” Leo flinched a little. “I didn’t know that. What would I do without you?” he ended with a chuckle. 

“I haven’t been the one taking care of you all this time, Mikey has. It’s a wonder he lets you in here at all,” Donny teased as he poured the water into a kettle. “You’d probably manage to set the whole city on fire.”

Leo looked down as he tried not to pout. “I wouldn’t be that bad in the kitchen.”

“With the right instructions maybe,” Donny chuckled then put the kettle on the fire. “When it starts to whistle, the water is done. Pour it into your tea pot then add your tea leaves like you usually do.”

“Thank you,” Leo mumbled as Donny turned to sit back down. 

By the time Leo had finished making his tea, Raph had entered the kitchen. He pulled what he needed from the refrigerator and started to make his protein shake. “Where’s Mikey.”

“In the dojo,” Donny answered. “He had his breakfast early then headed in to warm up.” He moved to get up and get some more coffee but Raph was there with the pot to refresh his cup. “Thank you,” Donny smiled up at him.

“Yeah,” Raph mumbled and returned to preparing his shake. “You’ve trained me well.”

When Splinter entered the kitchen, Donny could see the wave of sorrow that he quickly suppressed as he noticed that Mikey wasn’t there. He sat at the table and poured some of the milk into the bowl. His eyes fell on the bandages around Donny’s hand. “I heard the commotion last night.”

“The matter has been worked out,” Donny told him while Leo’s features darkened. “There was an accident.”

Splinter looked at each of his sons then decided not to press the matter.

Raph stayed in the kitchen, drinking his shake while the others ate. He would exchange glares with Leo every so often but that was nothing new. The only thing that ever changed was the subject of their fight. Donny often wondered if they would even know what to do with themselves if they weren’t fighting about something. 

Raph stopped glaring at Leo long enough to look at Don, “You gonna help with my workout again?”

“Sure,” Donny nodded. “I’ve researched a few more techniques that you can use to improve the effectiveness of your exercises.”

“Good,” Raph said before downing the rest of his shake. “You almost done?”

“Yeah,” Donny finished the rest of his cereal then cleaned his bowl and cup. “See you at training,” Donny said as they left the room. 

Leo watched them go and Splinter placed a reassuring hand on Leo’s wrist. “I know it’s hard but you have to let Donatello go. They are only growing closer as time passes.”

“Why did he have to choose Raph?” Leo sighed. “He’s a brute and is abusive. I will never understand what Don even sees in him?”

Splinter shrugged, “The matters of the heart are complicated.” He gave Leo’s arm a gentle squeeze. “Do not focus so much on what Donatello sees in Raphael. I want you to focus on yourself and why you are drawn to Donatello instead. Explore your own emotions and work through them.”

“Hai, Sensei,” Leo nodded. 

They finished the rest of their breakfast in relative silence. When they were finished, Leo took Splinter’s bowl and washed it, along with his own. Splinter went to watch his morning shows, giving the Turtles about an hour of free time before their morning lessons. 

Leo started to head for the dojo but then remembered that Donny had said that Mikey was in there, warming up. He hesitated a moment then decided to look in on Michelangelo to see what he was doing. Leo expected to see Mikey goofing off when he peeked through the dojo doors but instead he saw Mikey practicing with a kusarigama. 

It was obvious that he was new to the weapon. He was working through basic moves, teaching his body to move with it and his eyes held a level of concentration that was rarely seen in the youngest turtle. 

Leo watched Mikey, mentally correcting him at times, praising him at others. Mikey had a long way to go with his new weapon but Leo had a feeling that he would pick it up quickly. 

The hour passed without Leo even realizing it and Splinter joined him at the dojo door to look in. “He has been studding the kusarigama for a few months. He started just a few weeks before you returned home. He said he wanted a weapon with a blade that worked similar to nunchakus. He is determined to learn it before the next Nexus tournament.”

“It will take a lot of time,” Leo said as he continued to watch Mikey. “He is still a novice.”

“It is hard for him to find extra training time with his job and chores here in the lair.” Splinter stated. “But he works hard at it. He needs someone to spar with him but he does not yet trust himself enough with it. He’s afraid of hurting someone. He won’t even let me in there with him.”

“There seems to be a lot I don’t know about Mikey,” Leo said absentmindedly. 

“There is,” Splinter looked up at Leo. “As his leader, you should know these things. You’ve spent nearly two years in seclusion and even now that you have returned to us, you have yet to fully incorporate yourself back into the family. You have remained aloft these past few months. A lot has happened in the time you were gone that you need to know about.”

Leo nodded, “I understand, father. I will take the time to familiarize myself with the others again.”

“It is just a pity that right after you and Raphael had finally started to work together and bond, something had to come between you again.”

“I will try harder,” Leo promised.

Splinter entered the dojo first and Mikey put away the kusarigama then knelt on the floor. Leo followed soon after and Mikey didn’t even glance up when Leo walked over and knelt down next to him. 

Raph and Don entered the dojo together; Raph complaining about how much is muscles hurt after Donny’s new workout regimen. Donny shyly promised that he would make it up to him, blushing slightly. Leo felt the sting of bitter jealousy then glanced over at Mikey, who was still looking at the ground. 

Leo wanted to say something but couldn’t think of anything so decided to stay quiet. He hadn’t realized before how much his family were like strangers to him. He didn’t expect them to change so much in the time he was gone. 

He looked at Donny and saw a distance in his eyes that wasn’t there two years ago. The more Leo thought about it, the more he realized that there was a different look in Donny’s eyes as he spoke to Raph as opposed to when he was speaking to anyone else. His smile was different too, more genuine around Raph. 

Raph, on the other hand, was tense and he looked haunted, making Leo wonder what Raph had done while he was playing vigilante as the Nightwatcher. He was also more obsessed than ever with his strength, bulking up to at least double his size from two years ago. 

After Raph and Don settled and knelt down, Splinter started their training. It started the same as always, warming up with basic katas together then splitting up for the more complex katas, tailored to their individual fighting styles. Finally came one on one sparing. Raph and Don were granted a break while Leo and Mikey faced off. 

Mikey stood facing Leo, his eyes lacking their usual sparkle and merriment. Keeping his eyes locked on Leo, Mikey moved into a basic stance. Leo moved into his own stance and waited for Splinter’s signal. There was none of Mikey’s usual razing and it seemed to make the atmosphere heavy, even Raph and Don looked uncomfortable. 

“Begin,” Splinter struck his walking stick on the ground for emphasis. 

Mikey moved first and Leo switched his stance to counter but Mikey was too quick. The smaller turtle was able to move in ways that the others couldn’t. He was able to duck under Leo’s counter strike and landed a low blow to Leo’s bridge while circling around behind him. 

A month’s worth of pain was put in to the strike. He hit his mark dead on and the pain that shot through Leo cause tears to swell in his eyes. It took him a moment to recover, long enough for Mikey to begin his next attack. Though Leo had skill and strength, he couldn’t compete with Mikey’s flexibility and agility. 

Mikey managed another blow as he rounded Leo from behind, deadening Leo’s right arm then he jumped and turned, wrapping his legs around Leo’s head. Using his momentum, Mikey moved his body to throw Leo off balance and took him to the mat. 

Leo found himself on his back, looking up at Mikey straddling his chest with his fist ready to strike. It took seconds for Mikey to take him down and the gravity of that realization left Leo in a state of shock. 

“Enough,” Splinter ended the match before Mikey could land his final blow. “Very good, Michelangelo.” Leo could hear a level of sorrow in his father’s voice. “You managed to stay focused throughout the fight.”

Mikey got up and Leo looked over at Raph and Don to see that they were equally shocked. They all knew that Mikey was quick, he would move in for a playful poke occasionally, taking his brothers by surprise. But none of them had ever seen him move with the intent to hurt before.

Leo managed to get his body to work and joined his brothers, kneeling on the mat. 

There was no denying the change in Mikey. The jovial prankster was gone and Leo suddenly found himself missing him.


	9. Chapter 9

Leo sat alone in the dojo, trying to meditate. He liked his solitude; it was comforting to him but not enough to calm his pounding heart. Stress seemed to be part of his everyday life now. 

The problems with Winters and Raph that had greeted him when he first returned home kept his mind occupied for a few days but when everything calmed down, that was when a whole new set of problems started to arise.

The smell of the sewers bothered him along with the dampness in the air. The thick walls made him feel trapped in cramped quarters. The hum of the electric devices rang in his ears, giving him a headache. 

Then there were his brothers and their incessant need to touch. He had forgotten how much physical contact occurred between them. They were constantly touching him and it took every ounce of his control to keep from cringing. 

They wanted to talk to him and for the first time in his life, he was saying the wrong things. He used to be able to articulately argue his point but he found himself stumbling over what he wanted to say and regretting it.

Sleep also eluded him. He couldn’t get comfortable on his bed and it was too quiet. Or was it because the sound was all wrong? 

He heard the footfalls as they approached and didn’t need to look up to know it was his father. Splinter placed something on the floor before he positioned himself across from Leo. 

“How are you?”

“Still sore,” Leo answered truthfully. “I had no idea Mikey could move like that.”

Sighing softly, Splinter placed his hand on Leo’s arm and Leo had to fight the urge to pull away. “I have always known that Michelangelo had the potential to be the best fighter. It was his jovial and carefree disposition that held him back. He has a natural talent for the martial arts that sets him apart from you and your brothers.”

“I hadn’t noticed,” Leo mumbled, keeping his eyes down cast and wishing that his father would remove his hand. 

Instead, Splinter gave Leo’s arm a gentle squeeze. “Remember his rematch with Kluh, for the title of Nexus Champion, when he focused his mind on the fight he easily won.”

“I guess I have learned that lesson,” Leo stated flatly. “I will not underestimate Mikey again.”

Nodding Splinter removed his hand and folded his hands in his lap. “Have you thought about your feelings for Donatello?”

“I have,” Leo answered. 

“How long have you known that you felt this way about him?” Splinter asked. 

Leo looked up at his father for a moment then back down at the floor and shrugged. He didn’t really want to answer him but he knew that he couldn’t lie. He didn’t want to bring things to the surface that he had been working so hard to keep buried. Something he didn’t even want to admit to himself.

Splinter waited patiently, knowing that Leo would eventually answer him. There was the slightest tremor in Leo’s voice as he answered. “When I… heard him say that… he was interested in Raph.”

Splinter’s expression remained unmoved. “Why do you think that is?”

“I don’t know,” Leo answered, knowing that it was a lie. 

“Why did you choose Donatello?” Splinter calmly asked again.

Leo shook his head, not wanting to answer. 

“Was it because he wanted Raphael and you had to make it into a competition with your brother?”

Leo’s eyes shot up to his father. “No! That’s something Raph would do. Not me.”

“Then why? Why decide you wanted Donatello in that moment?”

“Because,” Leo choked out, “I couldn’t have him. It would be easier to pine away for someone who didn’t want me than it would be for me to be in a relationship. Because… I’m afraid.” His body shook as tears flowed down his cheeks. Splinter reached out for him but, this time, Leo moved away. “I don’t like being touched.”

Splinter pulled his hand back and kept still. “What are you afraid of?”

Leo shook his head as he shrugged. “I don’t know.” his voice was brittle. “This doesn’t feel right anymore. I don’t want anyone around me or touching me. Sometimes I’m okay and I feel at home but Mikey is so loud and in your face, and I don’t know how to handle that anymore.”

“I know the difficulties of solitude,” Splinter kept his tone modulated. “Returning home after living alone for so long is a difficult step, one that some never manage to take and it only becomes harder the more time you are away. You showed great strength in returning to us. Your fears do not make you weak, Leonardo, hiding from them does.”

Leo continued to stare at the ground, “I will do better, father.”

“You have exceeded all of my expectations of you,” Splinter soothed. 

“You knew,” Leo said in a small voice. “You knew that when I came back, I would… have problems.”

“Yes,” Splinter nodded. “It is common. You hid it well, at first, but I could see that you were suffering.”

“Then why did you send me away?”

“It was the last part of your training,” Splinter explained. “My master, Yoshi, had to endure it and Shen helped him when he returned, even though he pushed her away, just like we are here to help you.”

“Why didn’t you say anything, when you started to suspect?”

“You needed to be able to admit to the problem before anyone could help you. It was your final test,” Splinter answered. “Even though you didn’t know it, I was helping you as much as I could, without… triggering a reaction by confronting you with it.”

“What do I do now?” Leo asked, feeling defeated and relieved at the same time.

“Now, you heal,” Splinter answered, sliding a box between them. 

Leo looked up at his father, “What’s this?”

“I brought this in so that you might find out more about Michelangelo but now I think you need it more to help you remember what it was like to be part of this family.” He removed the lid to reveal folders, filled with paper. Splinter removed one and opened it, showing Leo the picture Mikey drew of them as super heroes. “Do you remember this?”

Leo nodded, “I do.” The picture was crudely drawn but it was easy to make out who each of them were and what Mikey was trying to portray. Leo managed a gentle smile, “We all had a good laugh at Mikey expense.”

“Yes,” Splinter nodded his head. “You and your brothers were… cruel to him but he didn’t let it affect him.” He pulled out more drawings and showed them to Leo. “He continued to explore art and over time improved.”

With each drawing shown, Leo could see the quality of the art go up. The proportions evened out and a style started to emerge. Mikey started to add shading for a more three dimensional look and smoothed out his coloring. 

Splinter placed the picture drawn five years ago next to one that was more recent, the level of skill was vastly different. Leo looked from the pictures up to his father. “This is… all amazing, Master Splinter, but why are you showing me these?”

“So you can know yourself better through the eyes of your brother,” Splinter said. “His emotions and the way he sees things spill into his work.”

Leo looked down at a picture Mikey had drawn of him. “I know Mikey’s feelings for me,” he sighed, pushing the pictures away. “He told me that he has had feelings for me since we were fifteen.”

Splinter pushed the pictures back towards Leo. “Remember who you were before you left and merge it with what you’ve become. Once you do, your training will be complete and you can take your place as clan leader.”

“Yes, father,” Leo looked down at Mikey’s art. “I won’t let you down.”

“I know you can do this,” Splinter insisted, placing his hand on Leo’s head and was pleased when Leo didn’t pull away. “I wouldn’t have asked it of you if there was any doubt at all.”

Leo closed his eyes and tried to draw comfort from his father’s touch. “I hope you’re right.”

…….

Raph was lounging in his hammock going through recent events in his head. It had been days since his fight with Donny and they had managed to talk through their problems. It was a turning point for everyone in the family. 

While Raph and Donny built their relationship, Leo and Mikey became more reclusive. Leo spent a lot of time with Splinter, meditating while Mikey stayed up in his room or in the dojo. Raph still spent time with Mikey but it wasn’t like before. Mikey no longer wanted to play games, he wanted to spar and his skill left Raph’s head spinning. 

Raph had thought it was kind of funny when Mikey beat Leo but he stopped laughing when Mikey beat him. 

A knock on the door pulled Raph from his thoughts. “Come in.”

“Hey,” Mikey’s voice seemed tight as he entered. “Can we talk?”

“Sure” Raph shifted his position in the hammock to make room for Mikey. 

Raph was expecting Mikey to sit head to toe with him again but was surprised when Mikey climbed into the hammock and rested his head on Raph’s plastron. Unsure how to respond, Raph tensed up a little. 

Mikey didn’t seem to notice or care and stayed where he was as the silence fell heavy in the room. 

“I made a mistake,” Mikey said, so quietly that Raph had to stop breathing so he could hear. 

“What was that?” Raph prompted Mikey to continue. 

“I shouldn’t have rejected you,” Mikey choked out then buried his face. “I see how good you treat Donny and can’t help but thank that that could be me.”

“Mikey, I…,” Raph didn’t really know what to say. 

“Leave Donny, let Leo have him.” Mikey got up and straddled Raph’s hips. He looked down into Raph’s eyes. “Don’t you still want me?”

Raph’s mouth moved but no words came out at first. He collected his thoughts and said, “I’m with Donny and you know how long he’s wanted to be with me. Give Leo some time, he’ll come around.”

Tears filled Mikey’s blue eyes, “But Leo doesn’t want me.”

At that moment, Raph understood how much it must have hurt Donny anytime Raph said the words, ‘Mikey doesn’t want me’. He understood the doubt Donny had felt about Raph’s true feelings and the reasons he was there. 

Raph propped himself up. “Mikey, I love Donny.”

Bottom lip trembling, Mikey choked out, “You don’t love me anymore.”

“I will always love you, Mikey.” Raph reached up and wiped a tear from Mikey’s cheek. “But, I am in love with Donny.”

Raph had never seen Mikey look so crushed. “Please….” Mikey cupped Raph’s face in his hands and pressed in for a kiss. He licked across Raph’s lips, beckoning them to part but Raph kept them closed tight. “Please…,” Mikey sobbed, keeping his mouth pressed against Raph’s. 

Raph gently pushed Mikey away, “No.” Movement caught Raph’s eye and he looked over to see Donny standing in the door. “Donny?”

“How could you,” Donny’s voice was brittle but full of venom. 

Mikey’s head spun around to look at Donny and his breath caught in his throat. He stayed frozen for a moment before clambering off of Raph and out the door before anything else could be said.


	10. Chapter 10

Raph’s eyes stayed locked with Donny’s as he got up out of his hammock. “Donny?”

“I’m okay,” Donny answered, not breaking eye contact. 

Raph wasn’t sure if Donny was actually okay or if he was shutting down again but he had that look in his eyes. “Look, I know what you saw….”

“You don’t have to explain anything,” Donny interrupted, holding up his hands. “I heard what you said.”

“You looked and sounded upset,” Raph said, walking up to Donny. “I want to make sure you really know everything that happened here.”

“Mikey was trying to kiss you,” Donny said as a matter of fact. “Of course I was upset. I feel bad for Mikey and I understand that he’s hurting but I’m also angry with him for what he did. I have every right to feel that anger. I’m just choosing not to express it right now. Me flying off the handle won’t do any of us any good.”

Raph cradled Donny’s cheek in his hand. “Holding in your emotions is only gonna hurt you. Let them out.”

Donny thought for a moment then shook his head and took a step back. “Mikey needs someone to talk to right now and that’s not gonna happen if I let myself have an emotional breakdown.” He turned away from Raph and headed out of the room. 

Raph stayed back and watched him from the doorway. When he got to Mikey’s room, Donny knocked on the door. “Mikey, can we talk?”

“Go away,” Mikey’s choked response came through the door and it hurt Raph to hear it. 

“I understand that you’re hurting, Mikey,” Donny said, dropping down to sit by the door. “We can talk. It might help. You don’t have to come out if you don’t want to. We can talk through the door.” 

Mikey stayed quiet. 

“Please, Mikey,” Donny leaned back against the wall. “We were so close for so long, don’t pull away from me now, let me help you through this. I… I’m not mad… I was just shocked.”

He sat by the door for several hours, beseeching Mikey to talk to him. Raph even stepped in at one point but the only response they got from Mikey was to ask them to go away. After a while, they gave up. 

Raph helped Donny stand. “Maybe he just needs some time,” Raph suggested and they walked back to his room. As soon as Raph shut the door, he said, “Now let them out.”

Donny looked at Raph. “I said I was fine.”

Raph walked closer to Donny. “Let yourself feel, Donny. Like you said, you have a right to be angry so be angry. Be mad at me for not handling that situation better and letting it get that far. Tell me what went through your mind when you saw that.” 

“I saw Mikey enter your room and I stood by the door to listen in so I heard everything. It was an opportunity for me to know for sure.” Donny confessed with a monotonous voice. “It was an awkward situation for you and I’m sure you didn’t want to hurt Mikey.” He shrugged. “You handled it as best as you could. As a matter of fact, I should be thanking him. I heard what you said and now I know that you truly love me. You chose me over him.” 

“And yet you’re standing there like a statue, showing no emotion at all,” Raph’s gravely tone showed his slight annoyance. “Show me that you feel something.”

“I don’t want to say anything… that I might regret latter,” Donny admitted and his body tensed. He took in a sharp breath then let it out slowly. “It really is hard to control myself around you. It’s hard to think.”

“Then don’t,” Raph said, closing the gap between them. “Feel. Whatever you say in the heat of the moment, I promise, I won’t hold it against you.”

“My mind is flooded with a turmoil of emotions right now.” It was like a switch flipped and Donny let his emotions start to show. His face scrunched up and his eyes began to water. For the first time, in a long time, Raph saw Donny cry. Sure, he had seen Donny tear up a few times in the recent past but his controlled tears of sorrow were nothing compared to his current emotional outburst. 

With a racked cry Donny crumpled to the floor, curling in on himself as his body shook uncontrollably. “Mikey’s gotta be hurting bad to do what he did and I can’t do anything to help him. I hate that I can’t fix it.” His voice cracked as he spoke through his sobs. “I feel guilt because, while he’s suffering, we’re getting closer. At the same time, I hate myself for finding joy in this situation, but hearing you say that you are in love with me, makes me happy.”

Without a word, Raph helped Donny up and into the hammock. They curled around each other, cocooned within its folds. Raph held Donny as he cried. Soon the heavy sobs slowed to shuddering breaths and sniffles, and then steady but still heavy breathing, broken with an occasional sharp intake of breath. 

When Donny was calmed down enough, Raph kissed his head. “Feel better?” Donny stayed curled up against Raph and nodded his head. Raph ran his hand gently down Donny’s side and closed his eyes. He didn’t know if it was the best time for it but at that moment he felt ready. “I failed to protect someone.”

Donny stayed unmoving for a moment then shifted a little so that he could look at Raph. “I’m listening.”

Raph took a deep breath then let it out, slowly. “I heard her scream and I ran to find her. I had no idea where it was coming from, or if it was anything more than just a scream. But I swore I heard fear in it and it wasn’t the kind of fear you hear when someone is startled, she was terrified. 

“It took me a while but I found her and what I saw, enraged me. She was being raped by a group of men. I jumped in to save her but I went for the wrong guy first, the one who was on top of her. I was so focused on what he was doing to her that I didn’t see the one holding the gun… and the kid. The guy didn’t try to fight me, he just took aim at them.

“I tried…. Two shots fired. Two lives ended before I could even react, all because I jumped in without thinking, without assessing the situation first.” Raph let out a breathy, sorrow filled laugh and opened his eyes. “I wish I had your ability to just turn them off. Because of my emotions, they died. And, despite that hard lesson, my emotional outburst almost got Leo killed. I just can’t learn.” 

Donny cupped Raph’s face. “I’ll help you get your emotions under control and you can help me to free mine.”

Raph kissed Donny and pulled him close. He was grateful that Donny didn’t try to argue that there wasn’t anything he could have done different, because there was. Donny understood Raph’s guilt, his reasons for feeling it, and didn’t put Raph in the position of having to justify the way he felt. 

He also didn’t sit there and reprimand Raph for his actions that day or tell him what he should have done. Instead he offered Raph help to prevent it from happening again. The confession and Don’s acceptance left Raph feeling a great sense of relief. 

They let the emotions of the day take their effect and they started to doze. Raph’s eyes drooped closed as sleep started to set in but something had his eyes snap open. “Do you smell smoke?”

…..

Leo had spent several days meditating with Splinter and going through the pictures that Mikey had drawn, remembering their past adventures through the eyes of his youngest brother. 

He smiled as he was reminded of the good times. There were several drawings of just the family together. They were obviously a gift for Splinter because the folder they were in had a note in it that read, ‘We didn’t have a camera back then so this is the best I could do with what I could remember’.

Leo was looking at one that depicted a scene of them as kids at Christmas. The detail in what Mikey had remembered of that day long ago amazed Leo. The ragged decorations and the layout of the old lair, even the ugly, mustard yellow couch that they once had, it was all there. 

Leo flipped through the pictures and memories came flooding back. The joys and heartaches were all there in Mikey’s art. Leo could even see the hint of jealousy Mikey had for Karai. Leo still couldn’t believe that his brothers thought that he had a crush on her. He admired her and her skill but his feelings were never romantic.

He was sitting with Splinter in his room as they worked through his problems and over time, he remembered things the he had forgotten.

“Mikey is… insightful and intuitive,” Leo said, softly. “He is more intelligent than he lets on.”

Splinter nodded. “Imagine what life would have been like without Michelangelo’s exuberance. He kept the tensions low and managed to make us smile when we wanted to brood. He held on to his childish ways because he knew that was what we needed, even if it meant making himself the fool.” He sighed, looking over in the direction of Mikey’s bed room. “I tried to warn him that you would be different when you returned but his belief in you was so strong.”

“And I let him down,” Leo mumbled. “I’m not as strong as he believed me to be.”

“You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You have been making great progress the past few days.” With a grunt, Splinter stood. “It is getting late. I am going to bed. We will continue with this in the morning.”

“Goodnight, father,” Leo said as he watched Splinter leave. 

He sat alone and focused his thoughts on Mikey and the way Mikey had made him feel before he left for South America. The prankster did manage to make him smile and laugh, relieving the tension and stress of the time. He remembered the nights when Mikey would come into his room and curl up in bed with him. He used to think that it was because Mikey was seeking comfort but in hindsight, it was comforting for Leo as well. He always slept better with Mikey by his side. 

The thought of losing Mikey left a hollow pit in Leo’s stomach. 

He stood and left his room. Walking down the hall to Mikey’s room, Leo hoped that it wasn’t too late to make amends. If nothing else, he wanted what he had with Mikey back. 

The door to Mikey’s room was open and Leo looked inside only to find it empty. Not just void of an occupant but emptied of everything except the furniture. “Mikey?” Leo stepped back out of the room and looked around. That was when he heard his father call out Mikey’s name and smelled the smoke. 

……

The thing about sadness is that there is no end to how far it goes. When it turns in to desperation, mistakes are made leading to regret and anger from others. Then the void only opens wider and the feeling of loss is overwhelming. 

Every insult played over in his head. Every dejected look, every roll of the eyes haunted his thoughts. His hopes and dreams, shattered. 

The further Mikey dropped in to sadness the more it hurt to just breathe. He was not good enough for Leo to love and now Raph and Don were mad at him. He felt so alone and no matter what he did the void went on. 

His head hurt and he wanted to stop the pain so he went down to the kitchen to get a bottle of pain relievers. Don also had bottles of whisky in the medicine cabinet just in case there was a need for a quick warm up. Mikey grabbed one of those too and headed back to his room. 

Swallowing a handful of pills and washing it down with the whisky, Mikey then started to gather up the boxes filled his comics, toys and games. They no longer brought him joy and only reminded him what it was that Leo hated about him. 

It took him a few trips but he managed to get all of his things into a tunnel just outside the lair. The whole time he drank from the bottle and his head was starting to fog. On his last trip, Splinter saw Mikey walking out of the lair, carrying the last of his boxes. 

“Michelangelo?” Splinter soft voice barely registered in Mikey’s addled mind. 

Splinter followed his youngest out of the lair and watched him add his burden to the pile on the sewer floor. Mikey finished the contents in the bottle then added it to the pile before striking a match and throwing it on the closest box of comics. 

The box caught fire and it spread quickly. Mikey stood there, swaying while he watched his collection go up in smoke. 

“Michelangelo,” Splinter stepped towards Mikey. “Step away from the fire, my son.”

“I don’t feel so good,” Mikey slurred, turning to face his father. He must have slopped whisky on himself at some point because the fame jumped from the pile and ignited Mikey’s hand. 

“Michelangelo!” Splinter rushed to his son and, using his kimono, extinguished the flame while pulling him away from the fire. Splinter managed to coax Mikey a few feet before his youngest threw up then fell to the floor.


	11. Chapter 11

Smoke filled the lair from the tunnels just outside. Leo jumped from the upper level and started to run as soon as his feet hit the ground. As he exited the lair Leo could hear Raph and Don clambering behind him. 

He saw Splinter, frantic in his attempts to pull Mikey away from the fire and rushed to help. Mikey reeked of whisky and vomit and his hand was burned. Without hesitation, Leo lifted him and carried him back into the lair. 

Donny glanced at Mikey as he ran past with Raph carrying fire extinguishers. “Take him to my lab and get him cleaned off,” he ordered before disappearing around the corner. 

Splinter hurried ahead of Leo and opened the door for him. Together they cleaned Mikey off and made sure that his airway was clear. Leo placed pillows under Mikey’s head and turned him onto his side while Splinter covered him with a blanket but left his burnt hand over the covers. 

Leo was at the skink, cleaning himself off when Raph burst into the lab. “This is your fault!” He headed straight for Leo, fists clenched and ready to fight. 

“Raph, stop,” Donny’s voice was toneless but firm as he grabbed Raph’s arm. “We have more important things to take care of now. It looks like Mikey drank a whole bottle of whisky. I need to get an IV in him and I won’t be able to work if you’re fighting Leo.” Letting go of Raph, Donny moved around his lab, gathering the things he would need while Raph stood glaring at Leo, seething in his rage. 

Don was steady in his work, displaying a sense of urgency but he was completely calm. He was stoic as he administered the few precious drugs they had managed to get their hands on. 

Mikey’s breathing was shallow and there was a tent of blue on his sea-green lips. Donny had placed a sticker thermometer across Mikey head and periodically glanced at it. “This isn’t good,” Donny mumbled as he worked. “His temperature is too low.” He turned to Leo and pointed to a cabinet. “Can you get me some heating packs from the top shelf?”

Leo nodded and turned to follow Donny’s directions. His heart pounded and his hands shook. He had no idea how Donny was able to stay so calm when their baby brother was in such bad shape. With several heating packs in hand, Leo walked up to Donny. “Is this enough?”

“Yes, thank you.” Donny placed the packs on strategic points on Mikey’s body. Then he ran his hand over Mikey’s head in a brief moment of affection before returning to his work. 

Leo watched as Donny injected something into Mikey’s IV. “What’s that?”

Donny glanced at Leo as he worked the extra fluid into the bag. “It’s vitamins and glucose. He’s lucky I had these,” he said as a matter of fact. “To be honest, I got them thinking that I might need them for Raph one day. I never imagined that I would be using them on Mikey.”

Once that was done, Donny placed a mask over Mikey’s beak and turned on the oxygen tank. He was then able to treat Mikey’s hand, applying ointment and wrapping it in gauze. 

After one more, quick check of everything, Don started to put his things away then moved a chair close to where Mikey was resting. “I’ve done all I can, for now. We need to watch him to make sure that he continues to breathe.”

“I’ll take the first watch,” Splinter offered, sitting in the chair. His black eyes and the fur below them were wet and his eyes never left his son’s prone form. The pain splayed across Splinter’s face made Leo’s heart sink and he couldn’t help the pang of guilt. 

Leo moved to say something to his father when he was suddenly pulled back by his carapace and slammed into a cabinet. Raph was in his face; his golden eyes ablaze with his anger. “You drove him to this!”

“I didn’t mean to,” Leo shot back. His body tensed, preparing for a fight. “I thought I was sparing him. I didn’t want to give him false hope.”

“Bull shit,” Raph roared, slamming his fist next to Leo’s head. “You criticized him at every turn, made him feel like he wasn’t good enough for you. You drove him away from you because you were so hung up on Donny.” 

Leo didn’t flinch and, unblinking, he held Raph’s gaze. “You don’t know anything.”

Raph moved in closer and Leo could feel his brother’s hot breath ghost across his face. “Enlighten me,” Raph snarled

Leo felt his heart pounding in his chest. He didn’t like having Raph so close but he wasn’t about to back down. He couldn’t. He took a few deep breaths and in a flat tone said, “Did you know there is a species of butterfly in the Amazon that drinks turtles’ tears?”

“What the fuck does that have to do with anything?” Raph yelled, his arms moved in frustration then he ran his hand over his head. The fury and frustration in Raph’s eyes only amplified and Leo was surprised that Raph wasn’t throwing punches. 

“The butterflies saved me.” Leo kept his tone level and didn’t move even though he felt trapped. “I spent a lot of time in the Amazon forest, alone. After a few weeks it started to get hard to think. I started to hallucinate and I soon realized that I was going mad.”

Some of the anger dropped from Raph’s face and he backed off a bit but Leo stayed against the cabinet. “But you wrote to us,” Raph said in confusion, “for a year.”

Looking up at the ceiling, Leo tried to calm his nerves. How could he take over as the leader of their small clan if they saw him as weak, if they knew his failures? He had already confessed it all to Splinter and had received nothing but his support. But, his brothers had to know everything too. “When I realized that I was starting to lose my mind, I wrote a year’s worth of letters and dated each of them for delivery. After that, I lost sense of time, each day blurred into the next.

“I was sitting by the water, lost in my own mind when a butterfly landed on my face and started to drink my tears. It was so strange that it snapped me back to reality. There were turtles everywhere and the butterflies fluttered around their faces as well. I stayed there for days, mesmerized by them. They were so beautiful and none of them were afraid of me.

“After that I found a nearby cluster of small villages and protected them…. I killed people.” The words flowed from him and it felt good to get them out despite his fear of what they would all think of him. He let out a breathy laugh. “I killed some people the moment I got to South America. They were all bad people who did bad things but I knew that father would not approve because they had no chance against me and I should have left them for the authorities. I didn’t practice Bushido and let my anger fuel my actions. I felt like a failure and I was afraid to come home.

“Then April showed up and the desire to be with my family again became overwhelming. But, once I got here, it was hard. It didn’t feel the same and I felt like an outsider, trying to force my way into this family of strangers.”

His confession hung in the air and Leo felt like a weight had been lifted. He continued to look up even though he felt their eyes on him. He didn’t want to see the look on their faces; their disappointment. 

Leo gasped as he was pulled forward, into a tight hug and was surprised to discover that it was Raph. He felt his body tense up then he tried to wiggle free. “Physical contact is also hard for me at the moment.”

Letting him go, Raph stepped back again. “Why didn’t you tell any of us?”

“I was ashamed,” Leo rasped out. He wanted to retreat but managed to keep eye contact with Raph. “I didn’t want to come back a failure. I was afraid to let my weakness show. I had enough problems getting you to follow me as it was.” He closed his eyes and took a steading breath. When he opened them again, he looked at Mikey. 

“I pushed Mikey away. I didn’t want to become attached to anyone because I was afraid that Splinter would send me away again if he knew that I had failed. I said I liked Donny because I knew he didn’t want me and that felt safe.” His eyes drifted over to Splinter and he could see the love on his father’s face. “I have already told Master Splinter all of this and he has been helping me these past few days. I have been getting better, I think.” He looked at Mikey again and felt the guilt bubble up again. “I just took too long and…. This is all my fault.”

“I will do some research,” Donny offered, stepping forward. “I will find you methods to help you through this.”

“Thank you,” Leo whispered, feeling relieved that his brothers didn’t show any signs of disappointment. He glanced at Raph and saw that the hot head’s anger seemed to have faded. 

“For now, though,” Donny said, pulling Leo from his thoughts, as he turned and looked at Mikey. “We need to monitor Mikey. Master Splinter has already volunteered for the first watch and I assume that he will want to sleep in here when whoever is next takes over.”

Splinter nodded his head and placed his hand on Mikey’s head. Leo suspected that he would prefer to sit all night with Mikey, like he used to back when they were kids. But, at his age, staying up all night was a difficult task. He was already having troubles staying up during the day. 

“Then I will sleep in Raph’s room tonight,” Donny stated as a matter of fact then it was like something had changed in Donny and his eyes widened a bit as he looked up at Raph. “If that’s okay?”

Raph nodded, “That’s fine.”

“We should get whatever is left of Mikey’s things out of the sewer tunnels,” Leo stated. Regardless of how he was feeling, he needed to lead his family. “I will take the next watch in a few hours then come up to get one of you.”

“Alright,” Raph nodded then looked at Mikey and sighed. Tears filled his eyes as he walked over and placed a light kiss on Mikey’s head. “You hang in there, okay.”

Leo left the lab first and headed out of the lair and Don followed. They worked in silence as they tried to salvage Mikey’s things. Raph soon joined them and together they brought in the few boxes that were untouched by the fire. 

When Raph and Don headed back out to see if they could find anything else worth salvaging, Leo opened one of the boxes to see what was inside. It was full of art books and folders stuffed with paper. Leo was glad to see that some of Mikey’s work was spared. Pulling a book out, he began to leaf through the pages. 

A blush spread across Leo’s beak when he saw some of Mikey’s more mature fantasies drawn out. Some were romantic, others sexual but all were with Leo. Closing the book, Leo slipped it back into the box and returned the cover. He thought for a moment then lifted the box and took it to his room. Maybe he would get more insight into Mikey from the pictures he didn’t share with Master Splinter. 

When he got back down to the lower level Raph walked up to him. “I’m still pissed about the way you treated Mikey. I get that you were having your own problems but you didn’t have to… kill his spirit.”

Leo nodded, “I understand.”

Donny shoved Raph, drawing an exasperated grunt from the hot head. “Look. I know I give you a hard time and question you at every turn but every leader needs someone who will question them.” Raph shuffled his feet and rubbed the back of his head. “I want you to know that… I respect you as our leader and I do what I do because I don’t want you to screw up. You’re my brother and I love you.”

Leo saw the sincerity in Raph’s eyes and without even thinking about it, he wrapped his arms around his brother. Raph gingerly returned the embrace. “I wouldn’t have let Splinter send you away again.”

“Thank you,” Leo breathed, pulling away from Raph. “He’s told me that the way I’m feeling is normal and that when I beat this, I will be complete in my training.”

“Yeah well,” Raph shrugged. “I love Master Splinter and all but this method of training is stupid.”

“Master Yoshi endured it,” Leo said, feeling a little bit of pride. “He was able to overcome and so will I.”

Donny walked up and Leo could see the distance in his eyes again. It was then that Leo realized that Donny was thinking. “Now that we know about it, we can help you,” Donny stated then tilted his head and for a moment his full attention was on Leo. “We are allowed to help you, right?” When Leo nodded Donny went back to his thoughts. “I should have known better. I knew that you were out there on your own but your trick with the letters had me fooled. I thought you dated them so that we would always know when you wrote each letter, if you ever wanted to look back on them. You hid your problems well.”

“I was determined not to let them show,” Leo looked down at his feet. “I see now how big of a mistake that was.”

“We all make mistakes,” Donny offered without looking directly at Leo, keeping his tone modulated. “I have made plenty. We just need to learn from them and improve ourselves. The best part is that we don’t have to do it alone.”

Leo let out a soft laugh. “I need to get used to the not being alone part again. It’s hard for me to let you guys in again. I have forgotten how to connect and the thought of it, frightens me.”

Donny’s eyes snapped up to lock with Leo’s and he nodded his understanding. “I will try my hardest to make Mikey understand but… I don’t know. This is going to be a long road for all of us.”

“I’m not expecting things to get better in a day, Donny.” Leo’s eyes drifted from Donny to the lab. “I will do all that I can to help Mikey but I still have my own set of problems.” Before Donny could say more Leo yawned, causing a chain reaction with his brothers. “I’m going to get some rest before I relieve Master Splinter. You two should too.”

“Okay,” Donny nodded and walked with Raph up to his room. 

After the door to Raph’s room was closed, Leo checked to see if any of the other boxes had Mikey’s art in them then went up to his room. He started to sort through what he had of Mikey’s art and found several illustrated journals as well. 

As he looked through them, he found the ones Mikey must have done after Leo first rejected him. The heartache Mikey felt was reflected in his art. The one that struck Leo the most was the one Mikey had drawn of himself curled up on his bed. All the hurtful words that had ever been said to him were written around him. 

“I will make this better,” Leo said to himself.


	12. Chapter 12

Leo and Don stood in the doorway, watching Raph talk to Mikey as he opened his eyes. His chest was heaving and his eyes were glazed over as he struggled to keep his eyes open. He looked like all he wanted to do was go back to sleep but Raph has his hand on his face, encouraging him to stay awake. 

Flicking his tongue out to try to moisten his mouth, Mikey discovered the mask over his beak. He moved to take it off but Raph made him keep it on. 

“It’s okay, Mikey,” Raph soothed. 

“What happened?” Mikey choked out as he tried to sit up but a wave of nausea had him staying down. 

“You drank a whole bottle of whisky,” Raph answered, keeping his voice soft. 

“I did?” Mikey brought his hand up to rub his aching head and noticed that it was bandaged. “What happened to my hand?”

“You don’t remember anything?” Raph answered with a question. Leo knew that Mikey hated it when people did that. 

“No,” Mikey said flatly. “I wouldn’t have asked if I remembered.”

“You burned your hand,” Raph finally answered but the way he said it implied that there was more. 

Mikey picked up on it. “What else did I do?”

Raph hesitated for a moment then asked, “What do you remember?”

Mikey scoffed and looked up at the ceiling. “Stop pussy footing around, Raph, and tell me what happened.”

“I need to know the last thing you remember at least,” Raph insisted. 

Heaving out an exasperated sigh, Mikey tried to get his thoughts in order. “I remember…,” he mumbled as he thought. Then his eyes went wide as he remembered something. “I remember,” he sobbed, turning away from Raph. 

“Hey, Mikey, it’s okay,” Raph stood and placed his hand on Mikey’s carapace. “Don and I were able to save most of your stuff.”

Mikey turned to look up a Raph and squeaked out, “What? What about my stuff?”

“Wait… what… what were you talking about?” Raph stammered out. 

Mikey grunted in frustration. “I was talking about trying to kiss you earlier. Now, what were you talking about? What happened to my stuff?”

Leo could tell that Raph was conflicted as he thought about how to answer him. Mikey continued to glare up at Raph, waiting for his response. “You…,” Raph sighed and shook his head, looking down in defeat. “You took it out to the sewer tunnels and set it on fire. That’s how you burned yourself.”

“I did what?” Mikey screamed as his eyes filled with tears. 

Donny rushed over, holding up his hands. “I know you are upset but you have to stay calm or you might hurt yourself.”

“Keep calm?” Mikey took a deep breath then shouted. “Everything…!” He turned his back to his brothers and pulled the covers over his head. “Everything has me upset,” Mikey fussed. “Leo hates me, I humiliated myself with Raph, betrayed your friendship, and then burned all my things while in a drunken stupor.”

Don placed a reassuring hand on Mikey’s shoulder. “Leo doesn’t hate you. He’s just going through something… difficult. Raph and I aren’t mad at you and we were able to save most of your things. We’re all just happy that you’re okay.”

They sat in silence as the minutes dragged on and Mikey kept his back to his brothers. Leo continued to stand in the door way, listening but not wanting to say anything for fear of making matters worse. He looked back over his shoulder to where Splinter was resting on the sofa. They had decided to let him rest since he didn’t sleep well that night. 

After a while, Mikey’s soft voice had Leo turning his attention back to his brothers. “I wasn’t trying to kill myself, just the pain.”

“I believe you,” Donny whispered back. He rubbed Mikey’s arm through the blanket.

Mikey’s body shook as he started to cry. “How could I screw up so horribly?”

“You reached your limit,” Donny stated. “We all have one. The important thing is that you are okay.”

Mikey continued to cry and Leo took a few steps into the lab. “Mikey….” Leo’s voice was just above a whisper but Mikey was able to hear it and he went silent. 

Donny stood and pulled Raph up with him. “Well leave you two alone.”

“We will?” Raph lifted an eye ridge. “I thought you didn’t want Mikey upset.”

“Don’t go,” Mikey pleaded in a shrill voice at the same time. 

Donny dragged Raph with him and whispered to Leo, “His crying is a good sign. It shows that he hasn’t completely shut down. Talk to him. Try to explain.” With that, Donny left, taking Raph with him. The solid thump of the door indicated that they would have absolute privacy. 

Leo stepped towards Mikey. “I’m sorry.”

Mikey stayed quiet, seething under the blanket. Leo kept his distance but refused to leave. 

“I made some mistakes,” Leo tried to explain. “You were right. I lost a part of myself in South America but I’m trying to get it back.” He moved closer and sat down. “Mikey?”

“The only reason you’re here is because you feel guilty.” Mikey’s harsh words felt like a punch to the gut. “I don’t want your pity. I don’t want you anymore, Leo. You can leave.”

Leo moved to say something but Mikey cut him off by yelling, “Go away!”

“Please, Mikey.” Leo placed his hand on Mikey’s shoulder. “Let me explain.”

Pulling away from Leo’s touch, Mikey repeated, “You’re here out of guilt. You don’t want me. You would still be ignoring me if I didn’t….” Mikey’s voice shook and he had to take a few steading breaths before he could continue. “Just leave.”

Leo pulled his hand back and wrung his hands together as he considered leaving. He didn’t know if he could handle Mikey’s problems on top of his own. He stood, hesitated, and then sat back down. “No.” Leo tried to hide the uncertainty in his voice but it came spilling out. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Mikey threw the covers off his head and glared at Leo. “I don’t want you here,” Mikey forced the words out. “Go away.”

“No,” Leo shook his head. He remained seated even though he wanted to get up and run out of the room. 

Mikey swung his injured hand out to hit Leo, and then recoiled in pain after striking Leo’s plastron. When Leo stood to see if he was alright, Mikey managed to strike him on the beak with the other hand. Leo had tears in his eyes from the pain and he stepped back. Mikey brought his hand up to hit Leo again but Leo was able to catch it while holding his beak with the other hand. 

“Mikey, I care about you,” Leo insisted in a nasally voice as Mikey tried to pull free from his grip. “I want to give you a chance. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize how much I need you.”

“You only wanna give me a chance because you can’t have Donny,” Mikey argued as he managed to wrench his wrist free. “You feel the need to be nice to me to alleviate your guilt.”

“That’s not true,” Leo said and moved his hand away from his beak to see if there was any blood. Fortunately, there was none. “I realized I was wrong before you hurt yourself. I went to your room but you weren’t there.”

“I don’t believe you,” Mikey yelled, throwing another punch that Leo managed to avoid. “You’re here because you pity me and you don’t want me to hurt myself again. You’re gonna settle because you can’t have Donny.”

“I swear, that’s not why I’m here,” Leo insisted. 

“I don’t believe you,” Mikey screamed, sitting up and throwing his pillow at Leo. “Go away!”

The door to the lab opened and they both turned to see Splinter enter. “Leonardo,” Splinter beckoned him over. 

Leo placed the pillow on one of the chairs and walked over to his father. “I’m trying…,” Leo started but Splinter held up his hand to quiet him. 

“Give him a little more time,” Splinter told him, taking his hand. “Go to your room and meditate some more. You have your own problems to work through.”

“Yes, father,” Leo bowed his head but stayed just outside the lab as Splinter walked in. 

With Leo out of the room, Mikey was quickly reminded that his body was still recovering and exhaustion started to overwhelm him. He laid back down and moaned as he covered his eyes with his good hand. 

Splinter made his way over to his youngest and, with a grunt, sat down. 

Splinter didn’t say anything while he waited for Mikey to remove his hand from his face and look at him. Mikey’s eyes filled with tears. “Are you disappointed in me?”

“No,” Splinter soothed, placing his hand on Mikey’s chest. “I am sorry that I couldn’t do more to help you with your pain. I tried as much as I could without interfering too much in your relationships but now I see that I should have done more.”

Mikey shook his head. “There was nothing more that you could have done. It’s not like you could have forced Leo to love me back.”

“Your brother does love you,” Splinter said, keeping his tone soft. 

“No.” Mikey looked away. “At least, not beyond brotherly love. I’m nothing more than a burden to him; an annoying little brother. He may not hate me and he doesn’t want me hurt but he doesn’t love me. Not like I love him.”

Leo leaned against the wall and closed his eyes as tears rolled down his cheeks. 

“So, you do still love him.” Splinter ran his hand down Mikey’s head in a gesture of fatherly love and Mikey nodded. Splinter helped Mikey get settled in the bed and fixed the blankets. “There are things you need to know about Leonardo and his time in South America. Do you think you are up to hearing about them now or would you rather sleep?”

Mikey took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I guess you can start and we’ll see how it goes.”


	13. Chapter 13

After twenty four hours, Mikey was finally released from Donny’s care. He went straight for the sofa and sat down. He turned on the television but didn’t watch it. He simply wanted the noise as he sat there, not yet wanting to go into his room. 

He thought about what Splinter had told him and tried to understand. To him, Leo didn’t seem like he was having any problems. Splinter said that it was because he hid it from them all but Mikey wasn’t sure. 

He looked down at his hand, his permanent reminder of his mistake. Guilt filled him as tears blurred his vision. He knew that they were going to start looking at him differently. That they were going to treat him differently. He didn’t want that. He didn’t mean to hurt himself like that. 

He felt the sofa shift next to him and he readied himself for it all. Whoever sat next to him didn’t say anything so he looked over. When saw that it was Leo, he didn’t even try to suppress the groan as he looked away.

For a moment, it looked like Leo was going to get up but, after a bit of fidgeting, he stayed. Taking a deep breath, he asked, “Can we talk?”

Mikey kept his eyes on the ground. “I already told you. I don’t want you out of pity. You don’t need to start paying attention to me, just because you think I’m gonna hurt myself if you don’t.”

“I’m not,” Leo said his voice barely above a whisper. “That’s not why I’m here.”

Mikey glanced over at him. “Are you sure?”

“I…,” Leo sighed. He took a few deep breaths and sat up straighter. He looked over at Mikey, with his mask of control. “I will admit that I feel bad for the way I had treated you. I was… looking after my own needs. I….” 

Something on the television caught his attention and his eyes went wide. Trembling, the color dropped from his face and Leo’s eyes stayed fixed on the screen as his breathing became labored. 

Mikey looked up in time to see a man strike a woman, in a setting similar to South America. Violence ensued on the screen soon after and everyone was shouting. Mikey looked back over to Leo and reached out for him. “Dude, it’s just a movie. We’ve seen it before.”

Next thing he knew, Mikey was being pulled from the sofa. He hit the ground with such force that the wind was driven from his lungs. Leo had his arm twisted up to the point that he was about to pull it from the socket. 

“What are you doing?” Raph yelled, vaulting over the sofa to get to them. He collided with Leo, sending him to the ground. 

Leo was quick to recover. He got himself under Raph in a way that he was able to throw him off. Raph landed on the coffee table, breaking it in half. 

Holding his arm, Mikey scooted back way from Leo as Donny rushed over. He stopped several feet away from Leo and held up his hands. “It’s okay.”

Leo’s eyes darted back and forth but Mikey didn’t think he was really seeing anything. He kept reaching back for his swords, fortunately they weren’t there. 

Donny got down on his knees, keeping his arms out stretched. “You’re at home. No one’s going to hurt you. Look at me.” Don turned to Raph, who was slow to get back on his feet. “Turn the T.V. off, Raph.”

Leo tensed at Raph’s movement and again reached back for the swords that weren’t there. After turning the television off, Raph sat down and looked at Don. “Now what?”

“Look at me, Leo,” Donny said with a slight wave of his arm. “Listen to me. You’re with your family in New York. You’re safe.”

Leo’s breathing was still heavy but his eyes had, at least, stopped darting around. He stood staring at the floor as he got himself under control. “Donny?”

Mikey could see the moment when Leo’s senses came back. The look on his face said it all. He was hesitant to look up at his brothers but he did look at each of them. When his eyes fell on Mikey, there was pain and sorrow in his eyes. 

Mikey looked up at Leo in disbelief. He couldn’t fathom why a movie would set his brother off like that. 

Leo didn’t say anything and looked to be on the verge of tears. Shifting from foot to foot, Leo looked at his brothers one more time before running up to his room. When the door slammed shut, Mikey finally felt that it was safe to move. 

“You okay?” Donny got up and walked up to Mikey so he could examine his arm. 

Mikey was only able to nod in response, shock keeping him from being able to speak. 

Satisfied that Mikey’s arm wasn’t damaged, Donny then turned to Raph. “Are you okay?”

With a groan, Raph stood up and rolled his shoulders back. “I think I’m okay.” He looked at Mikey. “What the hell happened?”

“Leo saw the movie and freaked,” Mikey answered with a shrug. “I didn’t do anything, he just attacked me.”

“Something must have triggered a memory,” Donny explained. He walked over to Raph and started fussing over him. “He wasn’t attacking you. He was attacking a memory.” Mikey watched how Raph and Don interacted with each other and could see how close they had become. Raph wouldn’t have let Donny fuss over him like that a few years ago.

He envied that connection and, more so, Don for finally getting Raph after all these years. A wave of guilt washed over him as he remembered the night he had come on to Raph. 

Splinter came out of the dojo to see what was going on. He looked around at the aftermath and was on the verge of panic. As Donny explained what had happened Raph walked over to Mikey. “You really okay?”

Mikey nodded, “Yeah. My shoulder doesn’t hurt any more. Not really.” He took a deep breath and looked past Raph. He was too embarrassed to keep eye contact, not after what he had done. “I’m sorry, for the other day.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Raph placed his hand on Mikey’s unhurt shoulder and gave it a soft squeeze. “We’re not mad. I want you to know that I’m still here for you if you need me.”

“Thanks,” Mikey tried to force a smile. “I think I’m gonna go back to my room now and see what’s left of my stuff.”

“Do you need any help…, scattering it all over the floor?” Raph teased as he gestured with his arms, eliciting a gentle laugh from Mikey. 

“No. I think I can manage that all on my own.” Mikey backed away, taking care not to step on any of the broken pieces from the coffee table. “Besides, you wouldn’t know where it would all go. There was organization to my chaos.”

“Sure there was,” Raph smiled. “Don’t worry too much about what was lost. I’m sure we can replace it.”

“Yeah, okay.” Mikey took a moment to reassure Splinter that he was alright then continued up to his room. When he opened the door, he saw that his brothers had placed the boxes in the corner. He opened the first box and was glad to see that some of his action figures were okay. 

He closed the lid back on the box and moved it to another corner. The next box held his posters. He was a little saddened to see that there was some damage to them from the smoke and fire extinguishers. It’s not that they were in great condition in the first place but they now looked worse. 

He looked through each box and as he placed the lid back on the last box the tears started to fall. His art was gone. Years of work gone. Climbing up on his bed, Mikey curled up and let himself cry. 

He didn’t know how long he was there before someone knocked on his door. “What?” he choked out, keeping his back to the door. 

He heard the door open then Leo asked, “Did I hurt you?”

“I’m okay,” Mikey answered without turning around. He bit back the snarky remark that hung at the tip of his tongue. 

Mikey could hear Leo shifting before he said, “I heard you crying.”

“I lost some things in the fire that I can’t get back,” Mikey explained. 

“What?” Leo prompted. 

“Some drawings.” His answer was followed by the sound of Leo leaving. To make sure, Mikey turned to look at the door. Leo wasn’t there. “Okay?” he scoffed and rolled back over. 

A few moments later, Leo returned and placed something on the floor. “I’m sorry,” his voice was just above a whisper. “The ones I got from Splinter helped me so when I saw these I… took them.”

Mikey sat up and looked at the box on the floor. “Is that my art?”

“Yes,” Leo answered, keeping his eyes down cast. 

Mikey was caught somewhere between anger and embarrassment. “Did you look through them?”

Nodding his head, Leo answered, “Yes.”

“Get out,” Mikey said through clenched teeth. 

“I’m sorry,” Leo breathed. “I didn’t think that they would be so personal. I was expecting more of what you gave Master Splinter. I just wanted to remember….”

Mikey fought the urge to cry but he couldn’t stop the tears that fell. “Go!”

“Okay.” Leo backed out of the room and closed the door behind him. 

Mikey got of his bed and crawled across the floor to the box. When he looked in it, he saw that what wasn’t in art books was sorted into folders and that his art books had colored tags stuck to each page.

He pulled out a folder and saw that it had a color label on it as well. Each folder had colored tags on them. The one in his hand had a blue tag. He opened it and saw that it was full of pictures he had drawn of just Leo. 

He discovered that red was for Raph, purple was for Donny, brown was for Splinter, and green was for pictures of two or more. Black had pictures of their enemies and drawings depicting fights. White was used for Mikey’s drawings of the Justice Force. Yellow was used for Mikey’s made up stories. 

Mikey’s hand hesitated over the last folder. The color on it was pink and Mikey guessed that Leo chose that color because it was the only one left. Or maybe, it was because of what was in the folder. 

He opened it to reveal the few pictures he had drawn of his fantasies of him and Leo together. He flipped through them, embarrassed that he had actually drawn them, even more so knowing that Leo had seen them. Most of them weren’t so bad, just of them cuddling or kissing, but there were a few that Mikey drew when he was horny. 

When he flipped the last page, there was a piece of paper with notes on it, in Leo’s handwriting. It said what he had thought of the pictures. Not one word expressed any form of disgust or anger at what he had seen. One note even joked about the possibility of Mikey being disappointed since Leo wouldn’t be able to ‘measure up’ to the way Mikey had drawn him. This made Mikey blush a little. 

Mikey went back to the other folders to find that Leo had notes in each of them. There were even some in each of the art books. He went through and pulled out each page of notes then climbed back into his bed to read.


	14. Chapter 14

Mikey couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t a common occurrence for him but his thoughts overwhelmed him to the point that he couldn’t shut them down. He kept going over conversations, both real and hypothetical. He felt like he was preparing for a big speech but still wasn’t sure what topic to choose. 

Reading Leo’s notes only added to the torrent of thoughts. Try as he might, he couldn’t stop thinking about everything. So, he got up to take a walk through the lair.

He ended up in the dojo and decided to run through some katas, adding in a few one handed back flips to avoid using his injured hand. He noticed how, the older that he got, the less flexible he was. Splinter had told him that it was something that came with age and that all men had to compensate for it. Mikey was determined to prove him wrong. He had to work harder to maintain that level of flexibility. 

Working up a good sweat, Mikey hoped that his body was tired enough to overrule his mind’s desire to stay awake. After taking a quick shower to clean off the sweat, Mikey headed back upstairs. 

As he passed Leo’s room, he heard Leo mumbling and stopped to lean in close. Sounds of shifting and thumping accompanied the low mumbles. It wasn’t long before Mikey realized that Leo was having a nightmare. 

He opened the door enough to look in and saw Leo thrashing on his floor. Memories of earlier that day had Mikey frozen in the door way. He didn’t want Leo to attack him again. He hesitated for a moment, and then ultimately decided to go in, closing the door behind him. 

“Leo?” Mikey stayed back out of arm’s reach. “Leo, you’re having a nightmare.” He tried to keep his voice soft but loud enough to penetrate the dream. “Wake up and please don’t freak out on me again.”

Leo startled awake, his eyes wide in surprise as he looked up at Mikey. For a moment, Mikey was afraid that Leo was going to attack but he turned his face into his pillow instead. “I keep having nightmares that I’m back in the forest.”

Mikey nodded his understanding then hesitated to ask, “Why are you on the floor and not up in your bed?”

Leo took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “The bed feels strange. I guess I got used to sleeping on the hard ground.”

Mikey knelt down and tilted his head to the side. “Was it easy adjusting to sleeping on the hard ground?”

Leo pulled his head up but continued to look down at the pillow as he shook his head. “No, but I didn’t have a choice.”

“No wonder you keep having nightmares about being back in the forest.” Mikey got up and pulled on Leo to stand. “If you slept on your bed, it wouldn’t feel the same as it did when you slept in the forest. Don’t let the floor be an option, Leo. Get yourself used to sleeping in a bed again.”

Leo hesitated a moment then got to his feet, bringing his pillow with him. “I didn’t think about it that way.”

Gesturing to the bed, Mikey said, “Lie down.”

As Leo got up on the bed, Mikey picked the sheet up off the floor. He waited for Leo to get settled then flipped the sheet out and covered him. 

“Goodnight, Leo.” He turned to leave, making it all the way to the door when the sound of Leo shifting had him turning back around. Leo struggled to get comfortable and Mikey knew that he wasn’t going to get any sleep. 

Shifting his weight from foot to foot, Mikey had a debate in his head. As much as he didn’t want to admit it to himself, he still loved Leo and seeing him suffer, hurt. He gave into his desires and walked back over to Leo. 

Leo stilled when he realized that Mikey was walking towards him, unsure of what was going on. When Mikey moved to get on the bed, Leo shifted to make room for him. Though the bed was big, they had to press together so they would both fit. 

“I… I still don’t…” Mikey sighed in frustration, unable to put his thoughts together. Every speech he had prepared only hours before were lost in a jumble. 

Leo’s hand hovered over Mikey’s shoulder for a moment then pulled back. “It’s okay, Mikey. I don’t expect you to forgive me anytime soon. I’m sorry I took your art and looked through it. And for attacking you earlier. And… for the way I treated you before that.”

“You were going through your own problems and my arm wasn’t hurt all that much.” Mikey shrugged, addressing Leo’s apologies in reverse. “My art’s all organized now and your notes were an interesting read.”

Leo tensed, “I forgot those where in there.”

“I’m glad my pictures helped you,” Mikey said in a small voice. “And…, it was nice to learn that you weren’t mad at me for drawing you… doing… uh… stuff with me.”

Leo shook his head. “What got me the most were all the pictures you drew of yourself, sad, and realizing that you have been drawing them for years. You were always so jovial.”

Mikey shrugged and did his best to hide his face. “I hid my sadness behind my jokes and let them out in my art. It was very therapeutic. I was never so sad that it was unbearable. Then I found a love in cooking and how much you guys liked what I made. That brought me so much joy.”

“You have gotten really good at it,” Leo smiled, his hand hovering once again over Mikey before pulling back. 

“My box with all my recipes was lost in the fire,” Mikey said then added with a slight smirk. “That is, if you don’t have it hidden in here.”

Leo managed a soft chuckle. “I wish I did.”

“I still have doubts, Leo,” Mikey admitted. “Part of me thinks that you’re only being nice because I hurt myself.”

“I don’t know what I can do to quell those doubts,” Leo’s hand, once again, hovered over Mikey. “I have doubts too, and fears.”

“Like touching?” Mikey asked as Leo’s hand pulled back again. 

“Like touching,” Leo nodded, clenching his fist at his side. “The only contact I had with anyone in those two years was to hurt and be hurt. But my biggest fear is getting attached only to have Splinter see me as a failure and decide to send me back.”

Mikey placed his hand on Leo’s cheek and the older turtle closed his eyes as his breathing staggered. “Does that hurt, Leo?” Mikey slid his fingers along Leo’s jaw line. 

Leo shook his head but didn’t open his eyes, continuing to take uneven breaths. 

“You’re not a failure, Leo. Having the strength to come home was the test. I don’t think Splinter will send you away again but if he does, I’ll go with you. I won’t let you be alone again.” Mikey’s words had Leo’s eyes opening. A soft smile spread across Mikey’s beak and he slid his hand down Leo’s arm. “Maybe we can help each other quell our doubts and fears.”

“I’d like that,” Leo whispered. With a gentle smile, Leo brought his trembling hand up and caressed Mikey’s cheek. “I don’t think there is anyone I would rather do it with.”

**

Raph checked the handle on the lab door and found it locked. Grinning, he picked the lock with precision and slid, unheard, into the lab, closing the door behind him. 

The lab was dark with the exception of one, dim light, back where Donny kept his bed. With the stealth of a ninja, Raph made his way through the dark lab. Rounding the artificial wall of bookcases and cabinets, Raph saw exactly what he was expecting to see. 

Donny was without his shell, on his bed, with a dildo pushed balls deep into his ass. It was titillating to watch. Raph’s eyes moved up and noticed that Donny also had something that he was using on his cock, leaving Raph to wonder just how many toys Donny owned. 

Donny’s eyes were clenched shut and he was biting his bottom lip. Raph felt his cock harden and slip out as he watched. It was when he heard his name on Donny’s lips that he couldn’t take it anymore. 

Donny was so absorbed in what he was doing that he didn’t notice Raph until he was almost on top of him. Donny’s eyes snapped open, wide with surprise. His chest heaved and his body went limp, not fighting as Raph removed the dildo and tossed it to the side. 

“You don’t need that anymore,” Raph’s husked, settling between Donny’s legs. 

The surprise in Donny’s eyes faded and softened into a smile. He pulled Raph down into a messy kiss then pushed on Raph’s carapace. In his aroused state, it was hard for Raph to gain the level of concentration needed to detach from his carapace. It wasn’t something he liked doing so he wasn’t practiced in it. 

After a few minutes, they managed to remove it and Donny set it on the floor, next to his. With the shell gone, Raph gained some extra flexibility, making thrusting easier. With little effort, Raph was able to push inside Donny, eliciting a soft moan from the smaller turtle. 

The silky warmth had Raph’s head spinning and his cock screaming with the need to release. He moved with tentative strokes, burying his face in the pillow by Donny’s head. “Oh, fuck.”

Don ran his hands down Raph’s back then back up again. “You can wait a minute before moving so your body can adjust to the new sensation.”

“That sounds like a good idea,” Raph choked out, swallowing hard. “I don’t know if it’s gonna make any difference. This is a little bit of shock to the system.”

“It’s my understanding that most men don’t last long their first time penetrating,” Donny stated as a matter of fact. “Masturbation is nothing compared to it.”

“Thanks for being so understanding,” Raph mumbled, pulling out a little. The cool air on his shaft did little help to ease his raging hard on. “I’m gonna have to make it up to you,” he grunted and pounded out his release. 

“How do you plan on making it up to me?” Donny asked in a teasing manner when Raph collapsed down on him. 

Raph kissed along Donny’s neck and his voice was muffled but clear enough to be understood, “I guess I’ll have to let you finish inside of me.”

Donny’s body shuddered in anticipation, “Sounds fair.”

Sliding out from underneath Raph, Donny got everything he would need to properly prep Raph. He sat on the bed, facing Raph, and then got to work prepping him. While he stretched the tight muscles, Raph’s hand worked to maintain Donny’s erection. 

As Donny moved between Raph’s legs, he had a goofy grin on his face that made Raph smile. Whatever discomfort, that was about to happen, would be worth it. All of Donny’s prep work paid off, and Raph felt no pain as he was breached. He wasn’t called a genius for nothing. 

Though Donny’s didn’t last long enough for Raph to climax, he did enjoy it. He knew that the day would come where they would both last longer. They had to get though all the trial and error first and get to know each other’s bodies. Raph looked forward to getting to know Donny in such an intimate way. 

They kissed and fooled around a little more and Donny showed Raph a few more of his toys before they were both satisfied. Raph kissed the tip of Donny’s nose as they snuggled up against each other. “I have some good news,” Raph said in a soft voice. 

“What’s that?” Donny nuzzled against Raph then let out a deep, satisfied sigh. His finger traced down a few of the deeper scars on Raph’s plastron.

Raph’s hand trailed down the sensitive skin on Don’s exposed back. The protective plates, covering the connectors on the spine, shifted slightly in reaction to the touch. “On my way here, I passed Leo’s room and I could hear Mikey in there with him.” Raph answered with a grin. 

“That is good news,” Donny smiled back, shivering slightly. “I think, knowing Leo’s problems will help Mikey heal and, out of all of us, Mikey is the best one to help Leo.”

“I’m glad I got stuck with you.” Raph placed his forehead against Donny’s. 

“Me too,” Donny’s voice was just above a whisper. 

Raph felt himself start to slip into slumber but Donny shook him awake. “We better get our shells back on.”

“Right,” Raph grunted as he sat up, his mind still a little fuzzy. “Which one’s mine?”

“Left,” Donny yawned. 

Raph got up off the bed and picked up the shell on the left, putting it on in one fluid movement. Donny’s eyes widened as he watched. “The left from the position on the bed, not facing it!” He reached out to stop Raph but it was too late. 

The connectors took hold and the pain that followed had Raph’s legs going numb.


	15. Chapter 15

Raph’s screams of agony echoed through the lair, waking Leo from his light sleep. Leo jumped up from his bed and ran from his room with Mikey close on his heels. As they reached the lab door Splinter emerged from his room and rushed over to meet them. 

Leo tested the door, only to discover that it was locked so Mikey pulled out his lock pick and got to work. He managed to get the door open in a matter of seconds and they rushed in to see Raph writhing on the floor. Donny was nearby preparing a syringe with a look of panic on his face. 

“He put on my shell,” Donny stated as they approached. “Would you help by holding him steady? I need to inject this muscle relaxer into his back.”

Leo got down and held Raph’s Legs while Mikey pushed down on his shoulders. Donny knelt down and held the long needle ready to go under the shell. “Master Splinter, will you pull up on the carapace? Try to keep it steady but gentle. As his muscles relax, they should relinquish their hold on it.”

Leo remembered back when he was a kid and put on the wrong carapace. Splinter was usually diligent about it but Mikey was acting up, distracting him and Leo ran up and grabbed the nearest carapace. He didn’t have the luxury of muscle relaxers. Splinter had to pull the shell from Leo’s back. 

He understood the pain Raph was feeling all too well. The sharp sting of a headache coupled with the painful numbness in the legs, both spreading over his body to meet in the middle as his body protested the foreign connectors. And the fact that it was along the spine meant that it was connected to every nerve ending in the body. It was enough to deaden all other senses. Raph probably didn’t even realize that they were there or that he was screaming or moving. All he was aware of was the pain. 

Donny moved the needle down Raph’s spine, injecting a little of the numbing agent each time as Splinter pulled up. The medicine had an almost immediate effect and Splinter was able to pull Don’s carapace off. He handed the shell back to Leo, who placed it apart from Raph’s. 

Mikey’s eyes went wide as they locked on the small of Raph’s back. “Dude, you have a tattoo?”

Raph moaned as Splinter’s head snapped around to look. “When did you get that tattoo and more importantly, who put it on you?”

“I did it,” Donny answered quickly but from the look in his eyes it was obvious that he was lying.

Mikey looked at him and sighed, “Donny you can’t draw.”

“I… uh… traced it,” Donny’s voice went up making it sound more like a question as he cringed. 

“Donatello,” the severity in Splinter’s voice had Donny dropping his head in shame. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled keeping his eyes on the floor. “I didn’t want him to get into trouble.” He turned and picked up Raph’s shell and gingerly placed it on Raph’s back. He then got up and grabbed a roll of duct tape to hold Raph’s shell in place since his muscles were too weak to hold it in. 

While Donny worked, Splinter placed his hand on Raph’s head, running his fingers over the sweat covered brow. “We will discuss your tattoo later, after you’ve had a chance to rest. Do you understand me?”

“Yes,” Raph answered, turning his head so that his face was buried in his arms. 

Splinter moved to stand and Leo was there to assist. “I am going back to bed.”

“Goodnight,” Leo bowed, giving Splinter’s hand an affectionate squeeze. 

“There will be no practice in the morning,” Splinter said as he headed for the door.

The others also said their goodnights as Splinter left the room then turned their attention back to Raph. 

Once Donny finished securing Raph’s carapace down, he got up and collected his shell from the floor. Running his fingers over each of the connectors, he checked them for any damage before reaching behind himself to put it on. 

“If we’re going to be removing our shells around each other, I’m gonna have to find a way to mark them that will stand up to wear and washing.” Judging by the look in his eyes he was thinking out loud and not expecting any input from the others. 

“Can you get off my legs, Leo,” Raph pleaded, pulling Leo’s attention from Donny. “They’re in that tingly stage where they really hurt.”

“Yeah sorry.” Leo let out a sympathetic hiss and stood, making sure not to put too much pressure on Raph’s legs. “You doing okay?”

“I’ve been better,” Raph replied, his voice muffled since his face was still turned into his arms. 

“Will you help me get him to the bed?” Donny asked as he kneeled down next to Raph. Leo and Mikey nodded and together they were able to lift their large brother, placing him plastron down on the bed. “Thank you,” Donny said as an afterthought.

Sitting on the bed, Donny’s attention stayed focused on Raph. He caressed Raph’s head and watched as exhaustion sank in, drawing Raph into sleep. “I’ll get to work right away so this doesn’t happen again,” Donny whispered more to Raph than anyone else. “I’m sorry I let this happen”

“Don’t blame yourself too much, Donny,” Mikey soothed, wrapping his arms around Donny from behind. “It was an accident.”

“I place them next to each other,” Donny admitted, his voice cracking with emotion and tears filled his eyes as sobs shook his body. 

“He’s not gonna be mad at you, bro,” Mikey assured him. Leo couldn’t help but smile at how Mikey was so focused on calming Donny. He really was something great. 

He sat with Donny for as long as it took to get him to calm down. Not once did Mikey look like it was a burden to be there with him. Not once did he try to rush him or complain about how long it took. He did what was needed and listened as Donny rambled. He then helped Donny into bed and covered him and Raph with a blanket. 

“You didn’t have to wait,” Mikey whispered as he shut the door to the lab behind him. 

“I wanted to,” Leo smiled, reaching out for Mikey. 

Mikey hesitated a moment then took Leo’s hand. Together they made their way back up to Leo’s room and crawled into bed. 

“I remembered all the wrong things,” Leo admitted. “I had forgotten how mature and selfless you can be, when the situation calls for it. You were just so… goofy when I got back.”

Mikey shrugged, “That’s how I cope, man. I was nervous over seeing you again and forgot how to act and I was dealing with that horrible job. I overcompensated. I do that.”

The look on Mikey’s face was so tender and open and it made Leo’s heart swell. He caressed Mikey cheek and looked him in the eyes. “I’m sorry for the way I treated you. I’m afraid I will never be able to make it up to you.”

“Well,” Mikey hummed with a mischievous smile. “In your notes you said that I wasn’t able to depict you accurately enough. Maybe you can pose for me… naked.”

Leo’s eyes went wide and his heart jumped into his throat, his hand freezing on Mikey’s cheek. His mouth opened but he was unable to form any words. 

“You should totally see your face right now,” Mikey chortled as he rolled on to his back. Tears filled his eyes and he gasped for breath as he was overcome with laughter. 

Leo glared down at Mikey, “That’s not funny.”

“Yes it is,” Mikey laughed harder. 

Anytime he managed to get himself under control all he had to do was look at Leo and he was off on another frenzy of laughter. It was such a sweet sound and so full of joy that Leo couldn’t help but join in the merriment. 

Bracing himself up on one arm, Leo turned Mikey’s head toward him then leaned in. Mikey’s laughter stopped as Leo leaned in closer. When their lips touched, Mikey indicated his surprise with a sharp intake of breath. 

They stayed, eyes closed, for several heart beats with their lips ghosting over each other. Then Mikey parted his lips and Leo did the same and they pressed together. Their tongues tentatively brushed against each other before Mikey pressed up, plunging his tongue into Leo’s mouth. 

Leo pulled back a little but didn’t break the kiss. He didn’t want to break the kiss; he just wasn’t expecting Mikey to be so enthusiastic. It was like back when he first got home and Mikey grabbed hold of him. It was overwhelming and a bit frightening but at the same time he didn’t want to break the connection. 

He needed the connection. He needed to know that it was real and that it wasn’t going anywhere. Mikey held him in a tender embrace and the need to pull away wasn’t there. Instead he found himself wanting more. For the first time since returning, his body craved what it had forgotten, the warmth of a welcome touch. 

Although he didn’t want to, Leo pulled away from the kiss and looked down at Mikey. His blue eyes were alight and full of hope and it made Leo smile, knowing that he had something to do with it. “We should get to sleep,” Leo said, keeping his voice low. 

“Okay,” Mikey whispered back, nodding his head. He looked into Leo’s eyes and concern creased his brow. “You are doing this because you want to, right, Leo?” Mikey asked, his voice was rough and his hand shook a little as it ran down Leo arm. 

“I wish there was something I could do to rid you of all this doubt. If only I had realized the way I felt sooner.” Leo thumbed over Mikey’s cheek and kissed him on his head. “I want to do this. I wanted to do this before you hurt yourself… or as you were hurting yourself, I didn’t know about it.”

“I believe you,” Mikey curled up in Leo’s arms. “I know you wouldn’t lie about something like this.”

Leo held Mikey close. He liked the way Mikey fit snug against his body. It was comforting to have him there. All the stress and sleepless nights, coupled with the knowledge that he would be able to sleep in as long as he needed in the morning, lulled Leo to sleep. His dreams were filled with family and friends, instead of the nightmares he was used to having.


	16. Chapter 16

Mikey rolled over and wrapped his arms around Leo. It felt nice to wake up next to him. Mikey breathed in deeply, taking in Leo’s scent. He wouldn’t have minded staying where he was for the rest of the day. 

Leo stirred, taking in a deep breath as he entered wakefulness then tensed. Mikey’s eyes snapped open and before he could say anything, he was thrown from the bed. He landed hard on his butt and was grateful that he had the forethought to tuck his tail. 

Leo bolted upright and his muscles were taut, he looked ready to strike as he looked around the room in confusion. 

“Leo?” Mikey said softly, drawing his brother’s attention away from whatever nightmare he was in. 

“Mikey,” Leo threw the covers off and dropped out of the bed, onto the floor next to Mikey. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Mikey flashed him his best smile. “Now I know to get up first…, if we ever do this again. I’m not assuming that we will.”

Leo chuckled, “You get up first? Now that’s something I have to see.”

Mikey joined in the laughter, “Yeah. Nothing motivates more than the threat of being thrown out of bed, onto your ass.”

When their laughter faded, Leo ran his hand down Mikey’s arm. “I have to get used to it, Mikey. It will take some time but I’m sure that, one day, I’ll find a great deal of comfort in having you there.” 

Mikey felt his heart sip with joy, “Does that mean that we will be doing it again?”

“Yeah,” Leo smiled then leaned forward to place a soft kiss on Mikey’s lips. “I would like to.”

Mikey jumped up and ran out the door, leaving Leo confused on the floor. He ran to his room and grabbed the box containing his art then rushed back to Leo’s room. When he returned, he saw Leo pulling himself off the floor, looking defeated. 

Leo looked up at Mikey then back down at the floor. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No. Sorry,” Mikey walked up to Leo and thrust the box at him. “I was just excited. I decided that I want you to have these so that they can continue to help you get better.”

“Thank you,” Leo accepted the box and placed it next to his bed. “Maybe we can go through them together a little later. We have the day off from practice so we might as well do something productive with it.”

“I’m way ahead of you,” Mikey smiled and shot forward for a quick kiss. “I’m gonna go make us breakfast but first I wanna visit Donny. I’ll see you in a few.”

“Okay,” Leo nodded, still a little confused. “I’m gonna shower then.”

“Kay,” Mikey waved as he left the room. 

He skipped down the stairs and made a b line straight for Donny’s lab. After a soft knock on the door, Mikey pulled it open and peeked inside. “Donny?”

“Come in,” Donny answered. 

Mikey stepped in to the lab and saw Raph peeling the duct tape from around his shell. “How you doing?” Mikey asked, walking up to Raph. 

“I’m fine,” Raph mumbled his response. “I’m not looking forward to my meeting with Splinter.”

“You’re in so much trouble,” Mikey said with a hint of humor. 

“Yeah, I know,” Raph glared at him, balling the tape in his hand and then throwing it at Mikey.

Mikey caught the tape then tossed it into the trash before turning to Donny. “I actually came in here to talk to you about something. Leo and I are getting closer and I was wondering….”

“Say no more,” Donny cut Mikey off then rushed over to his cabinet and pulled out a small box. “I made this kit up for you a while back. Back when we decided to tell them how we felt.” He handed it to Mikey, “That should get you started.”

“Uh… okay?” Mikey opened the box to look inside then closed it again. He could feel his face heating and he whispered to Donny, “This has sex toys in it.”

Donny nodded, “And lube. Make sure you use it. That’s very important. And don’t use yours or Leo’s finger the first time either. Use the butt plug. Our fingers are a little thick but the plug is tapered so it will be easier to insert.”

Mikey’s eyes went wide as his hand shot up to cover Donny’s mouth. “I didn’t come here for a sex talk!” he squeaked out. “I came here to ask you if you could find me some info on Leo’s condition. I wanna help him get better and I don’t want to do anything that would screw it up.”

It was Donny’s turn to blush. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled into Mikey’s hand. He reached out for the box but Mikey pulled it back. 

“I’ll still keep this though.” Mikey glanced over at Raph and saw him try to stifle a smile. This only made Mikey blush harder and he dropped his hand from Donny’s mouth. “It’s bound to happen eventually, I hope, and it’s good to be prepared.”

A soft smile turned up the edges of Donny’s mouth. “I’ll do that research for you and have a printout ready in time for breakfast.”

“Thank you,” Mikey said then checked the contents of the box again. “And, thank you for this.”

“I hope you get to use it soon,” Raph grunted as he stood. “Sex is great.”

“Um… thank you?” Mikey didn’t know what else to say to something like that. 

“Stop it,” Donny hurried over to Raph and slapped his arm before doing a quick exam to make sure the shell was secure. When Raph got the okay, he left the lab and headed for his talk with Splinter. He looked like he was heading to his own execution. 

Mikey thanked Donny again and after placing the box in his room, went to the kitchen to start on breakfast. 

**

Raph knelt on the floor and kept his eyes down cast as his father approached. His heart hammered in his chest, and he was expecting a severe tongue lashing. 

Splinter sat across from him. “Are you alright?”

“Yes,” Raph continued to look at the ground. “I still have a slight headache and my left leg is a little numb but it was completely numb earlier so I think I’ll be okay.”

“Do not hide it if your leg does not continue to improve.”

“I won’t,” Raph nodded.

“When did you get that tattoo?” 

Raph knew that Splinter wouldn’t waste any time getting to the point, as soon as he was sure that Raph was okay. “About a year ago,” Raph answered. 

“Where?”

“A small tattoo shop on the other side of town.” He looked up at Splinter, desperate for him to understand. “The guy worked on all kids of strange people. He had a client who was in the process to look like a lizard. Split his tongue and everything. So this guy thought that I was one of them. Just some extreme turtle fan, nothing more.”

Splinter closed his eyes as he considered Raphael’s words. His ears were flat against his head, a sure sign that he was agitated. All Raphael could do was wait for his father to respond. 

“Do you think it was worth it? Putting your family and yourself in danger like that?”

“I wasn’t thinking about that at the time,” Raph admitted, looking down again. “Leo was gone and I was in a bad place.”

“Were you sober?”

Raphael cringed, his father knew him too well. His throat closed up on him and he could only manage a slight head shake. Truth be told, he spent most of his time drunk back then. 

Splinter sighed and Raph could hear the disappointment. “You can go.”

Raph felt his heart sink. “Please. It was over a year ago. I wouldn’t do something like that now.”

“What more would you like me to do?” Splinter asked, his eyes never leaving Raph. “My concern was for the safety of the family. It has been over a year, if there has been no backlash from it by now, then it is safe to assume that there won’t be any.”

“I don’t know,” Raph admitted, fighting to keep his emotions in check. “I just….”

“I know that you have been through many changes since that time and that you are not the same as you were back then. Though I am disappointed in what you have done, too much time has passed and there is no need for discipline now.” Splinter kept his tone level as he spoke. “I do not believe that you would be so reckless today.”

“Forgive me,” Raph pleaded, his eyes never leaving the floor. “That’s what I want you to do. I can’t stand you being disappointed in me. Not again.”

Splinter sighed and his tone softened. His hand came up and he ran his fingers along Raph’s jawline then he placed them under Raph’s chin, lifting his head so that they were looking at each other. “I am disappointed in the act and your lack of judgment at that time but I am not disappointed in you. You have come a long way since then. I love you, Raphael, and that will never change.”

“Thank you,” Raph sniffled. 

He stayed with Splinter a few moments more, to get his emotions under control, before heading out. He passed the kitchen on the way back to Donny’s lab. His eyes lingered on Mikey as he cooked a hearty breakfast. The smells from the kitchen reminding Raph that he was hungry and he considered eating breakfast instead of simply drinking his protein shake. 

He got to the lab in time to hear Donny ask Leo, “Does the tag bother you?”

“Not really,” Leo answered. Though Raph couldn’t see them, he could hear Leo shifting a little. Whatever Donny had come up with to tag the shells, Leo must have been testing how it felt. 

“Good now you don’t have to worry about putting on the wrong shell,” Donny said. “I’m glad that you and Mikey are working through your problems together. I think he’s the best one for it.”

“Yeah,” Leo answered with a slight chuckle then he sighed. “My memories were warped out there, alone. I had forgotten how great Mikey can be. The more I think about it the more I think you are right about us being good for each other. You and Raph are good together too. You’ve been good for him and he’s gotten you to open up.”

“He loves me enough,” Donny said, keeping his tone flat. “But I know that if everyone else’s feelings were off the table and Raph had his choice, he would want Mikey. The only reason he turned Mikey down that night was because Mikey was there for all the wrong reasons and Raph knew it. It hurts Raph that Mikey is afraid of him.”

“Wouldn’t you be?” Leo asked. Not waiting for Donny’s answer Leo continued. “I’ve seen the way Raph looks at you. He loves you.”

“He treats me well.” Donny replied. “Just make sure you treat Mikey right. I think it would mean a lot to Raph to see Mikey happy.”

Leo let out a deep sigh. “Mikey thinks I am with him out of guilt and you think Raph prefers Mikey over you.” He scoffed, “What are we supposed to do to rid you two of those doubts?”

“I don’t think it will ever be possible,” Donny said as a matter of fact. Raph could hear in his voice that Donny had shut down emotionally and wondered if Leo had noticed it too. “Doubt, once it takes hold buries itself deep and it becomes like a black hole, sucking up all hope. It’s hard to turn that off.”

“He’s right,” Mikey whispered from behind Raph, causing him to jump. When did Mikey get stealthy enough to sneak up on Raph? Placing a finger to his lips, Mikey shushed Raph and they both continued to listen. 

“Do you know what the hardest part for me to face is?” Donny asked. Leo made no verbal response before Donny continued and his voice actually cracked as he spoke. “You said that your feelings for me were never real and that you chose me because you heard me say that I wanted Raph. This means that no one really wanted me. I know that I seclude myself in my lab quite often but… am I really so undesirable?”

There an uncomfortable silence that followed then the next thing they knew, the door to the lab burst open as Donny raced out. Raph and Mikey hid behind the open door as Donny passed on his way to the sauna. 

“You should go to him,” Mikey pushed on Raph’s shoulder. 

“And say what?” Raph looked back at him. “That I was eavesdropping?”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Mikey pushed on him harder. “Just be with him.” 

As Raph stepped around the door to follow Don, he almost collided with Leo. He saw his brother’s expression go from shock to mild anger. 

“What are you two doing?”

“I’m just here to tell everyone that breakfast is ready,’ Mikey said, heading back to the kitchen. “I don’t know what Raph was doing.”

Leo watched Mikey walk to the kitchen then turned his attention back to Raph. “Well?”

“I didn’t mean to listen in,” Raph shrugged. “It just happened.”

Leo looked over his shoulder at the sauna then back at Raph. “You gonna do something about what you just heard?”

“I was on my way,” Raph shot back. “But you delayed me.”

Leo stepped out of Raph’s way and gestured with his arm towards the sauna door. As Raph walked past, Leo grabbed his arm. “Is he right?”

“No,” Raph said, pulling his arm free. “What I feel for Mikey doesn’t go beyond being friends and brothers.” He turned and pressed in close to Leo, “But if you hurt him and he slips into another state of depression like that, I won’t care what kinda shit you’re going through.”

“You focus on not hurting Donny,” Leo said, unflinching. 

Raph sneered at Leo then turned away and headed for the sauna.


	17. Chapter 17

Raph entered the sauna to find Donny breathing deep with his eyes closed. “Don’t push them down, Donny-boy. Let’em out.”

Red, puffy eyes watched Raph as Donny struggled to maintain control. “I’m fine,” he rasped out. 

“We promised to be honest with each other,” Raph pointed out as he walked over to Don. “No secrets between us, Right? So I’m gonna tell the truth here. I overheard what you said to Leo, just now.”

“What?” the tears started to fill Donny’s eyes again. “You were spying on us?”

Raph held up his hands, “I didn’t mean to. It just happened. I was going to tell you how my talk with Splinter went, maybe get a little comfort, when I heard you talking to Leo. I didn’t want to interrupt so I waited. Then you started getting all philosophical and then emotional.”

Donny looked down at his hands. “That’s why I left the room. I was losing control and I wanted to get out of there. I can’t believe I said that to Leo. I sounded so pathetic.”

“So you came in here to shut down?” By this time Raph was standing in front of Donny. He reached up and rubbed his hands on Don’s shoulders. “Let it out, so we can work through it. Trust me, you’ll feel better once you do.”

Donny balled his fists and brought them up to pound gently on Raph’s chest. “The thought of losing control is frightening.”

“It’s liberating,” Raph corrected. 

“Why’d you have to like Mikey?” Donny blurted, leaning into Raph and let himself cry. 

“It was a crush,” Raph soothed. “I have fun with Mikey, he makes me laugh but he also knows how to push my buttons. You make me better. I wanted Mikey so that he could make me feel good, I want to be with you and I wanna make you smile. I love you, Donny. Please don’t doubt that.”

Donny’s body shook with each sob as he finally let all that he had been holding in, out. 

**

As Leo and Mikey enjoyed their breakfast with Splinter, Raph and Don emerged, hand in hand from the sauna. Donny ran back to his lab and Raph joined the others. 

“Donny said he had to get something but he’ll be joining us. I hope you made enough for me,” Raph said, sitting at the table. “I’m starving.”

“You’re in luck,” Mikey got up to get their plates. When he returned to the table he placed a plate in front of Raph. “I must be psychic.”

“You should buy a lottery ticket,” Raph joked. 

“Maybe I will,” Mikey quipped back, taking his seat. 

Donny came out of his lab and hurried into the kitchen. Even though it was apparent that he had been crying, he looked to be in good spirits. He locked eyes with Mikey for a moment then smiled as he sat down and slid a packet of papers over to him. Mikey mouthed the words ‘Thank you’ to him.

“Leonardo told me that you have come up with a way to mark your shells,” Splinter said to Donny. 

Donny nodded, “Yes. I drilled a small hole into the inner upper lip of the shell and filled it with melted, colored plastic. Now that it is hardened it should hold up to wear and tear. I’ve already done mine and Leo’s shells. I’ll do Raph’s and Mikey’s later on today.”

“Good,” Splinter nodded. 

“I should have thought to do it sooner,” Donny mumbled, looking down at his plate. 

“You had other things on your mind,” Raph soothed. 

“No one is thinking that, Donny,” Leo added over Raph. “It’s not like putting on the wrong shell was a common occurrence. You’ve done so much for this family.”

“Doesn’t drilling into the shell hurt?” Mikey asked past a mouth full of eggs.

“Not really,” Leo assured him. “It works like a filling in a tooth. Donny will avoid the nerves. It feels strange at first but you’ll get used to it. I’ll hold your hand while you put your sell back on if you want.”

Blushing, Mikey giggled “Okay,” then applied himself to his breakfast. When he glanced up he noticed a soft smile on Splinter’s lips. 

The rest of the meal was filled with small talk. When they were done, Splinter went to watch his stories while Raph and Don went into the lab so Raph’s shell could be tagged. Mikey started to clean the dishes and Leo handed him his plate. “Do you want any help?”

“I got it,” Mikey smiled. 

“You sure,” Leo persisted. “Your hand is injured after all.”

Mikey lifted his hand to show that he was wearing a glove. “I got it covered.” Chuckling at his own, stupid joke, Mikey went back to cleaning the dishes. 

“Let me do this for you,” Leo said, grabbing Mikey’s writs. 

Cringing, Mikey tried to pull away but Leo only tightened his grip. “Leo, you’re hurting me.”

“Move aside,” Leo growled, glaring at Mikey. 

Mikey’s heart jumped into his chest. How could Leo turn so fast? What could have triggered it? He told himself to not take it personally then spoke softly. “Okay.” He let go of the dishes and stepped back from the sink. When Leo let go of his wrist, Mikey made sure to put more distance between them. “I’ll just be in my room then.”

Leo didn’t answer and turned to start cleaning the dishes. 

Mikey tried not to cry but his vision blurred anyway. He grabbed the packet and ran from the kitchen as fast as he could, not even stopping when he heard Splinter calling out his name. When he got to his room, he closed his door and leaned on it. “It’s not your fault,” he whispered to himself. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

He slid down the door and sank to the floor where he let himself cry. 

After a while he pulled himself up and made his way over to his bed. He collapsed onto it and buried his face into his pillow as a sense of dread washed over him. “Don’t go back down that road,” he chided himself. “You’re over reacting.”

Leo wasn’t going to get better in one night. 

He rolled over and looked up at the ceiling. With deep breaths he calmed the sadness and dread. 

Sitting up, we grabbed the packet that Donny had made for him and started reading. He wanted to understand what was going on with Leo. He got a few pages in before he realized that he wasn’t going to make it through it all in one sitting. It was making his head hurt. “Why can’t they write these things in simple English?” As he placed it on his bedside table he noticed the box that Donny had given him. 

He suddenly felt nervous as he picked the box up and set it down on the bed. Opening the lid he looked at the items inside. Donny was right when he said that there was a lot of lube. There were different varieties and some were edible. 

Mikey placed all the lube on the bedside table and moved on to the other items. Mikey had never seen a butt plug before but he knew what they were the moment he saw them. There were two, one larger and one smaller. Along with those, there were two dildos, also different sizes. 

He picked up the smaller butt plug and turned it over in his hand. There was a band on the base that fit around his finger for better control. 

Curiosity got the better of him and he reached over for a bottle of lube while leaning back on his bed and untucked his tail. His heart pounded in his chest and his hands shook as he squeezed some lube onto the plug. 

It wasn’t like it was his first time masturbating. It was just that he hadn’t done it in a while and it was the first time he had ever used a toy of any kind. His tail trembled in anticipation as he lined the tip up with his entrance. 

Swallowing hard, he gently eased the tip inside. It felt strange and his body naturally pushed against it but he kept the slow, inward progress going. When he reached the base of the plug, the tip struck a spot inside that had Mikey gasping in surprise. 

He wasn’t stupid. He knew a great deal about how gay men had sex and that prostate play was enjoyable, he just didn’t know what to expect. It was nicer than he thought it would be. 

He laid back, resting his head on his pillow, and repositioned himself so that he could get better leverage. His hand controlling the plug was curled around from back, under his leg and he was turned slightly on his side. His other hand came up to play with his emerging cock. 

He managed to make himself churr, something he hadn’t been able to achieve while masturbating before. He knew normal turtles did it but he never knew what his own would sound like. The vibrations felt strange in his throat. 

He rocked his hips to make sure that he continued to strike his prostate and his hand was a blur on his cock. He was close. It amazed him how fast he was reaching his climax, all because of a small butt plug. And it felt better than he had ever managed with just his hand. 

Just as he reached his climax, his door opened. “I’m sorry about before…,” Leo said and then froze. His eyes went wide. “I’m sorry,” he blurted as he slammed the door closed. 

“Oh my God,” Mikey moaned, turning his face into his pillow. 

“I’m so sorry, Mikey,” Leo said through the door. “I should’ve knocked.”

Mikey couldn’t believe that Leo was still there. He half expected him to run away, shut himself in his room, and never talk to Mikey again. After taking a few deep breathes Mikey replied. “I should have locked the door.”

“Do you want me to come back later?” Leo asked, leaning forward and shaking his head. “I’m an idiot,” he mumbled to himself but it was loud enough for Mikey to hear. “I just wanted to apologies. I don’t know what came over me.”

“Give me a minute,” Mikey called back. He wasn’t sure if he really wanted to see Leo, after what had happened, but at the same time he didn’t want to lose the opportunity. Sitting up, he collected all the lube and toys then put them back in the box and placed it under his bed. After cleaning himself off, he covered his lap with his blanket before calling out, “Okay you can come in.”

The door opened and Leo poked his head in. He looked as reluctant as Mikey felt. “I’m sorry for becoming so aggressive. I just wanted you to know that it wasn’t anything you did.”

Mikey shook his head. “I know that this is gonna be a process. That you’re gonna have bad days.” He tilted his head and patted the bed. “Do you wanna sit down and talk about it? Try to work through why you did it?”

“Are you sure?” Leo blushed. “You seemed busy.” 

“I… was done,” Mikey said then inwardly kicked himself. “It’s okay. Really.”

“Okay,” Leo stepped into the room and closed the door. “I don’t know what came over me. When you told me that you didn’t want my help… I just snapped.” He sat down next to Mikey with his legs dangling over the edge. “Splinter came in to the kitchen soon after you left. He helped me to realize what I had done. When I finished the dishes, I went to my room. I’m gonna screw this up, Mikey. I’m not going to be able to pass this final test.”

Mikey reached up to turn Leo’s head so that they were looking at each other. “You don’t have to do it alone. I’ll help you.”

“I’m not the same as I used to be,” Leo insisted. “The one you fell in love with all those years ago is gone.”

“It’s true. You’ve changed but the Leo I love is still here. You just tucked him away for safe keeping.” Mikey ran his thumb over Leo’s cheek. “You’ve been through a lot and you’re hurting and you don’t abandon the ones you love just because they hit a rough patch.”

A slight blush spread across Leo’s beak and Mikey pulled his hand back. “Is it because you don’t want to be touched right now?”

The blush deepened and Leo shook his head as he looked down. “Your scent is on your hand.”

“Sorry,” Mikey felt himself flush as he stuck his hand under the sheets. “I wasn’t thinking.” He was starting to wonder if the situation could get any worse. 

“It’s okay,” Leo stood. “I should go.” 

“You can stay,” the words came out before Mikey could stop them. “We don’t have to do much but I don’t want you to leave yet. We need to get to know each other again. I wanna spend as much time with you as you’ll let me.”

“I want to spend time with you too, Mikey, but I don’t want to hurt you.” 

“It hurts when you shut me out,” Mikey softly replied. 

Leo sat back down then leaned in for a soft kiss. Mikey was sure that he was never going to get tired of Leo’s lips on his. 

The next thing he knew, Mikey was on his back with Leo on top of him but the blanket stayed between them. They kept their hands above the belt but there were a few times Mikey felt Leo’s erection through the blanket. Mikey had never been so happy to have to change his sheets.


	18. Chapter 18

Mikey woke up next to Leo and stifled the need to stretch. They had both fallen asleep after several hours of heavy petting, curling up in each other’s arms. Mikey was still under the blanket, that stuck to him with their dried cum. 

He still couldn’t believe what had happened and wondered if it was all moving too fast. He hated having doubts. Whenever he fantasized being with Leo, there was never any doubt or guilt. 

Donny’s words about doubt echoed through his head. He didn’t want doubt to get in the way of his chance at happiness, to give in to dread or succumb to the sadness. He preferred to be happy and carefree, and to make others happy. 

He turned his head and watched Leo as he slumbered. Knowing that Leo needed his rest and that he wasn’t used to waking up next to someone, Mikey eased himself out from under Leo and made his way out of the room. 

He couldn’t help the smile that split his face as he closed the door behind him. When he turned he saw Raph coming down the hall. “Donny’s ready to tag your shell.” He paused, mid stride, and sniffed the air then a knowing smile spread across his beak. 

“No,” Mikey glared at him and Raph’s smile only widened. “Stop that,” Mikey insisted. “We didn’t…. It’s just…. It’s not….” He groaned, “I’m gonna go take a shower.”

“I’m happy things are getting better for you, Mikey,” Raph called out after him. “And that you were able to use the kit so soon.”

“We didn’t use the kit because we didn’t have sex.” Mikey turned to look at Raph. His need to talk to someone overwhelmed him and he found himself unburdening himself onto Raph. “It’s kinda a sad irony though. I rejected you because I was afraid that you would hurt me and now… Leo…. He’s not himself.”

The smile dropped from Raph’s face. “Is there reason for concern? Did he hurt you?”

Mikey shook his head, “Not really. It’s just that… he’s worse than he was when we fought Shredder and almost died. He was scary and angry back then but not like this.”

“What’d he do,” Raph demanded, keeping his voice soft. 

“Nothing bad,” Mikey insisted. “Nothing like when he was triggered by the movie, though that did freak me out a little. I though he was gonna kill me and I couldn’t get my thoughts together to fight back. After breakfast he… he… lost his temper over something… small. That’s common given his condition, I think…. I just hate that I don’t feel safe with him anymore.”

As the words left his mouth tears streamed down Mikey’s cheeks. He hated saying them out loud. “I don’t know what to do. I still love him but part of me is afraid of him.”

Raph closed the gap between them in a few long strides and pulled Mikey into a warm hug. “You kicked his ass, remember. You are strong enough to handle him. You just need to be willing to put your feelings for him aside and fight back whenever he lashes out. You don’t have to hurt him but you’re skilled enough to keep him from hurting you. You know that it can happen so you won’t be thrown off guard due to disbelief.”

Mikey buried his face in Raph’s chest and hugged him tighter. “Thank you.” They stayed like that for a while and Mikey drew strength from Raph. 

“You really stink,” Raph mumbled, causing Mikey to blush and pull away. 

“I’ll go take my shower then,” Mikey mocked, feeling a little better for getting it all out as he glanced towards his bedroom. His heart skipped a beat when he noticed that the door was open a little. “Leo?”

Raph turned as Mikey rushed past him. He placed his hand on Mikey shoulder before he had the chance to rush into the room. “Remember what I said. I’ll tell Donny that you’ll be a while.”

“Thank you,” Mikey breathed as he pushed the door open and stepped in. He could hear Raph make his way past, on his way back to Donny’s lab. Mikey closed the door and leaned against it. “Leo?”

Leonardo was on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. “It does hurt to hear.” His voice was rough like he had to force the words out. 

Mikey was afraid to ask, “What?”

“That you’re afraid of me now,” Leo answered without taking his eyes of the ceiling. “I understand the pain Raph felt and why it affected him so much. I don’t want you to be afraid of me.” His voice started to tremble. “Not when we just started to give this a try.”

Mikey had read, and understood, enough of the packet to know that it was difficult and frightening for Leo to connect to anyone. If Leo was starting to invest himself, emotionally, into Mikey, it was a good sign. But it would be detrimental to Leo’s mental wellbeing if Mike did reject him. 

Then the realization hit Mikey. It was his rejecting Leo’s help that set him off in the kitchen. He hadn’t reacted that way before because he kept himself from making any emotional connections do to his fear of Splinter making him leave again. He was keeping himself apart from the family. 

Since he was making the connection, his greatest fear was losing it, causing him to lash out. He was like a child again, learning that when he’s told ‘no’ that it didn’t mean that he was unloved or unwanted. Only, he was much stronger than a child. 

Doubt crept into Mikey’s mind again. Was this an emotional rebound need or did he truly want Mikey? Whatever it was, Mikey was determined to help Leo through it. 

“I told you that it’s not something I’m gonna leave you over. I want you to stay and I know that you’ll get better,” Mikey insisted. 

Leo rolled over to his side and looked at Mikey, “What if I don’t?”

“You will,” Mikey walked over to the bed and sat down. He grabbed the packet that Donny had given him earlier and showed it to Leo. “I’m gonna help you. I read some of it already. The first page is about the journey that Splinter sent you on

“You had it worse than any others who have ever gone on it because, unlike them, you couldn’t encounter anyone else. It was common for the wanderers to go into villages and meet other people on the road. It was hard for them to avoid. 

“The test was to see what they would become after a year of wandering. Some would become hermits, cutting themselves off from the rest of the world. Some continued to wander, falling in love with the freedom and lack of responsibility while others turned to a life of crime, losing the ability to have compassion for others. 

“The ones who returned home would often find it hard to readjust to life within the confines of a village. They had to learn to interact with people on a daily basis again and form bonds. Some failed and fled but the ones who succeeded became some of the greatest clan leaders. They learned to value what they had and the ones around them.

“You were already a great leader, Leo. This should be nothing for you.” Mikey looked up from the paper and over at Leo. “Splinter kinda went through it too, if you think about it.”

“How so?” Leo sat up and dangled his legs over the edge of the bed. “He had us.”

“Yeah, but we were kids,” Mikey pointed out. “That must have been mind numbingly boring. You can’t have intellectual conversations with children. And if you think back, he had a temper when we were little and we had to beg him to give us attention. He would lose his cool over the little things and spend hours alone meditating. We were a burden to him and he even left us for a while. In time he grew to love us and he spent time sitting with us and holding us.”

“I remember,” Leo nodded. 

“Splinter could do it, I know you can. I’m gonna help you.”

“There have been times that I wanted to leave,” Leo admitted. “As much as I hated being alone, being around others was hard. You’ve made it easier. You were the most difficult to be around at first but now I wanna spend time with you.”

“Good,” Mikey managed a soft smile. “I can work with that.”

Leo tilted his head to the side and asked, “What did Raph say to you when he hugged you?”

“That I didn’t have to be afraid of you because I am fully capable of kicking your ass.”

Leo laughed, a sound that brought a genuine smile to Mikey’s face. “I guess you can,” Leo managed to say between chuckles. 

“So keep that in mind,” Mikey teased while pretending to be serious. “You lose your temper with me again and I will lay you out.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Leo nodded, maintaining his good humor. 

Mikey stood, “I really need a shower. Then I guess I’ll go down to Don’s lab to get my shell tagged.”

“I’ll go with you,” Leo offered. “I did say that I would hold your hand.”

“Yeah, you did,” Mikey reached his hand out to help Leo up. “And I would love to have you join me in the shower.”

“How about the sauna,” Leo countered. “There’s more room and I need to clean my shell.”

“Okay,” Mikey forced himself to agree. He hated removing his shell for cleaning and preferred to just let the water run down his back, under his shell. “I just hope we don’t run into anyone along the way,” Mikey attempted to get Leo to change his mind. “I mean, we reek of each other right now.”

“Raph already knows,” Leo pointed out as he headed towards the door. “That means everyone else knows by now too.”

“True,” Mikey nodded as he followed Leo. 

They passed the lab on the way to the sauna and the sounds of gentle churrs and moans could be heard through the door. “I guess Donny’s not ready for you yet,” Leo quipped, making Mikey have to cover his mouth to keep from laughing out loud. 

When they entered the sauna, Mikey noticed that Leo locked the door and Mikey’s stomach turned to knots. He wasn’t sure how far he was willing to go. He knew that he wanted to be sure their relationship would work before they had sex. 

“I guess I’m gonna test Donny’s tag to washing,” Leo said, turning on the water jets in the small tub used for washing their shells. “You can put yours in with mine. Even if the tag falls out, mine has the hole in it.”

Leo waved Mikey over and the younger turtle fought past his apprehensions and managed to put one foot in front of the other. When he reached Leo, Mikey turned so that Leo could grab hold of his shell and remove it. 

Leo set both their shells to clean in the gentle jets of water then turned to wash himself before entering the hot tub. 

They followed the Japanese traditions of bathing and cleaned themselves before entering the hot tub. The water in the hot tub was filtered but no one wanted to soak in someone else’s filth. 

There was a spot with a drain in the floor with two plastic stools and buckets. A water spigot provided warm water for washing and there was a variety of soaps to choose from. Due to the fact that Mikey didn’t like to remove his shell, it wasn’t a place that he frequented. Where Donny preferred to do all of his bathing in the sauna, Mikey preferred the shower. 

He watched Leo suds up his arms and legs and admired how the moisture highlighted his muscles. Mikey figured that if he was going to be in there, he might as well make the best of it. “Let me wash your back,” he offered, sitting on the other stool. 

With a nod, Leo handed Mikey the wash rag and turned his back to him. When Mikey was done with Leo they both turned so Leo could wash Mikey’s back. He could feel his plates shift every time Leo brought the rag close. It was just so unsettling for Mikey. 

“It’s not gonna hurt, Mikey,” Leo soothed as he gently ran the cloth along Mikey’s spine. 

“I’m just not used to having my back touched,” Mikey explained. “It feels weird.”

“Maybe in time you’ll learn to enjoy it,” Leo said then leaned forward to plant a kiss next to the top plate. 

A full body shiver overtook Mikey and he whispered, “Maybe.”

Leo lifted a bucket of warm water and dumped it over Mikey to rinse the suds then the two entered the hot tub. The warm water felt good. Mikey had forgotten how nice a properly cleaned back felt. 

Leo lifted an arm to drape it over Mikey’s shoulder and pulled him close. Tilting his head, Mikey reached up to capture Leo’s lips. They filled their time with soft kisses and gentle touches. 

Mikey eventually moved on to Leo’s lap. Leo’s hands moved down Mikey’s back as they continued to kiss and the tender skin seemed tingle with excitement. If anyone was going to have their hands all over the parts of his body Mikey didn’t want exposed, he was glad it was Leo. 

He could still see the brother he fell in love with behind the confusion and anger. And he was going to do all that he could to bring him back to the surface.


	19. Chapter 19

Mikey headed to the dojo for some extra training with his kusarigama in hand. He needed the release that training provided and he was starting to understand the joy Raph found in it. He wanted to hit something. 

The next Battle Nexus Tournament was less than two years away and he was determined to have the kusarigama mastered in time. Due to Leo being in South America during the last tournament Splinter didn’t let them compete, robbing Mikey of the chance of winning two times in a row. Mikey wanted to make a huge comeback when they went back to prove that he was still the best. 

Leo trotted up and met him at the door. “You want someone to train with?”

Without a second thought, Mikey shook his head. “I’m not ready. I don’t trust myself enough with it yet.” No matter how much he wanted to spend time with Leo, he didn’t want to run the risk. “Thank you thought.

“I’ll be fine,” Leo insisted. “I’ll stay out of the way and… guide you from the sideline. I’m sure I can help you.”

Mikey put his weapon on the ground then turned to face Leo. He tried to come off as non-challenging as possible but he also wanted it to be clear that he wasn’t going to change his mind. “I’m not ready for someone to be in the dojo with me yet, Leo. I appreciate the offer but I can manage on my own for now.”

Leo’s eyes darkened and Mikey prepared himself. He had finished reading the packet Donny had made him and had even gone over it with his genius brother to make sure he understood it all. Emotional outbursts are common and could be triggered by anything.

“You don’t think I’m good enough to keep myself safe while you fling that thing around?”

“I don’t wanna risk it,” Mikey answered, keeping his tone calm. “When I’m ready for an opponent, I promise, you will be the one I come to.”

When Leo didn’t say anything more Mikey turned to pick up his kusarigama but Leo grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him back around. “Don’t turn your back on me,” Leo hissed. “We’re not done. I offered you help, you should accept it. I’m your leader, damn it. I don’t want to be your opponent. I want to help you improve your technique.”

“Leo, please,” even though Mikey’s heart was racing, he managed to keep calm. He saw Raph out of the corner of his eye, ready to run in to help in a heartbeat.

Leo moved to grab Mikey again but he was able to move out of the way, which only angered Leo further. Leo attacked, taking a hard swing at Mikey. Before Raph could react, Mikey dodged the blow, grabbed Leo’s wrist and wrestled him, plastron down, to the floor. 

“Calm down, Leo,” Mikey pleaded. “There is no reason to get so angry. I know you don’t wanna hurt me.”

“Get off me,” Leo demanded, doing his best to try to throw Mikey off. 

“I will,” Mikey promised. “As soon as you calm down.”

Raph didn’t leave but he did keep back, giving Mikey the chance to handle it in his own way. Mikey said a silent thank you to whatever force it was that kept Raph from losing his control and interfering. Maybe his time with Donny had mellowed him out. 

They stayed where they were for a while, waiting for Leo to calm. It didn’t take long for Leo’s breathing to settle and for his muscles to ease. “You can let me up now.”

Mikey stayed alert as he eased up, just in case Leo was lying, and Leo took his time getting to his feet. He kept his eyes down, only glancing at Mikey for a second. “I’m going to my room.”

“Okay,” Mikey nodded. “I’m gonna practice. I’ll come up when I’m done.”

Without a word, Leo nodded and made his way upstairs. He passed Raph on his way and cringed, unable to look up at him. Leo’s pride was hurt. He hated that there was a witness to his emotional outburst. 

Raph walked up to Mikey as he collected his weapon from the floor. “One day the good days will outnumber the bad ones,” Raph comforted. “He beat this problem before and he can do it again.”

“I know,” Mikey forced a smile. “Can you do me a favor and tell Splinter that Leo had another outburst?”

“Yeah,” Raph nodded and left to find their father. 

It was the first steps in the journey. It would be foolish of Mikey to expect a lot in such a short period of time. With a heavy heart, Mikey went into the dojo to practice. “It will get better,” he told himself. Maybe one day he will start to believe it. 

**

Mikey didn’t even bother showering after practice and headed straight for Leo’s room. He opened the door to find Leo on the floor meditating. Candles were lit all around him and incense was burning, filling the room with an earthy musk. 

After gently closing the door, Mikey crept around and sat on the floor next to Leo. They remained quiet for several minutes, neither wanting to break the calm. 

Leo’s eyes opened but he didn’t look over at Mikey. “I’m doing to you what I said Raph would do to Donny. I’m abusive and cruel and I don’t know why. I can’t explain why I lash out like that. One minute I’m fine and the next I’m angry.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Mikey said, placing his hand on Leo’s thigh. “You did it before.”

Leo’s hand trembled as he brought it up to cover his face. “Splinter sent me to train with the Ancient One last time.”

“I understand,” Mikey kept his voice soft as he reached over to run his fingers over the vanishing scar on Leo’s carapace. It was hard to see but it was still there, he just had to know where to look. “Splinter is not sending you away again.”

“Yes he will,” Leo pulled away from Mikey’s touch and stood. “He couldn’t handle me before so he sent me away. I didn’t want to go but he insisted. Then after everything else he sent me away again. I’m never going to be good enough. It’s like he doesn’t want me.”

“You have to let go of that fear and doubt if you’re going to get better.”

Leo turned and glared down at Mikey, “You’re one to talk. You don’t believe me when I say I’m with you because I want to be. You think I’m with you out of guilt.”

Mikey looked at the ground, “You’re right.” He didn’t know what else to say. He didn’t want to lie to Leo, it would only upset him more. He bit back the feeling of hopelessness that threatened to overcome him. 

“I don’t want to fight with you, Mikey,” Leo said, dropping to his knees. He thumbed away the tears Mikey hadn’t even realized he had shed. 

“I know,” Mikey sighed and then it occurred to him. “Maybe I’m not the one you need to fight with. You told me before that the Ancient One made you face your demons to help you get better. You need to face your demon and right now that’s our father.”

**

Splinter was pulled out of his meditation by the the soft yet heated argument that was going on outside his door. It was loud enough to disturb him but not for him to make out what was being said. He was about to stand to investigate and request that they move to another part of the lair when the door opened and Michelangelo pushed Leonardo inside. 

Leonardo turned to argue but Michelangelo slammed the door shut. “He thinks that you think that he’s not good enough,” Michelangelo shouted through the door. “He believes that you’ll send him away again and that you don’t want him.”

“Mikey!” Leonardo shouted. 

“Is this true, Leonardo?” Splinter watched his son, waiting for him to turn around and face him. When Leonardo remained facing the door without responding, Splinter took another approach. He switched from the role of father to strict master. “Come. Kneel.”

Leonardo tensed but, ever the obedient student, turned away from the door to kneel in front of Splinter. His eyes stayed fixed on the floor as he struggled keep his composure. 

Splinter could see that there was an inner turmoil within Leonardo. Switching back to the mode of father, Splinter kept his voice soft. “Why do you believe that I do not think you are good enough?”

“You keep pushing me to do more,” Leonardo answered. “And you sent me away. Twice!”

Splinter sighed and considered his words carefully. “I sent you to the Ancient One because there was no more that I could teach you. It was not that you were not good enough, Leonardo. It was because you had surpassed me.

“I believed you to be ready and I have wanted to make you the head of our little clan for some time now. I tried but you said that you weren’t ready. Remember?”

Leonardo’s eyes darted back and forth as he thought and then he nodded. “Two weeks later you sent me to South America.”

“I did not want you to go,” Splinter said, his heart heavy with sorrow. “You wanted to be better so I sent you on that journey, hoping that when you came home that you would finally be satisfied, knowing that you managed to do what all the great masters had done. I have always been proud of you, my son, and there was never a time where I thought that you were not good enough.”

Tears filled Leonardo’s eyes and he struggled to maintain control. Splinter moved forward and pulled his son into a warm embrace. “You are not a failure.”

Leonardo returned the embrace and years of heart ache came spilling out. Splinter sat, unjudging as his son unburdened his soul. Things that had been held inside for years and confessions of things that had happened in the jungle, nothing was held back. 

When Leonardo was done he moved his head down to Splinters lap and they continued to sit together in silence. He considered his son in that moment, reflecting on their life. Leonardo and Raphael were more alike than they were willing to admit. They both strove to be better, driven to keep their family safe and blaming themselves when things went wrong. 

After a while, Leonardo sat up and looked his father in the eye. “Do you really think that I’m ready?”

“Yes,” Splinter answered. There was never any doubt over Leonardo’s ability to be the leader of the family. “I would like to step down now. I no longer want to be your master. I would much rather, simply be your father.”

“I will do my best,” Leonardo said, bowing his head. 

Splinter waited for Leonardo to sit back up before replying. “That is all that I have ever asked of you.”

**

The day Splinter announced that he was stepping down as their master was bitter sweet and adjusting to Leo’s way of doing things took some time. It gave Leo something to focus on and gave him some added security. 

In time his temper lessened but he still had his triggers. Fortunately, those around him were skilled enough to handle his outbursts. 

Since they were already sleeping together every night, Leo asked Mikey to move in to his room. He got used to having Mikey there and only kicked him out of bed when Mikey refused to get up. 

They took their time building their relationship and getting to know each other again. Even when they made love for the first time, they took it slow and savored every moment they were together. The best part was when Leo told Mikey that he loved him and he believed it.


End file.
